Faith in Burns

A script i wrote for The Simpsons

THE SIMPSONS Faith In Burns Written by Andrew Wood SCENE 1. MR. BURN’S OFFICE

MR. BURNS IS TIDYING AWAY FOR THE NIGHT, HE PLACES ALL THE PAPERS IN A DRAWER AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE DOOR. THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE SUFFERS A HEART ATTACK, HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

MR. BURNS: Well, It had to happen sometime.

HIS SOUL COMES OUT OF HIS BODY AND A HOLE APPEARS IN THE FLOOR AND THE DEVIL COMES UP.

DEVIL: Mr. Burns, are you ready for eternal damnation.

MR. BURNS: I guess you saw me beat up that child back in ’52 eh?. (looks downtrodden as devil nods) So all the other kind and caring things don’t matter then?

DEVIL: Do really think I’m that stupid?

MR. BURNS: It was worth a shot.

THE DEVIL GRABS BURNS AND THEY FLY DOWN INTO HELL. IN HELL, THEY LAND AND ARE ON A LARGE RED CLIFF, LOOKING OUT ON VARIOUS SUFFERERS SCREAMING. HITLER COMES UP TO THE DEVIL CARRYING A FONDUE.

HITLER: Is this fondue right?

DEVIL: (tastes it) Bleargg! It’s disgusting! Make it again!

HITLER: (walking away) surely after forty years I would have got it right! Oh! This is torture!

MR. BURNS: Surely my old chum, you have found favour with me?

DEVIL: (Laughs hysterically) Oh… You’re serious… well, short answer… NO!

CHAINS SLITHER IN AND TIE THEMSELVES AROUND MR. BURNS AND DRAG HIM AWAY. HE SCREAMS. THE SCENE DISOLVES AND MR. BURNS AWAKES IN HIS BED SCRAMING

MR. BURNS: (Screaming) SMITHERS!!!

MR. SMITHERS RUNS IN, IN HIS PJ’S OBVIOUSLY WORRIED.

SMITHERS: Mr. Burns! I heard you screaming! What’s the… (burns interrupts him)

BURNS: Oh! I’m still here smithers! I’m not dead! (he grabs the bed curtains!) And the curtains, they’re here too! They weren’t torn down!

SMITHERS LOOKS A LITTLE WORRIED. SCENE CUT’S TO MR. BURNS OFFICE, HE IS SAT IN HIS CHAIR AND SMITHERS IS BY HIS SIDE.

BURNS: I saw Hell smithers, Hell! It really shocked me, there was fire, chains, and every Saturday they served three bean salad, what sort of sick place is that smithers?

SMITHERS: It was only a dream, sir.

BURNS: Nevertheless! To avoid this eternal turmoil, I have decided to find religion.

SMITHERS: Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhh?

BURNS: Yes. Now I will pick an employee picture out of the hat, and they will lead me to Religion!

MR. BURNS PUTS HIS HAND INSIDE THE HAT AND PICKS OUT A PICTURE OF HOMER SIMPSON.

BURNS: Smithers, who is this worthless dumplingman?

SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, sir, one of your drudges from sector 7G.

BURNS: Simpson, Eh? Well, he’d better be religious!

HOMER IS AT HIS WORK STATION PLAYING HOOPLA OVER A LITTLE FIGURINE OF JESUS. HE MISSES THREE, BUT GETS THE FOURTH.

HOMER: (ANNOYED GRUNT, ANNOYED GRUNT, ANNOYED GRUNT) WOOHOO! SCENE 2. FADE TO: SIMPSON HOUSE, KITCHEN.

MARGE IS SAT WITH HOMER AT THE TABLE.

MARGE: Has Mr. Burns gone completely insane? You’re hardly the correct person to ask for religious guidance!

HOMER: What? I go to church every Sunday

MARGE: And you spend the whole time sleeping or trying to hide the fact you smuggled in a hoagie.

HOMER: How did you know about that?

MARGE: You choked on it in front of the whole congregation!

HOMER: (annoyed grunt) BART AND LISA WALK IN.

LISA: What are you arguing about now?

MARGE: Mr. Burns has asked homer to help him find religion.

BART: (Laughing) what? That is rich! Homer could hardly find his way out of the house if we hadn’t have put the exit sign over the door!

HE POINTS TO A FLASHING GREEN EXIT SIGN ABOVE

THE FRONT DOOR.

LISA: Maybe dad can’t help Mr. Burns but he knows someone who can!

HOMER: Superman?

LISA: (rolls eyes) yes, dad, superman.

CUT TO: OUTSIDE FLANDER’S HOUSE.:

SCENE 3. HOMER AND MR BURNS WALK UP TO FLANDERS FRONT DOOR.

BURNS: Simpson, are you sure this is the right man?

HOMER: Mr. Burns, If anybody knows God and… and… that other guy… you know… beard… bore the sin of men… JESUS! It’s this guy.

THEY KNOCK ON FLANDERS DOOR AND NED ANSWERS

NED: Well Howdy-diddly there Homer, what can I dang diddly do for you old diddly ding dong pal?

BURNS: Diddly? Ding dong? My god! This man is some sort of human r2d2. Cut the sound effects bub! I need you to help me find religion.

HOMER: Mr. Burns, Ned, Ned, Mr. Burns.

NED: Come in, come in, I was just about to serve fizz-less lemonade.

MR. BURNS: (looks to the sky) God!

CUT TO: FLANDER’S REC. ROOM

FLANDERS: Well, siree-bob! I gotta whole pile of Bibles, King James, Old testament, new testament, the gospel according to Bob Dole. Oh, here’s a passage from the book of Britney!

HOMER: Flanders, this isn’t the time for pointless bible lessons, we’re trying to find religion!

BURNS: No, Wait, Maybe the fruitcake is right.

NED: If you want to find religion that bad, I suggest you go to church, or speak with Reverend Lovejoy.

BURNS: (confused) Chu-urch? Where is this place?

NED: Sweet diddly on high! Do you mean to tell me you have never been to Church?

BURNS: Wha-what is it? Some kind of theme park?

HOMER: No, It’s the place where God lives.

BURNS: God? What in blue blazes are you talking about?

CUT TO: CHURCH:

SCENE 4. CHURCH

NED HOMER AND MR BURNS ARE SAT IN PEWS WAITING, AND REVEREND LOVEJOY WALKS IN, OBVIOUSLY ANNOYED. NED WALKES OVER TO HIM.

LOVEJOY: (muttering) First off-day I have in eight months, was going to take Helen to the guilded truffle, but like always my day is interrupted by… (sees ned) NED! Hello, always a pleasure, what seems to be the problem.

NED: Mr. Burns has never been to church before.

LOVEJOY: (muttering) some people have all the luck! (to ned) What do you want me to do?

NED: I want him to be…

HOMER: (slightly worried) Not crucified?

NED: My stars no! Baptised.

HOMER: Oh! Right. Phew!

CUT TO: MR BURNS IS READY TO BE BAPTISED.

LOVEJOY: (he holds a cup of Holy water over Burns’s head) And with the power of Christ, I now baptise C. Montgomery Burns. (He tips a drop of holy water onto mr. burns and it knocks him over)

MR. BURNS: Never mind, that always happens.

NED: Well, Mr. Burns, how do you feel?

BURNS: I feel… I feel… Warm… I… I HAVE FOUND RELIGION!

CUT TO: KENT BROCKMAN PRESENTING EYE ON SPRINGFIELD:

KENT BROCKMAN: And the children were never seen again… and, this just in, the town has been showered, but this time, not by a passing muck spreader, no! This time by many selfless acts by C. Montgomery Burns! Through the help of Ned Flanders (shows a normal picture of Ned) Reverend Lovejoy (shows normal picture of Lovejoy) and Homer Simpson (Shows picture of Homer drunkenly punching a guy) Mr. Burns claims to have found faith in god.

MR BURNS: (being interviewed on T.V) Yes, If it weren’t for my first-rate chums help, I would be hell-bound, Quite literally! But now, God is my best friend, the kind that would help me with my stamp collecting. (picks up a penny-black.) Ah, penny black! I believe it’s the newest model!

SWITCH TO MARGE AND HOMER ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELLY.

MARGE: I’m so proud of you Homie! You turned an evil old man into a friendly gentlemen. HOMER: But I didn’t do anything to grandpa… Oh, you mean Burns. MARGE: By stopping Mr. Burns wicked ways, you have really done this town a favour, and as a special treat, I made you’re favourite ice cream… Double chocolate toffee banoffee irish coffee, with a hint of mint! (she hands homer a large ice cream with many flavours) HOMER: Ooo! E-Numbers (drools) So many e-numbers!

CUT TO MR. BURNS’ OFFICE, WHERE MR BURNS IS BALANCING A FINAL GIANT CHEQUE IN SMITHERS HANDS.

BURNS: And that’s a million dollars to the Springfield Orphanage, Excellent. Now hurry along, Pope Benedict the sixteenth is coming around for coffee at 2, and I don’t want you to miss out on kissing his feet!

SMITHERS: Don’t you think you’re trying a little too hard sir?

BURNS: Nonsense! As long as there is an ill child or an endangered animal, I shall give. You know I might consider becoming a vegetarian, and I have the strongest urge to say diddly after every sentence.

SMITHERS: I liked the old burns; this one seems a little... insane if you ask me. BURNS: Oh, But I am insane (shouts into mr. Smithers face) Insane with LOVE!!!

SMITHERS BACK SLOWLY TOWARD THE EXIT AS MR. BURNS GRINS QUITE HORRENDOUSLY AT HIM. THEN THE PHONE RINGS ON HIS DESK. MR. BURNS ANSWERS IT.

BURNS: Ahoy hoy?

PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Hello, Mr. Burns, This is Principal of Springfield elementary, First of all thankyou for the donation, and secondly, I need you’re help.

BURNS: Why I’d be happy to!

SKINNER: Well, There is a boy, a bad boy, Bart Simpson, I thought maybe you could teach him repentance, forgiveness and maybe steer him along the right path?

BURNS: Hmm, How hard could that be?

CUT TO BART, MILHOUSE AND NELSON SAT BEHIND A BUSH.

BART: Now, when I give the order, Groundskeeper Willie should be right behind us on his mower, so chuck you’re rocks… 3… 2… 1… NOW!!!

THEY CHUCK THE ROCKS

WILLIE: (offscreen) Arrgghh! Why is no-one else around when the flying rocks attack! No-one believes willie!

FADE TO: NEXT DAY, PRINCIPAL SKINNERS OFFICE.



SKINNER: Now Bart, Vandalism, graffiti and elderly muggings are up by two hundred percent in the last year. Bart I’m not saying it’s all you’re fault… (he sits on a whoopee cushion, he picks it up in anger to the mirth of Bart) Bart! This is all you’re fault! That is why I hired someone to steer you in the right direction, the last person we hired was a complete failure. BART: Yep, Good ol’ Gil will never be the same again.

GIL IS SAT IN A CORNER SHIVERING.

GIL: Oh! You almost had him Gil, but it’s too much, the kids can’t afford Harvard no more Gil, ya blew it this time!

SKINNER: That is precisely why I hired Mr. Burns.

ENTER BURNS

BART: Wah?

BURNS: Now Bart. God will forgive you’re past sins if you follow me to righteousness.

BART: Whatever.

CUT TO BART’S CLASS ROOM, BART AND MR. BURNS WALK IN, MR. BURNS TALKS WITH EDNA.

EDNA: Hi, I suppose you’re barts new supervisor.

BURNS: (Obliviously) Yes sir, I am, hey, it’s so good they still don’t let women be teachers! Egad! They’d run amok! Still, it’s a man’s job!

EDNA: (angry) I AM A WOMAN!

BURNS: Well, I suppose god doesn’t have to love everything!

BURNS LEAVES A LIVID KRABAPPLE, SHE TURNS TO WRITE ON THE BOARD, SHOWING HER BACKSIDE IN FULL VIEW OF BART WHO GETS OUT A SLINGSHOT, MR. BURNS GASPS.

BURNS Egad! Such a dangerous weapon for such a young boy!

BART: Watch me hit her bang on target!

BURNS: Bart, Put the weapon down please.

BART: Look, Burns if I don’t shoot now, krabapple will…

KRABAPPLE: Bart Simpson! Are you pointing that at ME?

BART: (annoyed grunt)

CUT TO OUTDOORS, WHERE BART IS SPRAY PAINTING A CRUDE DRAWING OF KRABAPPLE WITH STINK LINES, TO THE MIRTH OF MANY ONLOOKERS, JIMBO JONES IS CRYING

JIMBO: He has the can control of my great-grandma!

MR. BURNS ROUNDS THE CORNER AND GASPS AS HE SEES WHAT BART IS DOING. THE OTHER KIDS WALK OFF.

BURNS: Bart! How could you disobey you’re loving uncle Montgomery behind his back, I feel so violated, and… But… (he starts chuckling) that is actually kind of funny.

GOES INTO A MONTAGE, TO A FUNKY TUNE, THE FIRST CLIP SHOWS BART CHUCKING MORE ROCKS AT WILLIE, MR BURNS LAUGHS, THEN TO BART MOONING A PASSING OLD LADY WHO FAINTS, BURNS LAUGHS HARDER, AND FINALLY, TO BART PUSHING A HEVILY PADDED BURNS DOWN A STEEP HILL ON A SKATEBOARD, HIS FACE IS BLOWN IN THE WIND, BUT HE ENJOYS IT, AND FINALLY, THEY ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING ITCHY AND SCRATCHY.

ITCHY AND SCRATCHY: DYNAMITE DIOCESE

SCRATCHY IS READING TO A CONGREGATION OF CATS, ITCHY IS ATOP A LARGE CROSS DIRECTLY ABOVE SCRATCHY’S HEAD, HE JUMPS UP AND DOWN ON IT BUT IT DOESN’T MOVE, HE THINKS FOR A MINUTE, THEN GETS A HAMMER, HE HAMMERS IT AND IT FALLS ON SCRATCHY’S HEAD AND HE RUNS AROUND AND FALLS ON SOME OF THE OTHER CATS. THE SCENE MOVES TO MR BURNS AND BART IN HYSTERICS. HOMER COMES IN AND SCREAMS AS HE SEES MR BURNS.

HOMER: (behind the wall, wide eyed and stupid) Odd, It’s Saturday, should I have been in work, I don’t know, I’m confused, I’m off to moes!

HE LEAVES.

BART: So, Burnsie, I suppose you’ll be giving church the old Hoo Hah now?

BURNS: Not at all! I’ve got a sermon that will blow them away planned for tomorrow, I must away and prepare! So long! My spikey haired friend.

MARGE: So, I guess Mr. Burns is changed for good.

BART: Seems so, I can't believe I couldn’t revert him back!

MARGE: I suppose, deep within even the coldest soul, there is a warm heart.

CUT TO THE CHURCH EXTERIOR WHERE THE BULLITEN BOARD READS ‘’NEXT WEEK, FREE SENILITY PILLS,’’ AND UNDERNEATH IT READS (NO OLD PEOPLE PLEASE) THEN TO THE INTERIOR WHERE REV. LOVEJOY IS FINISHING READING A PASSAGE.

LOVEJOY: And Isaiah was in favour with the lord once again (he sheds a tear, then turns happy again) Now Montgomery Burns will read a passage he selected.

MR. BURNS COMES IN TO APPLAUSE

BURNS: (clears throat) I was taken forth by the lord and given a mission, a mission to help a young, helpless, sweet little boy, named Bart. Over the week I spent with him, he taught me many things, and we had a lot of fun together.

CONGREGATION CHEERS

BURNS: He taught me the joys of skateboarding

ABOUT HALF THE CONGREGATION CHEERS

BURNS: The comical side of throwing rocks at unsuspecting custodians and showing ones buttocks to the easily frightened age'ed!

TWO OR THREE PEOPLE CLAP APPREHENSIVELY AND THE REST SEEM EDGY

BURNS: But most importantly, That lovable little scamp taught me the most valuable lesson of all, good old fashioned violence and hatred, I’m born again! I am C. Montgomerry Burns! I will reak havoc on you poor pathetic people (mr. smithers is smiling) I will bring forth plagues and famine and you people will all bow to me C MONTGOMMERY BURNS!

BURNS GOES DOWN TO SMITHERS. BURNS: Let’s go home smithers, I could do with a sponge bath.

SMITHERS: With pleasure Sir!

THEY BOTH LEAVE. THERE ARE A FEW SECONDS OF SHOCKED SILENCE

LOVEJOY: (sarcastically) Well, THAT was constructive. And to make up for the blaspheming, I will now read the very passage mr. Burns was going to read… HOMER: (annoyed Grunt)

LOVEJOY: The loooooong version

HOMER: (annoyed grunt) END OF EPISODE: