Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Scenes 3 to 4

Scene 4
The hall or vestibule just outside the living room or whichever room was the setting for the television scenes. Steven and Diane Freeling rush through and the camera follows them as they enter the television room. Steven and Diane Freeling stare disconsolately at the broken remains of the television set and the remote. Carol Ann’s voice is heard again from outside.

 Carol Ann  from somewhere outside Help me! Help me! I’m in the refrigerator!

The camera follows the parents again as they rush out of the television room and back into the hall or vestibule, then with the camera following them they rush into the kitchen. Desperately they open the refrigerator door, Carol Ann is nowhere to be seen and her voice is heard yet again.

 Carol Ann  from somewhere inside the fridge Help me! Help me! I’m in the freezer section!

The parents open the freezer section, there they see Carol Ann’s disembodied head inside a giant ice cube. Carol Ann speaks to them from the ice cube.

 Carol Ann (echoing)  It’s freezing here!

Diane: What's with that creepy voice?

Carol Ann: It happens when you get sucked into another dimension, you silly cow!

Diane and Steve look at each other. Dana is panicking in the background.

Dana Freeling: AAAAAAUGH! CAROL ANN'S HEAD IS IN THE FRIDGE!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

Diane: Calm down, sweet....

Dana: IT'S POSSESSED! SATAN'S COME FOR OUR SOULS!!! AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!

Diane: Steve, take care of her will you, honey?

Steve: No problem, dear!

Steve takes a frying pan from the stove and whacks Dana quickly on the back of the head. A goofy grin spreads across her face and she falls to the ground and stars and circles and screeching birds circle around her head.

Diane: Thanks! Now, what do you propose we do about our daughter?

Steve: Well, I suppose we should just wait for her to regain consciousness and then...

Diane: No, I mean the one in the fridge!

Steve Oh. I guess we should call for some help!

Diane Ghostbusters?

Steve Don't be silly! I was thinking more like the Ghost Hunters team.

Cut to: Ghost Hunters walking up to walk to the Freeling home.

Jason Did you guys hear that???

Brian I think that was the door creaking open! And there's someone behind it!

Grant Oh, I think it's our host! You guys can chill.

Steve Thank goodness you guys are here! We need to get our daughter out of the other dimension.

Ghost Hunters enter the house and immediately freeze.

Brian AAAAUGH! That noise! I heard a creepy noise! It was like 'bip'!

Jason OMIGOSH! What's that??? (pointing towards photograph of Farrah Fawcett on the living room wall) A GHOST!!! A GHOST! RUN!

The Ghost Hunters stumble and push and shove and step all over each other as they rush out of the house in panic.

Steve Maybe we should've tried asking a psychic medium...

Cut to: Steven sitting in the office of psychic Oda Mae Brown, who is being constantly bothered by annoying spirits. Behind her are her two Assistant Mediums, Marty and Ryan.

Oda Mae So how many of your family were involved in this incident, hon?

Steve I dunno...five...six...oh wait, no, it was just our daughter Carol Ann.

Oda Mae And would you welcome a thorough..oh, hold on. I've got a spirit contacting me. (Closes her eyes) Yes? Who are you and what do you want? I'm busy right now...who? No, I'm sorry, I've never...of course I'm not going to tell your husband you want your alimony! What the hell would you do with alimony? You're dead for Christ's sake! Look, why don't you just move your little ghostie ass into the Light like a good ghost should. Yes, I mean NOW! You'll get more than your alimony if you do. What? No! GOODBYE! (Opens eyes again) Sorry about that, Mr. Freeling. These things pester me ALL the time.

Steve How long has this been going on?

Oda Mae Ever since this murdered financial accountant came to me for help. Now every f***ing ghost in the US is coming to me for petty, ridiculous favors! I'm going insane!

Steve Well don't worry, Mrs Brown. Help us and you won't be bothered again!

Oda Mae Yeah, that's just what the accountant said. Oh well, at least I get money for this. Oop, hold on, here comes another one! (Closes eyes) NO! Go away! I'm busy! I'm with a client who's actually PAYING me for my trouble! (Opens eyes) Now Mr. Freeling, will you welcome a thorough investigation?

Steve Uh, sure, I mean yeah, because we need to get our daughter back!

Cut to: Freeling home. Diane is taking the mediums on a tour of the house.

Diane And this is our bedroom. As you can see, it's been newly refurbished and we even took the liberty of...

Oda Mae Mrs. Freeling, this is all very interesting but we're not here to tour your house, we're here to investigate your daughter's disappearance.

Diane Oh yes! I forgot all about that.

Diane takes them downstairs to the fridge and opens it up. A blast of wind flies out and various food items are floating around, making goofy noises at the onlookers. The Head Mediums gets squirted by the bottle of ketchup as it flies past her face. Ryan and Marty both get soaked with chocolate syrup.

Cut to: Mediums and Freelings sitting around the kitchen table, trying to drink coffee (which is difficult as the coffee urn keeps squirting coffee on them). The Head Medium is trying to explain to the Freelings exactly what they are experiencing.

Oda Mae Well frankly, I think what you've got here is a poltergeist. It bears all the classical marks: Objects moving by themselves, little kids talking to no one in particular, dogs fetching tennis balls thrown by an invisible entity, little kids talking to the TV set, food items spraying themselves on people, people getting sucked into other dimensions, etc etc etc. This is a lot different from hauntings, which are associated with a place rather than a single person and take place over a longer period of time. Poltergeists are associated with one person and they usually don't last too long.

A giant frying flies up from somewhere and hits Steve on the head, Steve falls to the ground, his legs rise up into the air, then fall again.

Oda Mae Uh huh. That’s Karma generated when Steve did something like that to Dana.

The giant frying flies up yet again and strikes Diane less hard that Steve was just struck.

Oda Mae Uh huh. That’s Karma generated when you encouraged Steve and didn’t mind that Steve hurt Dana.

 Diane (Rubs her head) So you're saying that all this could just end at any time?

Oda Mae Uh huh. I wish I could say the same for myself...

Steve wriggles groaning semi-consciously on the floor.

Scene 4 and 1/2
Carol Ann is sitting on a couch in the Other Realm with a spirit that resembles Tom Cruise (in a parody of a famous scene from The Matrix)'''. '''He is rather unsuccessfully attempting to convert her to Scientology so he can get all her family's money.

Tom Cruise No no no, you don't get it at all. Scientologists do NOT believe that everyone is infected with alien parasites and that an evil alien warlord named Xenu kidnapped over fifty million of his people and killed them with hydrogen bombs around volcanoes. Don't you understand?

Carol Ann Yes, I understand that you're a misguided moron who's screwed up in the head. And that you're lying. Not only do you believe that, but you want everyone's dough so you can buy yourself another diamond-studded swimming pool and a twenty-acre mansion. And that you are completely unable to pull your head out of your ass.

Tom Cruise Now please just listen. This is a science of the mind...

Carol Ann It's a science of bullshit. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get out of the fridge and back to my family, so we can show you how to pull your head out of your ass.

Tom Cruise Very well, but not until you deposit at least $60K into my account.

Carol Ann I'm not depositing one penny into your f***ing account, Mr Cruise! Now lemme outta here.

Tom Cruise And also you must go bite off Matt Stone's balls for daring to insult the Church of Scientology.

Scene 5
The family and mediums are sitting in the living room later that night. The mediums have a bunch of equipment set up (speakers, microphones, drums, electric guitars, karaoke machines, etc). Ryan and Marty are getting ready to jam to "Smoke on the Water" when Oda Mae comes into the room.

Oda Mae What the hell are you guys doin'??

Ryan Um...well, we were, er...trying to provoke the spirits! Yes, that's it! Right Marty?

Marty (nodding head in agreement) Yes! Exactly! We know they love this song so we thought it would entice them to show themselves to us!

Oda Mae Hmmm...not a bad plan! Wait...that accountant is contacting me. (closes eyes) What? You say they hate "Smoke on the Water?" If they play it the spirits will get so angry that they'll suck the house into the other realm? Alright, I'll tell them. (opens eyes) Sorry guys, but that's not going to work. Now put that junk away and get out the spirit-detecting gizmos. NOW!

Marty and Ryan sadly begin packing up the band equipment, take it out the door and come back in with a bunch of unrecognizable machines that seem to be composed of bells, Tesla coils and record amplifiers.

Diane What the hell is that stuff?

Oda Mae This is our professional EVP-Tracking Stereophonic Inter-Dimensional Para-Energy Amplifying Ecto-Translator 3000. It's for tracking, monitoring, manifesting and talking back and forth with spirit beings from the other dimension.

Diane I see....

Steve recovers consciousness, rubs his head.

Steve This is professional?

Oda Mae (Sigh) No actually not. This isn't a profession. There are no certificates or licenses to practice parapsychology. It's just something to do when we're bored.

Marty connects the last of the cords into the outlet and Ryan switches the machine on. It begins humming and whistling loudly.

Oda Mae Oh yes!! Those are EVPs! Someone's trying to contact us!

Suddenly Steve hears something, gets up from the floor and goes to answer the phone.

Steve Hello? What? Oh, sorry. It's this Ecto-Amplifier Paradimensional Stereofuck thingie that these psychics brought into the house. (Calls into living room) The neighbors are contacting us, they want to know what all the racket is over here.

Oda Mae Aha.

Machine suddenly stops whistling and humming.

Marty Well at least we know it works!

Steve comes back into room.

Oda Mae Well, I guess we should try contacting your daughter, huh?

Diane Oh yes, definitely! (Cups hands to mouth) Carol Ann! Carol Ann! This is your mom calling! Can you hear us?

Voice of Xenu (faintly audible through the EVP tracker) Your mom goes to college!

Diane You bastard! I'm trying to talk to my daughter and you go insulting my mom to my face! F*** YOU!!

Oda Mae Diane, stop that. You're going to make them angry and the last thing this house needs is a bunch of angry spirits.

Suddenly Carol Ann's voice is heard.

Carol Ann Mommy, is that you?

Diane YES! YES IT'S ME! Can you hear me?

Carol Ann Mommy, help me! I'm being held captive by Tom Cruise!

Diane Tom Cruise, you bastard! SHE'S JUST A BABY!

Tom Cruise HAHA! This is the perfect stage in her life to get her to think my way! OW Stoppit you little brat!

Suddenly another voice is heard.

Other voice Let go of her, Cruise! I won't have you corrupting yet another innocent mind!

Tom Cruise Patrick Swayze, you traitor! You abandoned the faith! You will pay!

Patrick Swayze Because Tom, unlike you I actually can unclench my sphincter muscle enough to pull my head out of my ass. Now let go or I'll have to buzz you.

Tom Cruise  (voice changes to Xenu's) BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NEVER!!! You shall all be mine!

Oda Mae Mr Freeling, where was Carol Ann playing when she disappeared?

Steve Uuuuuhhhhhh...

Oda Mae MR FREELING!!!!

Steve Oh yeah, I think she was playing by the refrigerator!

Oda Mae Then we'll go check there!

Steve They won't let you!

Oda Mae shows her brass knuckles.

Oda Mae We'll just see about that won't we!

Suddenly Marty comes in from having examined the kitchen. He is holding his bloodied side and yowling in pain.

Marty YOOOOOWWWWWW!!! OH S***!!!!!!

Oda Mae What the hell happened to you??

Marty I was over by the fridge and something disemboweled me! (Lifts up shirt to reveal emptied abdominal cavity)

Diane (shouting from living room) OHHH! Carol Ann! She just went through my soul! I felt her! But there was a cold, evil presence with her!

Oda Mae turns back and closes her eyes.

Oda Mae It's the spirit of the evil founder of Scientology, Mrs Freeling.

Diane What? I thought it was Tom Cruise!

Oda Mae It's not Tom Cruise! Come on! Tom Cruise is still alive. He may be stoned out of his mind, but he's still technically alive.

Diane So who was it then?

Oda Mae (Closing eyes tightly) I'm reaching for the name, but for some reason it has escaped me.

Robbie What do we do then?

Oda Mae I guess we should get some shuteye while I'm waiting for the name to come up.

Scene 6
The Freeling family is sleeping in the living room. Oda Mae is leaning back going through a list of names in her head.

Oda Mae (sleeptalking) Brian? Robert? Rupert? Hubert? Hubcap...Hub...it starts with Hub...Old Mother Hubbard? No...

Ryan is sitting by the equipment sketching a bikini-clad Angelina Jolie. Marty is ravenously stuffing his face with Cheez-Its.

Ryan How can you eat if you've been disemboweled?

Marty Uhhh...er...I dunno! Some weird spiritual gift, I suppose. (Looks up into box) Oh darn, I'm out of Cheez-Its! I'm going into the kitchen to get some more stuff to eat.

Ryan But aren't you afraid of the food? It might come to life and start crawling! Maybe even sing annoying Billy Idol songs!

Marty Haha, you're so full of it! Food can't come to life, everyone knows that!

Marty enters the kitchen and grabs a bunch of junk food out of the pantry. Then he opens the fridge and takes out a steak and a chicken leg. He begins inhaling the chicken leg while he places a frying pan on the stove, goes to the sink and then suddenly hears a disgusting, *SCHLORP SCHLORP* behind him. He turns and sees the steak crawling across the counter.

Marty OOH YUCK!!! EEEEEEWWWWW!!! That's gross!! YUCK!

Steak continues crawling until it reaches the edge of the counter, then suddenly the Chestburster from Alien jumps out of it and starts singing "Mony Mony."

Marty AAAAAUUUGH! NOOOOOO! It's HORRIBLE!

Suddenly his face contorts in pain and he spits out the chicken leg. A bunch of maggots go crawling away from it but Marty doesn't even notice them.

Marty I didn't know it had Blazin' buffalo sauce on it!! Man that BURNS!!

He rushes to the bathroom and starts filling his mouth with cold water. Suddenly he notices a sore on the side of his face. He puts his finger in it and the flesh comes off. The sore grows larger and soon he is pulling massive hunks of flesh off his face. It splashes gorily into the sink. He pulls the last bit off to reveal the face of Davy Jones.

Davy Jones Do you fear death? HAHAHAHHA

Suddenly there is a bolt of electricity and Marty's face is restored.

Marty Awww, man! That was so fun being Davy Jones!

Cut back to the family in the living room. Oda Mae is about to turn off the TV.

Diane Leave it the f*** on!

Oda Mae Watch your language bitch!

Diane Oh sorry. I mean, please leave it on!

Oda Mae leaves the TV on and goes to sit back down.

Robbie (sitting on Diane's lap) Miss Oda Mae, how come Tom Cruise can't pull his head out of his ass?

Oda Mae Well Robbie, some people get strange ideas in their head about the world. At first they are skeptical but then suddenly the ideas become intriguing and then irresistable. They think it's interesting and fun and free. Soon it's all they can think about and then their heads are up their asses and they find themselves unable to pull them out. It's quite sad really.

Robbie Oh I see. But why do dead people continue to walk the earth? Don't they know they're dead?

Oda Mae Some people believe when you die you go to a wonderful place called heaven. And some people believe there's a wonderful light that awaits the spirits of those dead people through which is heaven. But you see, some people believe that Heaven has noisy ice machines and that if they leave the earth and go through the Light they'll get the room right next to those ice machines. And that would be annoying. And they also believe Nehru jackets aren't allowed in heaven, so they don't want to go because they love their Nehru jackets too much. It's quite sad really. But then some people wanted to live longer and didn't want to die, so they get really angry and bitter and jealous of their friends and relatives who are still able to watch "Lost" but they aren't. And those feelings are bad. And they start throwing things around and smashing things and stubbing their toes and uttering long lists of swear words.

Robbie and Diane together Oooooh!

Oda Mae But then there are still OTHER people who just get lost on their way to the Light. They're walking towards it and suddenly they think "Hey, I think that Sylvester Stallone may have come out with another Rocky Balboa film! Ooh! Man, I wanna see it if he did! Rocky Balboa's the awesomest character ever invented! I mean, I know Stallone's over sixty and this crap is starting to get old, but I can't seem to get tired of it!"