Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Start to Scene 2

Spoofs the following films:


 * The Poltergeist series


 * Paranormal Activity


 * The Sixth Sense


 * Ghost


 * The Amytiville Horror

Contributions welcome

'''Synopsis: L. Ron Hubbard, angry that a neighborhood has been built over his burial ground, comes back as The Beast. To avenge himself and his followers, he sends several clumsy poltergeists to possess the Freelings' house. Unfortunately, the bumbling ghosts fail to 'accomplish Hubbard's evil goals, so he sucks Carol Ann into the refrigerator, possesses her, and in this way enters the house and causes terror and mayhem during the night. With the help of a murdered financial accountant and a child who can see the dead among the living, the Freeling's fight to save their daughter and send the founder of Scientology into the afterlife.'''

Scene One
Darkness.

Main Title.

Jimmy Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner" playing. Scenes of various American landmarks flash across the screen. The Lincoln Memorial's head has been replaced by that of Elmer Fudd.

Cut to: Overweight, unshaven Steven Freeling sprawled out on the easy chair in front of the television, which is now playing static. The floor is littered with beer cans. The family dog is loudly and messily consuming the remains of what appears to be a dead animal. The dog runs upstairs into Dana Freeling's room, where it finds an entire chocolate cake underneath the pillow. Devouring it, it runs into Carol Ann Freeling and Robbie Freeling's room where it eats Robbie's secret stash of Snicker's bars.

Exit dog.

Carol Ann sits up suddenly, rubs her eyes and makes her way down the stairs. She gets down on her knees in front of the television.

Carol Ann: Hellooooooo? Hellooo?

Suddenly Roz from Monsters, Inc. appears on the screen.

Roz: HELLO!! HAW HAW HAW!!

Carol Ann: What??

Static appears again.

Carol Ann: SPEAK UP, YOU STUPID *******S!!!! I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING!!!!

Steven, Dana, Robbie and Mrs. Freeling awaken and come down the stairs. TV ghosts are questioning Carol Ann.

Carol Ann (responding to questions): Five....I dunno....I dunno....WHAT??? You pervert!!! How dare you ask me that! [Makes puzzled face] My dental records?

Scene 2
Camera pans over scene of Cuesta Verde from a hilltop. Theme from "Ghostbusters" plays.

Tobe Hooper: HOLD IT! Wrong music! Come on, people! That movie hasn't even come out yet!

"Poltergeist" theme plays, with the "Lalalalalalala" provided by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Several signs appear on the hillside:

BEWARE: ANGRY SKELETAL SPIRITS

WELCOME TO CUESTA VERDE, HOME OF THE DESECRATED CEMETARIES

COME SWIM IN OUR SKELETON-INFESTED POOL! OPEN ALL NIGHT!

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY!

Suddenly Rambo appears, armed with an M-16 and several knives.

Rambo (firing his machine gun): YAAAAAAAAH!!! Ghosts, I'm comin' to GET YOU!!

Cut to: Man riding his bike laden with beer through the neighborhood. A couple local kids are sitting on the curb, playing with their RC cars. RC cars cross paths in front of bicycle, causing man to brake rapidly and spill all his beer on the ground. Beer cans violently explode, soaking man and several neighbors with beer.

Beer Man: Oh shit! STUPID BASTARDS!

Man picks up exploded beer cans, which are somehow still spraying beer, and runs into Freelings' house where he plops down on the couch with a bunch of other football fanatics to watch the game. Suddenly the channel changes to Mister Rogers. The football fans all start yelling and swearing. Steven Freeling sighs, gets up and goes to the sliding door to confront his next-door neighbor, Benny.