King Kong Spoof/1

Contributions are most welcome, particularly from those who are quite familiar with the film(s).

Darkness.

Fade to title.

Ominous music plays, then fade to a scene of Depression-era New York City.

Begin playing "I'm Stuck at the Bottom of the World."

We see various scenes of poor people standing in bread lines. Two dirty loafers in the street are fighting over something. A policeman breaks it up.

Policeman: What the heck is goin' on here?

Man #1: This guy stole my golden ticket!

Policeman: Golden ticket?

Man #1: Yeah! You know, the ones Willy Wonka's been sending out! I just got lucky enough to find one, and this dirty ******* has to come by and grab it!

Man #2: That was my ticket, and you know it!

Man #1: Oh no it wasn't! I found it! I bought the "Wonka's Barfmallow Disgust" bar! It's mine!

The two begin fighting again. Man #1 pokes Man #2 in the eyes, and Man #2 responds by grabbing Man#1's nose and hitting it and causing a "Beep Beep" sound. The policeman beats both of them on the head, then he takes the golden ticket.

Policeman: All right! Here's how we'll do this! Whichever of you can catch me first, gets the ticket!

He runs off. The two men look at each other, than take off after him.

Cut to a scene inside a theater. We see a comedy being acted out on the stage. Several dirty loafers have gathered to watch. Suddenly, one of the actors accidentally pokes the other in the eyes. The other one yells and jumps on him. The two begin fighting all over the stage. Chaos erupts; soon, furniture is being turned over and the scenery falls over on the actors. The curtain falls. The crowd is keeling over with laughter.

Cut to a scene behind stage. The actors are all cleaning up the mess, and a bruised director is scene exiting the theater. He is sneezing grossly. Ann Darrow follows him.

Ann: Are you all right?

Director: Oh yeah, just a little sinusitis. It's&mdash;it's&mdash;IT's&mdash;ACHOOOOO!!!

He sneezes all over Ann. She wipes the snot off of her face.

Ann: Thanks a lot.

Director: Sorry, I couldn't stop it. Well, I've gotta get home. I'll see ya later.

Ann: Hey, have you had anything to eat lately?

Director: Yeah, I just ate a big "King Kong" sundae over at the local ice cream parlor.

Ann: You've got to eat something other than ice cream. Why don't we go out to a good restaurant tonight?

Director: You're right. Let's try Hooters!

The two walk off.

Cut to a scene of Carl Denham sitting in a darkened room in front of a film screen, along with with his studio bosses. The screen is showing lion footage in Africa. A man walks past a tall, dark tree and a lion jumps out and throws him to the ground. It begins to rip him apart. Then the lion is skewered by natives and have its intestines devoured, then the natives proceed to cannibalize each other, until one of them has his head eaten by a velociraptor. Two of the men throw up, the screen goes blank and the lights come back on.

Boss #1: Mr. Denham, we're getting sick of these disgusting films.

Denham: What's wrong with them?!

Boss #1: It's too much like Friday the Thirteenth or Nightmare on Elm Street.

Denham: Never heard of either of them.

Boss #1: Neither have I. But that's not the point. They need more appeal! Maybe you could do some movies with apology to violence, apology to war, apology to drugs, apology to sex or...I dunno, apology to illegal car racing. Or black cop white cop action comedies or, like, romantic comedies. You know, the kind that will cause all the guys in the theater to sit forward and drool, with the topless girls and gratuitous pornography.

Carl Denham stares at him disgustedly, then vomits on the floor.

Denham: You sicko! You cheap lowlife! Why on earth would I put that crap into my films?! Films should prompt respect for the filmmaker like in the old days. Filmmaking shouldn't be used merely as a manner of getting exorbitant amounts of cash. It should be an art! I will not make movies for cheap entertainment, instead I make movies that make people think about the very essence of humanity! And will also get me a lot of money.

The bosses look at each other.

Boss #1: Well, we've gotta make a decision. Leave the room, please, Denham.

Denham leaves, Boss #2 bangs his first on the table

Boss #2: OOOOUUUCH! F***! That hurts!

Boss #1:What do we do with him?

Boss #2:Let's slit his throat and feed him to the dogs.

Boss #1:We can't do that.

Boss #2:'Course we can. We say he's a communist. The government will probably give us a medal.

Boss #1:No. I mean, he's the only filmmaker we know that accepts to work in exchange for peanuts.

Boss #2:Hmm...yes, you're right. But he keeps wanting to do stupid movies about social injustice, environmentalism and waffles. What do we do?

They think for a moment, with their hands on their chins. After a moment, Boss#1 grins

Boss #1: Haha! I know! I heard of this island in the Indian ocean...or was it Pacific? No matter. The Skill island, I think it's called. I heard that all girls there are totally hot and walk around naked. If we sent him there, even if he wanted to do a movie about, uh...clouds, he would surely put some great hot scenes in it!

Boss #2: Then it's decided. We'll send him to the skill island.

Cut to Denham and his assistant Preston, in a cheap hotel room, thinking.

Denham: So they want to send me to this Skull Island in the Indian Ocean? Sounds like a good place to make a movie about men's endless struggle against the restless forces of nature...or waffles. I gotta tell Rita we're leaving tonight.

Preston: Denham, Rita ain't doing it. She cut out.

Denham: What the ***** did she do that for?!! Didn't she know I've got a show to do?!

Preston: She decided she didn't want to go to this "Skull Island" place and took a job at McDonalds.

Denham's eyes widen briefly, then suddenly he snaps back.

Denham: Well, heck with that. Blast it! Now I've got to find another girl!

Preston: Where?

Denham: I don't know! What the heck do you think I am, Einstein? ...Or maybe Newton? ...Or maybe that Julian guy from sixth grade. Man, was that guy smart!

Preston: Why not try Hooter's?

Denham: Great idea.

Cut to scene of Ann Darrow approaching the theater. Several actors, including the director, are standing in front of it as two men proceed to paint "Vacant" on the front.

Ann: Hey! What the ***** are you guys doing!?

Painter #1: What's it look like we're doing? There's just not enough funds anymore, so it's gotta close.

Ann: But I haven't gotten my last paycheck!

Director: Sorry Ann, but you'll have to find work somewhere else. This place is just too crummy to live in anymore. Oh yeah, the ice cream parlor is closing down too. They've got one in Chicago, so I'm moving there.

Ann looks at him, annoyed.

Ann: You've got to eat something other than ice cream!

Director: Don't worry, I'll get a big slice of apple pie as soon as I get down there. I'm leavin' today, so you won't be seeing me again after this.

Ann starts bawling loudly and sobbing and wailing and blowing her nose on the director's coat. The director starts sneezing grossly again.

Director: Cut it out, Ann! You're giving me sinusitis again.

Ann: Sorry. Now what am I gonna do?

Director: Don't know, but I'd suggest you be a model, work at MacDonalds or, if you're really desperate, go work in Hollywood or something. Now I've got a train to catch, so g'bye!

Director walks off, leaving Ann standing there. Suddenly, another director walks past. Ann recognizes him and runs after him.

Ann: Mr. T! I just heard about your newest play. I...

Mr. T: Ann, I've told a thousand times to leave a message on my phone.

Ann: Why should I do that when I can talk to you in person?

Mr. T: Because I'm extremely busy, that's why. Besides, the last part is filled in. Oh, I pity da fool!

The two walk by a restaurant, and Ann looks in to see a plate of a disgusting-looking gray slop being dumped over some slimy noodles.

Mr T: I know times are tough, Ann. Why don't you use your looks? A girl like you doesn't have to starve, you know. (He hands her a piece of paper.) Here, take this over to the Hooters. I'm sure they'll have a good position as waitress for you.

Cut to scene of Carl Denham getting out of a taxi cab in the grungy section of town. He takes a walk along the sidewalk until he comes to the front of Hooters. He looks inside and sees a bunch of rather immodestly dressed waitresses inside. His eyes widen until they nearly pop out of his head, when he suddenly sees Ann's reflection in the window. Ann looks in the window, then vomits on the sidewalk. She drops her paper and walks away. Carl follows her. She stops in front of a small fruit bin, where she grabs a large pineapple.

Owner of fruit stand: Hey! What the ****** you think you're doin'?

Ann: I'm starving and I can't get food.

Owner: You got something to pay for that? Pineapples ain't cheap anymore.

Carl walks up and hands the man a dime.

Carl: Here's a dime, buddy. Now scram.

Owner: Scram yourself! It'd take twenty dimes to pay for this!

Carl pulls a big two-dollar bill out of his pocket.

Carl: Here's a two-dollar bill. They're extremely rare. Now scram!

Owner gawks at the two-dollar bill and starts walking. He doesn't look where he's going and runs right into a bin of rotten kumquats. They fall all over him and splatter him with nasty brown slime. Carl and Ann quickly make their getaway.

Cut to scene of Carl and Ann sitting in McDonalds. Ann is biting into a large "Kong-sized" burger and "Kong-sized fries".

Denham: So how you doing now?

Ann, her mouth filled: Weff, athide fwomf the Huffe Abounfs of caworief and ffat...

Denham: Swallow your food first.

Ann swallows, then continues.

Ann: As I was saying, aside from the huge amounts of calories and fat that I'm packing on, I'm doing fine!

Denham: Well, as I was saying, one of my actresses, Rita, she's really hot, by the way, quit on me. My bosses don't like my latest picture, so they want me to go to some place in the Indian Ocean&mdash;Skull Island or something&mdash;to get a good romance film. Or at least that's what they think... heh...Heheheh! Hahah! HAHAHAHAH! MWHAHAHAH! MWH...!

Ann: Excuse me for interrupting, Mr. Denham, but I just want you to know that I'm not in the habit of accepting charity...or taking things that aren't mine...or working at bad restaurants, for that matter.

Denham: So what DO you do?

Ann: I used to work at the little theater over at the other edge of town. Then it got closed, and now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Denham: Perfect! That's just what I'm looking for! I need a girl like you for my new picture! It'll be great. We'll have...

Ann: You want me in a romance film?

Denham: Romantic film? What roma...Oh yes! My romantic film. The one I want you to play in. So, I was saying, my romantic film is not about danger, suffering and death at all, still, it will have a teeny little bit of drama, so I need a good dramatic actress. And look at you! You're the saddest girl I've ever met! You'll make the whole audience weep.

Ann: Well that's where you're wrong, Mr. Denham. I'm supposed to make people laugh. Thanks for the meal, but I think I'll just apply at some Burger King. Good luck with your picture.

Ann gets up and walks away from the table. Suddenly, she steps in a puddle of vegetable oil and slips. She flies into a customer who is carrying a tray of food. The customer flips over and the tray goes all over them both. Ann ends up with fries, pickles and tomatoes in her hair while the customer is covered with ketchup and mustard. Denham keels over.

Denham: You were sure right about making people laugh! I think I'll try a romantic comedy.

Ann, to customer: Sorry! I'm so sorry. Here, I'll help you clean up.

Customer: Don't bother. I was fed up with this cheap suit anyway.

The customer wipes the mustard off his face and gets up. Ann proceeds to head toward the door (still with pickles, tomatoes and fries in her hair). Denham starts after her.

Denham: You sure you don't wanna be in it?

Ann: Absolutely. Look at my hair!

Denham: Oh well, I'm sure there are other girls at Hooters. I've gotta hurry, though. Jack Driscoll's writing up a script right now, and we need to get going before nightfall.

Ann: Jack Driscoll?

Denham: Yeah, he's my screenwriter. What about him?

Ann: Oh, nothing, it's just that I think he's really hot...I mean...good writer. Yes, that was what I meant. I always wanted to make a movie with Jack Driscoll.

Denham: Really? That's great! Then let's get over to the ship. Oh, taxi!

Denham runs out into the street in front of an approaching taxi. The taxi driver skids to a stop and crashes into the sidewalk. An large semitrailer hits the taxi and flips over. Several more cars crash into the semi. Soon, the entire road is a heap of confusion and chaos.

Denham: Come on, let's get out of here!

He grabs a two-seated bicycle that was leaning against a tree and leaves a twenty-dollar bill nailed to the tree.

Denham: There, that's not stealing now.

The two quickly ride off toward the harbor. When they reach the harbor, they suddenly hear sirens in the distance.

Denham: Oh no.

They stop at the gangplank of the SS Venture. Preston sees Denham and runs up to him.

Preston: You sure got back in a hurry. What's with the bike?

Denham: Long story. Come on! The cops are after us. We've gotta get outta here!

Denham walks up to Captain Englehorn, the captain of the ship.

Denham: Captain! We must set sail immediately! Raise the gangplank, kill ye landlubbers, swab the decks, YAARR!, up anchor, jibber de jib, walla walla, wuckamonga, wyoming and whatever the heck it is you do.

Englehorn: Sorry, we're awaiting the arrival of the SS Spooner.

Denham: Yarrr! We can't be waitin' here, ye redfaced crablicking...klunts!

Englehorn: Sir, if you don't mind me asking, why are speaking like that?

Denham: Are ye a landlubber or something of the manner? Yarrr! Me be speaking sailor language, matey.

Englehorn: Sir, sailors don't really speak like that.

Denham: No?

Englehorn: No.

Denham: Whatever! We've gotta leave now! Don't you see I have an actress!

Englehorn: My, what a hottie. So are you ready for the voyage?

Ann: Sure, as long as Mr. Driscoll is on board.

Preston: Oh, he's here all right. We've been having trouble convincing him to stay, however.

Preston helps Ann with her bags. Suddenly, he slips on the gangplank and the suitcase goes into the harbor.

Ann: Well, there goes my best swimsuits.

Preston: Shoot. My glasses are broken. Oh well, let's get your hair supplies on board. At least we managed to save those.

Cut to a scene of Carl Denham talking with Jack Driscoll in Driscoll's cabin.

Denham: Come on, Jack, this'll be the best picture yet! It'll have action, drama, humor, art, action...

Driscoll: You already said that.

Denham: It's 'cause it'll have double action! Oh, and giant monkeys.

Driscoll: Giant monkeys?

Denham: Yeah, with big, giant tails, swinging on big, giant trees, and maybe a giant robot or two.

Driscoll: Giant robots!?

Denham: To fight the giant monkey, you know how those things go.

Driscoll: How do you expect put a giant robot in the movie?

Denham: Do you think all those years at the Chicago SFX school were for naught?

Outside, through the window, sailors can be seen, preparing to make the boat go.

Driscoll: You never went to Chicago SFX School, Carl.

Denham: ...Yes, you're right...but I bet I can still do it.

Driscoll: Sorry Carl, there's a play I've got to be at at 8:00 tonight. I can't go.

Denham paces around, until he suddenly gets an idea.

Denham: Okay, what say we go for 200 grande?

Driscoll: Sounds great!

Denham gets out his checkbook and begins writing a check. He keeps glancing out the window to observe the crewmen untying the boat and beginning to cast off.

Denham: Let's see here. Oops, I accidentally wrote "200 grande". (He throws the check away.)

Driscoll: Come on Carl, I've gotta go! Hurry up!

Denham: Okay, okay, hold yer horses. Let's see. Oops, it's the twenty-second right?

Driscoll: You wrote the twenty-fifth!

Denham: Oops. (He crumples up the check and throws it away.)

Driscoll: Look, just leave it. I've gotta get going.

Denham looks out the window to see the ship starting to move away from the wharf.

Denham: Okey-dokey, Jack. See ya.

Driscoll tears out of the cabin, down the stairs and out onto the deck where he watches the wharf starting to move away.

Driscoll: Oh, Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Denham joins him on deck.

Denham: I keep telling ya, Jack, there's no money in theater!

Driscoll: No Carl, it's not about the money. I love theater.

Denham: No you don't. If you really loved it, you would've jumped.

Driscoll runs, trying to jump. Denham jumps on him and pins his arms down.

Denham: Cap'n Englehorn! Yarrr! Ye go n' get a rope or sum'thing to tie this landlubber right up.

Englehorn comes with handcuffs, a gag, a pink fluffy rope and black latex

Englehorn: Sir, did I not stress enough that sailors do not speak like that?

Denham: Yeh, this'll get ye landlubber tied right up. Yarr. Now ye go and keep 'im like that 'till we're in deep waters eh, matey?

Englehorn sighs, grabs Driscoll and put him over his shoulders and go away.

The police cars pull onto the wharf just as the ship is moving away.

Policeman: No, no! Dang it Denham! You're gonna pay for that traffic jam you caused!

Denham puts his hands up to his ears and wiggles his fingers in a taunt, then turns around and starts shaking his big rear. The policeman throws a dart, and the dart gets him in the butt.

Denham: YYEEEEOOWWWW! (He starts jumping up and down and cursing obscenely)

All the policemen on the wharf start guffawing loudly. Carl pulls the dart from his butt and walks inside indignantly.

Cut to a scene of first mate Ben Hayes showing Ann to her room.

Hayes: This is your cabin, ma'am. I hope you enjoy your stay.

Ann: Who's that guy in there?

Hayes: JIMMY! Get the heck out of there!

A young man with bedraggled hair staggers out.

Hayes: Jimmy, what were you doing in there?

Jimmy: Well, I kinda accidentally stumbled upon a Bud Light twelve-pack, so I...

Hayes: Go on in, Miss Darrow. I'll conduct our little drunken friend out of here. He's got some explaining to do! (He hauls Jimmy away)