Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Start to Scene 2

A spoof of the 1982 film "Poltergeist"

Scene One
Darkness.

Main Title.

Jimmy Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner" playing. Scenes of various American landmarks flash across the screen. The Lincoln Memorial is making a goofy face at the camera.

Cut to: Overweight, unshaven Steven Freeling sprawled out on the easy chair in front of the television, which is now playing static. The floor is littered with beer cans. The family dog is loudly and messily consuming the remains of a bratwurst. The dog runs upstairs into Dana Freeling's room, where it finds an entire chocolate cake underneath the pillow. Devouring it, it runs into Carol Ann Freeling and Robbie Freeling's room where it eats Robbie's secret stash of Snicker's bars.

Exit dog.

Carol Ann sits up suddenly, rubs her eyes and makes her way down the stairs. She gets down on her knees in front of the television.

Carol Ann: Hellooooooo? Hellooo?

Suddenly Roz from Monsters, Inc. appears on the screen.

Roz: HELLO!! HAW HAW HAW!!

Carol Ann: What??

Static appears again.

Carol Ann: SPEAK UP, YOU STUPID *******S!!!! I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING!!!!

Steven, Dana, Robbie and Mrs. Freeling awaken and come down the stairs. TV ghosts are questioning Carol Ann.

Carol Ann (responding to questions): Five....I dunno....I dunno....WHAT??? You pervert!!! How dare you ask me that! [Makes puzzled face] My dental records?

Scene 2
Camera pans over scene of Cuesta Verde from a hilltop. Several signs appear:

BEWARE: ANGRY SKELETAL SPIRITS

WELCOME TO CUESTA VERDE, HOME OF THE DESECRATED CEMETARIES

COME SWIM IN OUR SKELETON-INFESTED POOL! OPEN ALL NIGHT!

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY!

Cut to: Man riding his bike laden with beer through the neighborhood. A couple local kids are sitting on the curb, playing with their RC cars. RC cars cross paths in front of bicycle, causing man to brake rapidly and spill all his beer on the ground. Beer cans violently explode, soaking man and several neighbors with beer.

Beer Man: Oh shit! STUPID BASTARDS!

Man picks up exploded beer cans, which are somehow still spraying beer, and runs into Freelings' house where he plops down on the couch with a bunch of other football fanatics to watch the game.