Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Scenes 7 to 8

Back to Scientoligeist Scenes 4 to 6

Scene 7
The family and mediums get up, brush themselves off and survey the damage.

Diane Deja vu

Steve What the heck was that thing??

Ryan  C'mon you guys! The camera caught it. Let's have a look!

They all gather around the TV monitors and watch as the Clown Spirit comes down the stairs on the recording. They are amazed and shocked to see a bunch of other spirits behind it. Old Mae gasps.

Steve  What is it?

Old Mae  That was no clown! It was...it was...

Diane  What?? What was it?

Old Mae  It was a spirit disguised as a clown!

Steve Har Har.

For some reason, all of the visible spirits are wearing hats. One of them has funny glasses on while another wears an old fashioned French hat, has a huge bandage on one ear and carries a painting done on canvas.

Ryan Oh great, looks like they've got a sense of humor.

Robbie Wow, where're they all coming from?

Old Mae Well I'd say they came from...hey cool! That one's a redneck!

She points at several ghosts who are wearing John Deere caps and carrying cans of beer and whose shirts are exposing their fat, hairy bellies.

Diane Hey! They all came from the back country! I think I can hear Hank Williams Jr playing too!

Ryan Wait! Look to the left! OMIGOSH! Look over to their left!

He points at a small bunch of non-redneck spirits. These spirits don’t necessarily wear hats but all look horribly emaciated and abused.

Old Mae Oh my...those are...victims of Scientology!

Victims of Scientology (All together in one voice)THERE ARE MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND OF US! We call on you to grieve For All Those Killed by Scientology!

Old Mae Wait...just one of them's saying something!

Robbie What? I can't hear them.

Old Mae  You're not psychic, Robbie. Only psychics can hear them. [closes eyes] It's Lisa McPherson!

Old Mae begins to repeat what the ghosts on the screen are saying.

Ghost of Lisa McPherson I was shut up quite alone in a dirty place with cockroaches crawling all over and people were hardly ever allowed to talk to me so I think I just got worse there and I didn't even get to eat and drink enough. Near the end I was weak and confused, my head was throbbing, I couldn’t breathe properly, my chest felt horrible and so did my stomach, I was vomiting what little I did eat, my muscles kept tightening when I didn’t want them to and that just made me even more confused. Right at the end I was so weak and so confused I couldn’t even stop any number of dirty cockroaches biting me.

The other ghosts, those with funny hats and those without express sympathy.

Second Scientology Victim I died in a similar way to you!

Lisa McPherson embraces the Second Scientology Victim compassionately.

Second Scientology Victim The Scientologists ordered me to stop contacting my family many years before they let me die so nobody ever found out what happened.

There are more expressions of sympathy while some of the Rednecks say they would like to get their guns and shoot the Scientologists who caused the deaths.

Redneck Ghost I'll blow them brains out with mah twelve gauge! She's a real beutty, I got a ten-pointer with it!

Redneck Ghost 2 Nah, that was the neighbor's donkey, 'member? You was just lookin' for an excuse to shoot somethin'.

Redneck Ghost Hell yeah, that was the best shootin' of mah life! That there ass kept us up with his hollerin' all night long!

Redneck Ghost 3 Heyhey, remember the time mah dog lost his leg durin' that hunting trip? We couldn't get no deer so I shot the dog instead! Hoohoo!

Redneck Ghost 2 Yupper! Them were some good times! But I can't ferget that one truck that caught me in the headlights...

Redneck Ghost That were me. It was you?? I thought it were a deer...geez, I must've been stoned out of mah mind. Like I am every night! Then yer ma came after me and got me with the buckshot. Didn't hurt much though...

Redneck Ghost 3 Heh, must've been cause it killed yer! And that was mah wife that came after yew.

Redneck Ghost I know. What's the diff'rence?

Lisa McPherson  You guys don't care do you?

Redneck Ghost 2 What was you talkin' about again? I think ah need 'nother Jack Daniels.

Lisa  You're dead, you moron. You can't drink that stuff now.

Redneck Ghost 2 Damn! I fergot. I ferget alotta things after the aliens done suck my mind out.

All say with one Voice  XENU! Footnotes

Ryan  Who's that artist? [points at an old man with a bandaged ear in the corner]

Old Mae  (Slightly awestruck) I believe that’s Vincent van Gogh!

Vincent van Gogh  Cutting off my ear wasn’t the most sensible thing I ever did! Did I cut my ear off or did someone else cut it off when I got into an insane fury? I can’t quite remember but I know I spent time in an insane asylum.

Vincent van Gogh scratches his head below the hat, he starts in pain as his scratching fingers, his hand or his arm gets too close to the bandaged ear. A spirit leaves the group of Scientology victims carrying a folder with on the front £ & $ signs and in writting, “Expensive Scientology Courses”.

Scientologist  You really should have done a Scientology Course! That’s guaranteed to cure insanity!

Lisa McPherson  (Suspiciously) Does Scientology cure insanity in actual fact? Scientology didn’t cure me.

Scientologist  If you weren’t cured that must be your fault! You can’t have done the courses properly and now you must pay out more money to do more courses.

A masked rider turns up on a white horse, if any group wanting to produce this play does not have the resources for horses the rider can be replaced by a man in appropriate outfit walking on and the man will not say, “Woa Sliver”. If resources permit a Native American accompanies the masked rider.

Masked Rider  Woa Silver.

Lisa McPherson  Whose that masked rider? (If there is no horse she asks) Who is that man in a mask? Old Mae  He’s The Lone Ranger!

Masked Rider  ''' We will not forgive, We will not forget! ''' We are anonymous. We are legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us!

Old Mae  the masked rider is a manifestation of Project Chanology. Those wishing to attack Scientology without reprisals may wish to join them, just avoid anything illegal.

The tape ends as all the spirits get sucked up into the ceiling

Old Mae opens her eyes.

Steve  Something doesn't smell right.

Oda Mae I recognize the spirit with Van Gogh. He has that same Evil Presence feeling that I got with Tom Cruise.

Ryan These spirits are all bewildered and confused...I’m not even sure they all really know that they're dead.

Oda Mae Some of them don't. Sometimes for a short while they know they've died, then they get confused and forget. They think they're still alive, and they're reliving their suffering over and over, and they're taking it out on the house. They kidnapped your little Carol Ann because they see her life force as their salvation.

Diane Oh no! Then how can we get her back?

Oda Mae I know a professional psychic, Tangina Barons. She's cleaned many houses of these type of ghosts. She'll know what to do. First we'll need to take these tapes back to the lab. I'll leave Ryan and...

Marty I'm not staying. I've had enough of this place! That chicken leg nearly burned my tongue off.

Oda Mae Very well, Marty will stay behind at the lab while Ryan and I return with help.

Cut

Robbie and the family dog are leaving in a taxi for Robbie's grandmother.

Diane Robbie? Call me, okay?

Robbie I'll send you a text.

He sticks his tongue out at the house as he leaves in mockery of the ghosts but the window rolls up and traps his tongue.

Robbie AAAAAUGH! Helth me!! My tongue ith thuck!

Scene 8
Steve's boss is visiting the house. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j4MqRHIv3o Begin at 6:25)

Boss The boys have been missing you at the office, Steve!

Steve Yeah I know, but we've all been real sick. REAL sick.

Boss You still got the flu?

Steve Swine flu. You know how long that stuff lasts.

Boss Whew, it's a good thing I got my vaccination!

Steve Yeah, sure! You're going to end up with a bunch of other health problems as a result.

Boss Come on, you right-wing nutcase. It's been proven to work.

Steve No, I'll show you some studies...

Boss ANYWAY I have no interest in debating at this time. Aren't you people getting any better?

Steve Nope, it's just been getting worse. It's probably not going to let up for a long time. On top of that we've been being attacked by....well we've all just been really sick, I'll leave it at that shall I?

Suddenly the drum set starts playing itself and moving towards Steve's boss. The lamp picks itself up and aims for the boss and so do the set of knives in the drawer. Robbie's Darth Vader poster comes to life, comes down the stairs and swings its lightsaber at his head. Steve quickly grabs him by the shoulders and hustles him toward the door.

Steve Anyway I'm sure you don't want to stick around this house full of sick people, so I'll see you later okay?

Boss (examining porch light which is suddenly glowing unnaturally brightly) Gee, you've got some electrical problems too! What's in there, thousand watt bulb?

Steve Oh no, that's our new Energy-Saver light bulb. It's the best way to cut down on greenhouse emissions and save money from those money-grubbing electrical companies.

Lightbulb gets brighter then suddenly explodes.

Boss Doesn't look like you've quite grasped the green idea yet, Steve.

Steve Well it's a work in progress.

Boss Steve, would you like to go for a drive? There's something I'd like to show you.

Cut

Steve and his boss are standing on a hill overlooking Cuesta Verde.

Boss Imagine Steve...this is a lovely spot for a landfill.

Steve A what?

Boss A landfill! You know, this town doesn't have one nearly close enough, and it takes up so much gas to get the trash to the nearest one. We could built one right here.

Steve (looking across fence) This is a cemetary. How the devil could you think of building a landfill over a cemetary??

Boss Aw come on, Steve. It's just a bunch of dead bodies.

Steve You disrespectful b****!

Boss Watch it, bub. Remember who's boss around here.

Steve Sorry. But how could you be so inconsiderate?

Boss Don't worry Steve, we'll just move the bodies is all! We've done this sort of thing before, you know.

Steve (whirling around) WHAT! WHERE?

Boss The whole town, Steve! It used to be a graveyard. So unprofitable! We moved the cemetary and we built this money-making little outfit on the location.

Steve Did you know the identities of any of the corpses?

Boss (laughing and shrugging) I don't go around memorizing grave stones, Steve. I know there was a rumor that there was some big-time cult leader buried here, but...

Steve You know the name? Boss Something Hubbard, I can't remember.

Steve Sounds sinister. I really wish you guys would lay off graveyards. Don't the dead deserve any respect at all?

Boss They're dead, Steve! They don't care. No one's going to complain if they don't know!

Steve Someone may have already been complaining...

Scene 9
Somewhere in the OTHER WORLD L Ron Hubbard with Xenu and all his OTHER MANIFESTATIONS is looking over at this world.

 All the Manifestations Together  We’ll get them yet! We’ll drain them of all their cash yet! Ma Ha Ha!

Continuation
Poopergeist Scenes 10 to 12