Pirates of the Caribbean spoof/1

We open on a ship, the DAUNTLESS, sailing through foggy waters. A GIRL can be seen at the rail, looking out over the prow. She is singing an old pirate shanty.

GIRL
 * ''Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s another Disney film,
 * ''They pillage and plunder and rifle and loot,
 * ''Buy T-shits at the foy-er.
 * ''It’s pirates and swords and guns and ships,
 * ''Buy up me hearties, Hi Ho!


 * ''Hi Ho, Hi Ho, this one’s got Johnny Depp in,
 * ''He’s loved by your mommies and grans,
 * So drink up me hearties—

Suddenly, a HAND clutches her shoulder. She gasps and turns to find MR. MCNALLY squinting down at her.

MCNALLY
 * Quiet, Missy! Ye don’t want t’ be overdoin’ it with Disney references now, do ye? We’ve got a whole film to fill, so we ‘ave!

GIRL
 * Why are you talking like a pirate? Aren’t you supposed to be a sailor here? Surely you’d at least try to make it look like you’re not going to end up a pirate in the second act?

MCNALLY
 * Rats, this be the flashback bit! Er...stone the crows, squire! I was just ‘avin a giraffe, so I was, me old china, what what, don’t’cha know?

LIEUTENANT (approaching)
 * Mr. McNally! That will do for your poorly-attempted proper British accent. Just stick with the pirate speak.

MCNALLY
 * Right you are, guv’nor. I’ll be off up the apples and pears and...oh, er, I mean...yarr, matey.

LIEUTENANT
 * I do not care for such talk of pirates. Scallywags and ragamuffins, the lot of them.

GIRL
 * Well I think it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate. Especially one with excessive eyeliner.

LIEUTENANT
 * Think again, Miss Swann. I intend to see to it that any man who flies a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves…to be mashed into a pulp, then his eyes gouged out while his elbows are broken, then his kneecaps split, his body summarily burned away before having his limbs all hacked and mangled and his nostrils plucked and his bottom burned off and his pe—

GOVERNOR (approaching)
 * That’s...that’s quite enough of that. I’m concerned about the effect such talk will have upon my daughter, Lieutenant Jack Davenport.

DAVENPORT
 * My apologies, Governor Jonathan Pryce.

GIRL
 * Actually, I find it all fascinating. I think it would be certainly marvellous to meet a pirate, perhaps when we’re marooned on a desert island somewhere and we sing songs and drink lots of rum then lay down on the beach and...

PRYCE
 * Er...look, a conveniently distracting umbrella in the water!

CREW
 * Gasp!

GIRL
 * And look! There’s a boy in the water!

CREW
 * Lawks!

MCNALLY
 * Also, there’s a burning ship.

CREW
 * Meh.

PRYCE
 * But the boy is far more important. I want you to look after him. He'll be in your care, meaning I’ve inadvertently set up the relationship my daughter enters into that I risk her life to get her out of later in the series. I’m a very forward-thinking person. Hey, I wonder if these wigs come in "distinguished grey"?

Meanwhile, the GIRL has wandered off and is trying to rouse the BOY. Suddenly, he wakes with a start, clutching at the GIRL’s arm.

GIRL
 * Don’t be afraid. I’m a young Keira Knightley.

BOY
 * Hi. I grow up to be Orlando Bloom.

UR-KEIRA'
 * Jackpot! I’ll be watching you, Orlando. Er, watching over you, that is. He-he.

PROTO-ORLANDO slips back into unconsciousness. MINI-KEIRA spots a medallion on a chain around LIL-ORLANDO’s neck. She takes it.

UR-KEIRA
 * Yoink!

DAVENPORT (approaching)
 * Did he say anything?

UR-KEIRA
 * Nopes. And I certainly didn’t steal anything from him, so you can’t prove anything at all.

DAVENPORT
 * O-kay. Well, I and the entirety of the ship’s crew are going to distract ourselves by gawping at that umbrella, so if any large, impossible-to-miss pirate galleons happen to waltz right past us, obviously we won’t actually see them. Ta-ta.

UR-KEIRA
 * Right-o. I’ll just examine this medallion...I legally acquired...many years ago. [beat] Hey, look, a large pirate galleon is waltzing right past! Yikes!

CUT TO: The present day (i.e., a long time ago on seas far, far away...)

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY (now in full Stone Cold Fox mode) wakes up after a dream. She gets out of bed and takes her medallion from a drawer. She puts it on just as a knocking is heard outside. She quickly throws on a gown as GOVERNOR JONATHAN PRYCE enters the dark room.

PRYCE
 * Still a-bed at this hour?

He throws open the curtains, revealing a beautiful harbour scene.

PRYCE
 * Ha! That’s two fingers up at all you guys stuck in dreary old England or boring suburban America! We’re in the Caribbean, and to prove it, the entire series will be littered with gratuitous shots of beautiful tropical scenery that will make you drool all over yourselves like the common muck you are!

KEIRA
 * Um...dad? The film...?

PRYCE
 * Oh, yes. Er, quick, bring in the Character-Defining Metaphorical Device.

KEIRA
 * Looks like a corset to me.

PRYCE
 * Yeah, well we’re going to beat you over the head with its symbolism throughout the film until your ears bleed.

KEIRA
 * Ah, I see now that the corset functions to stifle my desire for unrestricted freedom by placing me in a situation in which I have trouble literally and figuratively breathing. More on that later.

BUTLER
 * But for now, you have a visitor, M’Lord.

CUT TO: Downstairs in Governor Jonathan Pryce’s mansion, where ORLANDO BLOOM (in full Front-Cover-of-Sugar-Magazine mode) waits with a box under his arm. He inspects a candelabra on the wall, and, when he accidentally yanks a candlestick from the wall, hilarity ensues!

PRYCE (approaching)
 * Ah, Mr. Bloom! Good to see you again.

ORLANDO
 * Good day, sir. I have your order.

He opens the box to reveal a well-crafted sword. PRYCE inspects it.

ORLANDO
 * The blade is hoistened adamantium. That’s gold hoipalloi laid into the vertical axis. The flange has nearly the full contrail of the blade’s coaxial magnitude.

PRYCE
 * I...see...

ORLANDO
 * It’s also got a little picture of a puppy-dog on the knobbly bit, just there.

PRYCE
 * Ah, bless. Commodore Davenport, as he’s about to become, is going to be very impressed with this. Do pass my compliments on to your master.

ORLANDO
 * Perhaps you didn’t catch that ridiculous spiel of 18th Century technobabble...?

PRYCE
 * Yes, I’m sure your master has taught you a great deal about...cleaning sheds and whatnot.

ORLANDO
 * No, you see, my expertise in this subject implies that it was I myself who crafted this sword, and I’m looking for some kind of gratification that my work is appreciated, in order to fuel my highly volatile ego.

PRYCE
 * Yes, I caught that, but my character is meant to at first brush you aside as a common dogsbody then gradually grow to resent you as his daughter’s suitor. Notice how enamoured I am with Jack Davenport and his lovely, soft face.

ORLANDO
 * Oh. Well, then, I shall pass on my compliments. Or whatever... [pause] Hot damn!

KEIRA is descending the stairs, now dressed in her metaphorical corset. She appears pleased to see ORLANDO.

KEIRA
 * Orlando! I’m pleased to see you, as evidenced by my faint smile!

ORLANDO
 * I am likewise pleased to see you, as evidenced by the way my eyes are scrabbling out of their sockets to bury themselves in your surprisingly prominent cleavage. However, I am wearing the male equivalent of the metaphorical corset, and so I’m going to treat the subject of many a wet dream with abject indifference.

KEIRA
 * Well, if that’s how you’re going to be...I thought you looked like a girl in Lord of the Rings!

KEIRA storms off into her carriage.

PRYCE I think it might be fitting at this point to interject with, "Orland-OWNED!" and leave. Toodle-pip, loser.

Governor JONATHAN PRYCE and KEIRA KNIGHTLEY ride off into PORT ROYAL. ORLANDO is left at the doorway.

ORLANDO
 * Toodle-pip...Domino.

A low blow, indeed. Still, wishy-washy teen angst takes a backseat as we CUT TO:

THE MOST AWESOME INTRODUCTION THIS SIDE OF DARTH VADER. A PIRATE is approaching PORT ROYAL atop the mast of his ship. Dreadlocked hair flapping about the place and a determined look on his face, CAPTAIN JOHNNY DEPP has arrived! His ship, revealed to be a simple fishing dory, sinks into the water as DEPP steps onto the harbour and swaggers off. The HARBOURMASTER yells after him.

HARBOURMASTER
 * Hey, hold up there you! It’s a shilling to tie your boat up at the port. And I shall need to know your name.

JOHNNY DEPP
 * What do you say to three shillings, and we forget the name? Although, you could just refer to me as The Saviour of All Mankind. Everyone else will by the time the credits roll.

The HARBOURMASTER’s companion (looking dubiously like some kind of slave-boy) raises an eyebrow.

HARBOURMASTER
 * Sorry, Mr. Depp. Didn’t recognise you under all that make-up.

JOHNNY
 * It’s all part of the character, mate.

HARBOURMASTER
 * Right you are.

DEPP swaggers off, stealing the HARBOURMASTER’s purse as he does and downing a bottle of rum, just because he can.

CUT TO: A tedious promotion ceremony over at FORT CHARLES, involving COMMODORE DAVENPORT dressed as a Mardi Gras float (in-joke ahoy!). He swings his sword about as KEIRA looks a bit ill, probably from that Domino jibe.

CUT BACK TO: The much more interesting CAPTAIN DEPP, who is being accosted by two INEPT MARINES, and is about to launch into a comedy routine!

INEPT MARINE #1
 * Halt! This area is off-limits to members of 60‘s rock and roll bands!

JOHNNY
 * I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t know. I’ll have to tell my dad. Easy mistake, don’t worry about it. If you’ll excuse me…

CAPTAIN DEPP moves off, but INEPT MARINES #1 and #2 follow, bayonets ready.

JOHNNY
 * Apparently there’s some sort of la-di-dah and killer diller to-do up at the fort, ay? Now, how could it be that two righteous narcs such as yourselves did not merit an invitation, ya jive?

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Somebody has to keep recycled 70’s slang from crowbarring its way into the script.

JOHNNY
 * It’s a fine goal to be sure, but it seems to me that it’d be far more proactive to guard that bloody great ship over there.

He points to the DAUNTLESS, flagship of the NAVY.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Oh, you’d have to be insane to try and steal the Dauntless. Now, the Interceptor, on the other hand, that’s a ship worth stealing. No ship can match it for speed.

He points to a smaller, sleeker ship behind them; the INTERCEPTOR.

JOHNNY
 * I’ve heard of one. It was name-dropped in the title.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * The Black Pearl? Heh, well, there’s no real ship as can match the Interceptor.

INEPT MARINE #1
 * The Black Pearl is a real ship.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * No, no, it isn’t.

INEPT MARINE #1
 * Yes it is.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * No, it isn’t.

INEPT MARINE #1
 * Yeah, it is.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * It isn’t.

INEPT MARINE #1
 * It is.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Isn’t!

INEPT MARINE #1
 * Is!

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Isn’t!

INEPT MARINE #1
 * Is!

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Is!

INEPT MARINE #1
 * Isn’t...aw, poot!

INEPT MARINE #2
 * So, as I’ve conclusively proven, there’s no real ship as can match the Inter—bloody hell, he’s buggered off!

INEPT MARINE #1
 * So he has! He’s scarpered!

The two INEPT MARINES look around wildly for CAPTAIN DEPP, spotting him at the wheel of the INTERCEPTOR. They race onboard, weapons raised.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Hey! Get away from there! You’re not supposed to be aboard there, mate!

JOHNNY
 * Sorry, it’s just, it’s such a lovely boat...ship. See, I really like ships. I’ve got a thing for them, which you’ll notice whenever I get the chance to lovingly stroke one when I think no one’s looking.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * What’s your purpose in Port Royal, Captain Fetish?

JOHNNY
 * What? Sorry, I was busy idly stroking the ship...

INEPT MARINE #2
 * What’s your purpose here?

INEPT MARINE #1
 * Yeah, and no lies!

JOHNNY
 * All right, then. I confess: it is my intention to create a drunken, rock-and-roll pirate character so off-the-wall that no executive in the land would feed a film starring said drunken rock-and-roll pirate any amount of money, though ultimately said film starring said drunken rock-and-roll pirate would go on to make massive sums of wonga at the box office, thus rendering all naysayers schtum and allowing the portrayer of the aforementioned drunken rock-and-roll pirate to finally get into the bloody A-list where he belongs. Savvy?

INEPT MARINE #1
 * I said no lies!

INEPT MARINE #2
 * I think he’s telling the truth.

INEPT MARINE #1
 * But such an off-the-wall character would never work in a mainstream Disney blockbuster!

JOHNNY
 * Ah, unless of course the main protagonists were so blandly uninteresting as to make the drunken rock-and-roll pirate the only interesting hero in the film.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Nah, who could possibly be so blandly uninteresting in a swashbuckling pirate action film such as that?

JOHNNY
 * Ah...

CUT TO:

ORLANDO BLOOM in his blacksmith’s shop, doing something uninteresting with a bland look on his face.

CUT TO:

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, watching the uninteresting promotion ceremony with bland disinterest. The newly-promoted COMMODORE DAVENPORT walks up to her.

DAVENPORT
 * Miss Knightley. May I have a moment?

They walk out onto the battlements. KEIRA is still struggling with her metaphorical corset. DAVENPORT looks nervous.

DAVENPORT
 * You, ah, look lovely, Keira. Um. I’m going to stand here for the next twelve and a half minutes perfecting my stumbling, stiff-upper-lipped British persona while looking nervously uncomfortable in this bloody great Christmas tree I’ve been forced to wear. So, you know, um, any time you want to, sort of, fall off the battlements, be my, er, guest.

KEIRA
 * Oh, right. Ta.

KEIRA falls off the battlements. DAVENPORT dashes to the edge and looks down in horror.

DAVENPORT
 * But I’m a roguish pirate in the next one!

It is TOO LATE: KEIRA has fallen in the water. DAVENPORT’s officers hurry up as the COMMODORE prepares to leap after her.

GILLETTE
 * Sir! The rocks! It’s a miracle she missed them!

DAVENPORT
 * Couldn’t I just aim for the spot where she fell and avoid the rocks completely?

GILLETTE
 * No, sir, I can’t take that risk!

DAVENPORT
 * Stop being so overly-protective of me!

GILLETTE
 * Can’t sir! You see, I’m the best a man can get.

*Rimshot* And a CUT TO A BETTER JOKE:

CAPTAIN JOHNNY is talking to INEPT MARINES #1 and #2 onboard the INTERCEPTOR.

JOHNNY
 * ...But I’m afraid I was very, very drunk.

KEIRA plummets past them and into the water. All stand.

JOHNNY
 * Will you be saving her, then?

INEPT MARINE #1
 * I’ve only just got my Bronze Ten Meters Swim. Not going for the Silver Rescuing Posh British Birds From the Sea until Friday.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * Forgot my water-wings.

JOHNNY
 * Pride of the King’s Navy you are. Do not lose these!

He hands his effects over to INEPT MARINE #1 and dives into the water. KEIRA, meanwhile, has sunk to the sea bed, where the medallion sends out a pulse through the ocean. JOHNNY summarily rescues her, though not before adhering to the rules of every Hollywood movie ever and divesting the heroine of an article of clothing. They arrive back on the harbour.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * She’s not breathing!

JOHNNY
 * Move!

He literally and figuratively cuts open KEIRA’s metaphorical and literal corset. That’s probably important.

INEPT MARINE #2
 * I never would have thought of that.

JOHNNY
 * Clearly your grasp of metaphor is as negligible as Keira’s outfit.

He stares at KEIRA’s chest.

JOHNNY
 * Shiny.

KEIRA
 * Oh, Mr. Scoundrel, I do hope you aren’t going to abuse my helpless and decidedly moist position!

JOHNNY
 * Sorry, love? I was looking at your medallion.

KEIRA
 * Oh.

Suddenly, DAVENPORT, PRYCE and NAVY OFFICERS race up to the harbour. Guns are aimed at CAPTAIN DEPP.

DAVENPORT
 * On your feet!

KEIRA
 * Commodore! Do you really intend to kill this smokin’ piece of...er, I mean, do you really intend to kill my rescuer?

DAVENPORT
 * [sighs] I suppose thanks are in order.

JOHNNY proffers his hand, but DAVENPORT grabs it and reveals a pirate brand on his forearm.

DAVENPORT
 * Mwah-ha-ha-hah! My dastardly British veneer paid off once again! Had a brush with Tom Hollander did we, pirate?

PRYCE
 * Er...we haven’t got to that film yet.

DAVENPORT
 * Oh. Er, well, let’s see...

He spots a tattoo on CAPTAIN DEPP’s arm; the silhouette of a man with scissors for hands.

DAVENPORT
 * Well, well. Johnny Depp, isn’t it?

JOHNNY
 * Captain Johnny Depp, if you please, sir.

DAVENPORT
 * Well, I don’t see hordes of screaming fan girls, Captain.

JOHNNY
 * I confused them with all this make-up.

DAVENPORT
 * Yes, is that really necessary?

JOHNNY
 * It’s part of the character.

DAVENPORT
 * Right...er, if you want to make your swashbuckling escape any time soon...

JOHNNY
 * Oh, right. Ta.

He makes his SWASHBUCKLING ESCAPE while the BRITS run through a series of pratfalls. Much ado with falling cannons and swinging ropes as JOHNNY zip-lines to safety.

DAVENPORT
 * After him, men! I might have a chance to zing out a witty one-liner since Johnny just forgot his.

JOHNNY (off-screen)
 * Oh, fiddlesticks!

He decides to pop into a smithy. He finds a DRUNK lying sleeping in a chair, but concerns himself with removing his chains. He does so, just as the door opens, and ORLANDO walks in, a box under one arm. He spots JOHNNY.

ORLANDO
 * It’s you! The one the fan girls are looking for!

JOHNNY peers down at ORLANDO’s package...gah, I mean, the package ORLANDO is holding under his arm...it is BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM on DVD.

JOHNNY
 * Research?

ORLANDO
 * Ammunition. She’s only going to bring up Wilde at some point, and I don’t need that.

JOHNNY
 * Ah, so you’ve found a girl, but are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet seeing as she thinks you’re a rent boy.

ORLANDO
 * Well? At least I wasn’t a eunuch.

JOHNNY
 * Meh. Get your weapon out, Orlando.

A pause.

ORLANDO
 * You mean my sword?

JOHNNY
 * ...Yes. Yes, that. I meant that.

ORLANDO gets his weap—sword out. Segue into: The Obligatory Pirate Duel Scene, which JOHNNY wins on account of being a REAL LIFE PIRATE. However, the DRUNK from earlier bashes him over the head with a bottle just as DAVENPORT and his men break the door down. DAVENPORT stands over JOHNNY with a triumphant grin.

DAVENPORT
 * Yeah, in your FACE American! No one beats the British, ever!

JOHNNY
 * [regaining consciousness for a moment]
 * That was your witty one-liner? This is a Hollywood film, mate.

DAVENPORT
 * ...Oh, poot!

His future as an easily-dispensable British character looming large, DAVENPORT orders his men to take JOHNNY away.