Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring Spoof/4

Cut to scene of many Uruk-hai having white hands pressed onto their faces.

Uruk-hai soldier (to an orc): Can I have a peace symbol or something instead?

Orc: PEACE?! Yeccht!

Uruk-hai soldier: Okay, what about the Linkin Park logo?

Orc: Quit complainin’ and drag yer slimy maggot-infested carcass to the armoury!

Cut to scene of Saruman talking to an army of Uruk-hai.

Saruman: Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found! You do not know pain. You do not know fear. You will taste MAN FLESH!

The army roars.

Saruman: ...And if you behave, I’ll take you all to DAIRY QUEEN!

The army roars again. Saruman turns to Lurtz.

Saruman: One of the Halflings carries something of great value. Bring them to be alive – and unspoiled.

Lurtz: Yeah?

Saruman: Kill the others.

Lurtz: Yeah!

Cut to scene of the fellowship and several elves.

Celeborn: Never before have we clad strangers in the garb of our own people. May these cloaks help shield you from unfriendly eyes.

Sam: Your MOM has unfriendly eyes!

Celeborn: It wasn’t an insult...

Sam: Oh. Okay.

Cut to scene of Legolas loading a canoe with bags. Merry and Pippin are sitting in the canoe. Legolas picks a piece of bread out of a bag.

Legolas (taking a tiny bite out of the bread): Lembas – Elvish waybread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man.

Merry and Pippin look at Legolas and nod. Legolas walks away.

Merry: How many did you eat?

Pippin (burping): Four.

Merry: It’s great to be a hobbit!

Cut to scene of Aragorn and Celeborn walking through a treed area.

Celeborn: Every league you travel south, the danger will increase – like in video games. Mordor Orcs now hold the eastern shore of the Anduin. Nor will you find safety on the western bank. Strange creatures bearing the mark of the White Hand have been seen on our borders. Seldom do orcs journey in the open under the sun, yet these have done so.

Aragorn (grabbing Celeborn by the collar and shaking him): OHMYGOD! Whaddawedo?! WHAT DO WE DO??!!

Celeborn pushes Aragorn away and hands him a knife. Aragorn picks up the knife and looks closely at it with a psychotically insane look on his face.

Aragorn: Heeheehee.

Celeborn (in Elvish): You are being tracked.

(pause)

Celeborn: By river, you have the chance of outrunning the enemy to the Falls of Sauros.

Aragorn: Don’t you mean the Falls of Rauros?

Celeborn (with a gloomy look on his face): No. I mean the Falls of Sauros.

(long pause as they look at each other)

Celeborn: Oh – yeah, I do mean Falls of Rauros. Heh.

Cut to scene of the fellowship leaving Rivendell in canoes. Show Legolas.

Galadriel: My gift for you, Legolas, is a bow of the Galadhrim, worthy of the skill of our woodland kin.

Show Merry and Pippin looking at daggers.

Voice of Galadriel: These are the daggers of the Noldorin. They have already seen service in war. Do not fear, young Peregrin Took; you will find your courage.

Show Sam.

Galadriel: And for you, Samwise Gamgee, Elven rope made of hithlain.

Sam: Thank you, my lady.

Sam looks at Merry and Pippin.

Sam: Have you run out of those nice, shiny daggers?

Galadriel smiles and moves on.

Sam (under his breath): Sam, you steaming pile of rancid theropod crap, why do you have to say stuff like that...

Galadriel (looking at Gimli): And what gift would a dwarf ask of the elves?

Gimli: Nothing. Except to look upon the lady of the Galadhrim one last time, for she is more fair than all the jewels beneath the earth.

Galadriel smiles.

Gimli: Actually, there, uh... was uh... heh... uh um... a th... well, um... there was one thing.

Galadriel (as the scene fades to Aragorn and as she looks at Arwen’s jewel around Aragorn’s neck): I have nothing greater to give than the gift you already bear.

Galadriel (in Elvish): For her love, I fear the grace of Arwen Evenstar will diminish.

Aragorn (in Elvish): I would have her leave these shores, and be with her people. I would have her take the ship to Valinor.

Galadriel: That choice is yet before her. You have your own choice to make, Aragorn – to rise above the height of all your fathers since the days of Elendil, or to fall into darkness with all that is left of your kin.

Aragorn: Ungh. I think a need a hug.

Show Frodo.

Voice of Galadriel: Farewell, Frodo Baggins. I give you the light of Erendil, our most beloved star.

Frodo: Cool. I can use this as a night-light.

Galadriel: May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.

Cut to scene of the fellowship canoeing down a river.

Gimli: I have taken my worst wound at this parting, having looked my last upon that which is fairest. Henceforth, I will call nothing fair unless it be her gift to me.

Legolas: What was her gift?

Gimli: I asked her for a signed copy of “Stadium Arcadium.” She gave me the signed deluxe edition.

Cut to scene of the fellowship canoeing down more of the river. Show alternating scenes of the fellowship and the Uruk-hai army running through a forest.