Noob

Dedicated to Avenged7Fold for his service to America...

Noob

Training Installation Freemont, Proving Ground Alatza, Terran Dominion

Daleth IV, Daleth System

12.13.2451 S.C.D.T.

“Hey noob, get over here! Yeah, I’m talking to you! Get your damn noob ass here ASAP! Are you deaf or something? Finally! It took you long enough. Well, my name is Sergeant Roland Boxer. I’m one of the 133t anti-armor infantrymen on the godforsaken planet. I dunno why they pulled me off of duty to train your noob ass. I really don’t, because this is just going to prolong your life by a single damn second.”

“This is your D-14 Impaler gauss rifle, a badass gun. I swear, don’t lose it. Okay. Since your noob ass couldn’t even read the Standard Operations & Procedures Manual, there’s a hundred n’ twenty rounds in a clip of the gauss rifle. Rounds are hypersonically propelled by synchronous overlapping magnetic fields powered by miniature supermagnets. What?! You don’t even know what that means? Didn’t you take physics class? You dropped out of college? Damn stupid noob. That’s how they breed ‘em today. No minds inside those bodies. Damn. Okay. You’ll probably want to hold something like five or six clips for the gauss rifle. I swear, don’t lose them. Your clips are there, in that gray box.”

“This is your CMC-300 Integrated Mobile Heavy Battle Armor, or just your IMHBA, or just the damn thing that’ll prolong your life by one second on the battlefield. Hell, lose this, die a pathetic death, so that I will get pulled off of this stupid instruction duty. And, yes, I do smoke. That’s a cigarette. Don’t like the smell? So kill your self about it. Your armor in N/B/C shielded - offering some protection against nuclear and biochemical warfare. Chemical agents, even corrosive ones, will not be able to breach the second layer of your suit. Biological agents can not be contracted through the pulmonary area because of the lack of a rebreather module installed on the IMHBA that circulates with the external atmosphere. There are integrated chemical dispensers. Yes, these are controlled injectors, and also have injector ports for external dispensing, like from one of ‘em hot medic babes. Yes, the needles are sharp. Don’t whine about them, little pussy. All of you noobs are fucking babies, I swear. You’ll normally use the dispensing system for stimulants - it’s a mixture of 4-(1-hydroxy-2-(methylamino)ethyl)benzene-1,2-diol along with other chemicals. You retard, that’s called epinephrine. You haven’t taken organic chemistry? Damn noob. Oh right, you dropped out of college. Shut up. Don’t want to here it. Anyway, this stim-pack will amplify the strength of your muscles temporarily: you’ll run faster and also, it will increase blood pressure by increasing heart volume, and will increase combat stress. If you actually survive your first combat mission, pop a chill pill to counter the stim-pack’s lasting effects.”

“This is a Jeep. It is green. This is a Vulture hover-cycle. This is an Arclite-class Siege Tank. This is a Goliath walker. That is a Wraith. That is a Valkyrie. That is a Scythe-class fleet bomber. We don’t have any parked battlecruisers, stupid noob. They’re in space, fighting the enemy on its home front. Fucking retard. We call you noobs ‘tards at camp. Yeah, if you’re particularly dumb, we call you tardy. You have arrested psychological development if you’re wondering if we park battlecruisers. First of all, it’s land a battlecruiser. Second of all, it’s the Behemoth-class battlecruiser, not just the battlecruiser, because there are two classifications of a battlecruiser, Behemoth and Leviathan. Now, just SHADDYAUP! Good.”

“This is your Standard Operations & Procedures Manual. This is your Armor Maintenance Manual. This is your Weapon Maintenance Manual. This is your Maintenance Kit. I spent an hour fixing up that little package for you. Stupid noob. I hate noobs. All they do is run around and get themselves shot, stabbed, eviscerated, or disintegrated. Scared little noob? Huh? Yeah, you should be.”

“You’ve been assigned to the 336th Combat Battalion. That, in orbit, is the frigate Whelm. Do didn’t even realize when I left out frigates and corvettes when I mentioned all of our vehicles? Stupid noob. Okay. That’s your new home for the next couple of weeks, until when you get killed and pathetically die. Then, if they even bother to haul your noob ass onto the ship, it’ll become your expensive metal casket.”

“This is your Organizational Manual. No, I’m not going to read it to you, noob. Find out who your fireteam leader, squad leader, platoon leader, company leader, regiment leader, battalion leader, and division leader are. Okay tardy boy? That’s what I thought.”

“Oh, right. Now, that’s Umbra. She’s the finest piece of work I’ve ever seen. See that body? See those legs? Yeah...that’s what I’m talking about. She’s a Ghost-trooper. No, she’s da Ghost. I’d turn myself into a ghost just to know her. She’s going to be the one you whine to on the frigate, confess your fears. But watch your mouth around her. She snapped the neck of a noob who dared to ‘cuss around her. That noob was as green as you.”

“Good luck. Don’t die, noob.”