Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Start to Scene 2

Spoofs the following films/stories:


 * The Poltergeist series


 * Paranormal Activity 


 * The Sixth Sense 


 * Ghost


 * The Amytiville Horror


 * Xenu

Contributions welcome

'''Synopsis: L. Ron Hubbard, angry that his cult isn't getting even more money, comes back to life as The Beast. To avenge himself on the neighborhood of staunch skeptics of Scientology that has been built over his burial ground, he sends several clumsy poltergeists to possess the Freelings' house. Unfortunately, the bumbling ghosts fail to accomplish Hubbard's evil goals, so he sucks Carol Ann into the refrigerator, possesses her, and in this way enters the house and causes terror and mayhem during the night. With the help of a murdered financial accountant and a child who can see the dead among the living, the Freeling's fight to save their daughter and send the founder of Scientology into the Light, where he will finally be cleared of his delusions.'''

Scene One
Darkness.

Main Title.

Jimmy Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner" playing. Scenes of various American landmarks flash across the screen. The Lincoln Memorial's head has been replaced by that of Elmer Fudd.

Cut to: Overweight, unshaven Steven Freeling sprawled out on the easy chair in front of the television, which is now playing static. The static clears partially to show,  Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu  (now deposed) who glares with evil out of the television uttering fowl words.

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu:  You will never be rid of my evil influence unless you hand over the whole of your life savings to Scientology

Static returns, then the static clears partially again while Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu speaks again.

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu:  I'll goof the floof, just you wait and see if I don't.  Static returns.

Steven Freeling:Err, What did you say?

Static clears to show Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu still glaring with evil and making a gesture with his fowl alien hand. It is unclear if Xenu is raising one finger skyward in a very rude American gesture or if the evil one is thrusting with two fingers in a similar rude two fingered gesture popular in the United Kingdom, Australia etc. Indeed the strange, evil alien hand may possess one or more strange, evil alien fingers that branch into two part way up, only the disrespectful gesture is clear, Steven Freeling stirs.

Steven Freeling: Errr! Ooo!

Static returns Steven Freeling goes back to sleep.

The floor is littered with beer cans. The family dog is loudly and messily consuming the remains of what appears to be a dead animal. Are there rats in the house? The dog runs upstairs into Dana Freeling's room, where it finds an entire chocolate cake underneath the pillow. Devouring it, it runs into Carol Ann Freeling and Robbie Freeling's room where it eats Robbie's secret stash of Snicker's bars.

Exit dog.

Carol Ann sits up suddenly, rubs her eyes and makes her way down the stairs. She gets down on her knees in front of the television.

Carol Ann: Hellooooooo? Hellooo?

Suddenly Roz from Monsters, Inc. appears on the screen.

Roz: HELLO!! HAW HAW HAW!!

Carol Ann: What??

Static appears again.

Carol Ann: SPEAK UP, YOU STUPID *******S!!!! I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING!!!!

Steven, Dana, Robbie and Mrs. Freeling awaken and come down the stairs. TV ghosts are questioning Carol Ann.

Carol Ann (responding to questions): Five....I dunno....I dunno....WHAT??? You pervert!!! How dare you ask me that! [Makes puzzled face] My dental records?

Scene 2
Camera pans over scene of Cuesta Verde from a hilltop. Theme from "Ghostbusters" plays. Several signs appear on the hillside:

BEWARE: ANGRY SKELETAL SPIRITS

WELCOME TO CUESTA VERDE, HOME OF THE DESECRATED CEMETARIES

COME SWIM IN OUR SKELETON-INFESTED POOL! OPEN ALL NIGHT!

WHO YOU GONNA CALL? YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY!

Suddenly Rambo appears, outfitted with Ghostbusters apparel, including the unlicensed nuclear accelerator and ghost trap.

Rambo (firing his ray gun): YAAAAAAAAH!!! Ghosties, I'm comin' to GET YOU!!

Cut to: Man riding his bike laden with beer through the neighborhood. A couple local kids are sitting on the curb, playing with their RC cars. RC cars cross paths in front of bicycle, causing man to brake rapidly and spill all his beer on the ground. Beer cans violently explode, soaking man and several neighbors with beer.

Beer Man: Oh *  * STUPID *    *'s!

Man picks up exploded beer cans, which are somehow still spraying beer, and runs into Freelings' house where he plops down on the couch with a bunch of other football fanatics to watch the game. Suddenly the channel changes to Ghost Hunters, where Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Brian Harnois and a makeshift crew of "experts" are investigating the basement of a haunted mansion.

Brian Harnois: WHAT THE F***!! Did you hear that??

Crew Member: Sounds like the wind to me...

Brian reacts violently to something unseen, hitting Grant in the face and smashing a $1,000 camera.

Brian: SOMETHING TOUCHED ME!!! OMIGOSH THERE'S SOMETHING IN HERE!!!!!

Grant Wilson: What the...

Jason: WTF!!! There was a voice! It said "BLAKKA BLAKKA OOKA BLAKKWA!"

A mist appears in the room

Investigators and Crew together: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGH! RUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!

Crew push, shove and step all over each others' faces to get out of the basement. In the process the camera filming the episode is smashed. Brief static, and then the channel goes back to the football game, which has just ended. The winner was announced just before the game came back on.The football fans all start yelling and swearing. Steven Freeling sighs, gets up and goes to the sliding door to confront his next-door neighbor, Benny.

Steven: Benny, I can't believe you guys waste your time with that lame show. We just missed our game!

Benny: C'mon, Steve! We've never missed an episode. Look, just move your stupid set okay? [Aims remote control at Freeling house and clicks]

Steven [clicking back with his remote]: Move yours, Benny.

The two continue clicking at each others' houses faster and faster until both remotes and televisions blow up.

Benny: Damn you, nonbeliever! Xenu shall punish you for disrupting our moment of meditation!

Steven: Benny, maybe you should start actually thinking with your mind. It's God's precious gift. Don't waste it like Tom Cruise.

Benny: Xenu shall return and stack your corpses around volcanoes, and kill you with Cheese Whiz! You shall see!

Suddenly football fans come out in a rage and scare Benny back into his house.

Cut to: Diane Freeling cleaning out Robbie and Carol Ann's room. She sees a dead Tweety in the birdcage.

Tweety: I KNEW I taw a puddy-tat....

Narrator: Oh this is just plain silly and boring! Let's get to the exciting stuff!

Cut to: Later that night in Carol Ann and Robbie's bedroom. A ferocious storm is howling outside. Lightning and thunder are crashing and the house is shaking.

Robbie: Boy that storm sure is swell! I hope some lightning hits our house!

Narrator: WHAT???

Robbie: Ooops, I mean...AAAAAUGH! That storm is really freakin' scary!

Steve appears in the doorway.

Steve Hey what's wrong, buddy?

Robbie: I'm scared of the storm, Dad!

Steve: Well I think the storm is moving away from us! You know how I can tell?

Robbie Lemme guess. You wait for the lightning, then count all the terrible things that could happen to a child until you hear the thunder, right?

Steve Well not exactly, I mean that would be plagiarism. What you actually do is imagine the lightning hitting your worst enemy. Isn't that a swell idea?

Robbie: Totally Dad!!! I love it! Let's see...right now I'm thinking about it hitting that stupid jerk at school who keeps on taking my lunch money.

Steve That's the spirit! Keep it up! I'm going to bed now. Sleep tight! Don't let the lightning strike...er, bedbugs bite!

Robbie is about to start imagining, but suddenly he notices the creepy Krusty the Clown doll at the foot of his bed.

Robbie (curling up in fetal position) Can't sleep, clown will eat me! Can't sleep, clown will eat me!

Cut to: Robbie and Carol Ann sleeping with their parents. The television is on and playing static. Suddenly, Carol Ann awakens to the sound of faint voices in the TV. She gets up and kneels down in front of it.

Carol Ann *SIGH* You guys again? What is it this time?

Bright flashes appear on the screen and then suddenly a huge, creepy misty hand pops out of the screen!

Carol Ann Wow, that's a pretty cool trick!

The big hand continues to extend but suddenly it stops. A panicked voice is heard inside the TV.

Voice HELP! HELP! I'M STUCK!!!! I CAN'T GET THROUGH THE SCREEN! HAAAALLLP!

Another Voice Stupid moron! We're ghosts remember? We can get through anything! Now stop your clowning around and get through the damn screen!

First voice gives a painful whelp, and then suddenly there is a bright flash as Ghost 1 flies through the screen and into the wall right about the bed. The house shakes and things start falling and breaking. Family wakes up.

Steve What the h...Carol Ann! What on earth are you doing talking to the TV again??

Carol Ann (in a really creepy voice) THEEEEEEY'RE HEEEEEEERE! Muahahahahahaha

Diane Oh knock it off. Who's here?

Carol Ann The TV people!

Robbie What? You mean like Diane Sawyer and Bob Costas?

Carol Ann No stupid, the TV ghosts! They're using the TV as an entrance to our dimension from theirs!

Family together Oooooooh!

Cut to: Breakfast around the table next morning. The kids are having an all-out brawl and food and utensils and stupid insults are flying around the kitchen.

Diane Wow, we sure trained our kids right, didn't we?

Steve Who's "we?"

Steve straightens tie and then quickly leaves the house to go to work just as a fork lands right by the door. Dana finally gets up from the table to go to school.

Diane Dear, are you sure you want to go like that?

Dana Of course! Everyone else is doing it!

Dana quickly leaves as Robbie and Carol Ann are still covering each other in cold oatmeal.

Diane All right, kids, that's enough. Now Robbie, go get ready for school.

Robbie runs off to get ready, Diane starts scooting the chairs under the table while Carol Ann suddenly goes to stare at the static on the kitchen TV.

Diane Honey, that'll hurt your eyes!

Carol Ann Aww mom, everyone else watches static! Besides, the TV people want to talk to me again.

Diane Oh I wish you'd come off of that. There are no such things as ghosts! EEEEEK

Diane turns around to see the chairs stacked one on top of the other on top of the table.

Diane Oh gee, I guess I must've stacked all those together and forgot all about it! Yeah of course.

Cut to: Later that evening as Steve is coming home from work. Another ferocious storm is on its way in. He gets out of his car and suddenly Diane is rushing out the door and grabbing him by the hands and dragging him into the house.

Diane Hurry Steve, before it stops again!

Diane pulls Steve into the kitchen. Several burgers have been set out on the counter.

Diane Now try to be open-minded about what you see, all right?

Steve Okaaaaayy...

Suddenly, an invisible force starts messily devouring the burgers right in front of them. Ketchup and mustard and pickle relish spray all over the observers. Diane starts jumping up and down and screaming with delight. Steve wipes the mess from his face and huffs.

Steve Honey, have you feeding all our burgers to this thing?

Cut to: Later, in Steve and Diane's bedroom. They are having a loud argument.

Steve Honey, I'm serious here. I don't want you giving all our food to these...whatever they are! They're absolute piggish gluttons!

Diane But doesn't it just fill you with wonder?

Steve Hell no! I don't need to wonder! No one goes into the kitchen until I figure out what's going on, allright? And no more feeding these greedy polterthingies!

A terrifying s-c-r-e-a-m is heard from Carol Ann and Robbie Freeling’s room!

Steven  That’s my son, Robbie, I must rescue him!

Scene 3
Carol Ann and Robbie Freeling’s bedroom, eerie sound effects happen intermittently throughout this scene. A giant something has reached into the room and grabbed Robbie! The something looks like a gnarled tree with the head or face of Xenu somewhere on its trunk or in its branches. The something has limbs that could be the branches of a tree but could also be Xenu’s branching limbs as they appeared in the first scene. Steven Freeling (drunk) and Diane Freeling (sober) rush into the room. A tug of war follows as Diane and Steven Freeling pull their son back into the room while the tree/Xenu tries to pull Robbie out of the window. The tree/Xenu lets go and is sucked away by whatever, Xenu’s evil laughter is heard from the window.

 Xenu  I’ll be back.

Steven and Diane Freeling watch the retreating tree/Xenu then Diane Freeling looks apprehensively towards the door.

 Diane Freeling  Where’s Carol Ann?

Cut to: Carol Ann alone in the room. The closet suddenly flies open and a huge light appears inside and all the junk in the bedroom gets sucked towards it.

Carol Ann Okay, who left the vacuum cleaner on again?

Faint voices are heard whispering "C'mon, Carol Ann, let's go play!" The suction gets stronger and soon Carol Ann is hanging on to her bedpost for dear life.

Carol Ann What the heck is going on here? Let go of me! I don't wanna play with you! You guys are too rough!

Suddenly three ghosts who bear striking resemblance to Fatso, Stinky and Stretch from the Casper film appear in the closet doorway.

Stretch: Aww c'mon! We'll play nice! We promise! (Heeheeheeehee)

Suddenly Robbie's bed tilts upward and gets sucked toward the closet. The Ghostly Trio have barely a second to see it before it hits the doorway and crushes them.

Fatso (muffled): I keep telling you to watch where you're pointing that thing! We got the bed instead of the girl!

Carol Ann gets up and runs out of the room and into the kitchen.

Carol Ann Mom! Dad! I know who's been eating our...uh oh!

The refrigerator door suddenly flies open and the light appears inside.

Carol Ann Oh ****!!!!!

A ghostly hand (Stretch) reaches out of the fridge, grabs her, and pulls her in. The door slams shut.

Scene 4
The hall or vestibule just outside the living room or whichever room was the setting for the television scenes. Steven and Diane Freeling rush through and the camera follows them as they enter the television room. Steven and Diane Freeling stare disconsolately at the broken remains of the television set and the remote. Carol Ann’s voice is heard again from outside.

 Carol Ann  from somewhere outside Help me! Help me! I’m in the refrigerator!

The camera follows the parents again as they rush out of the television room and back into the hall or vestibule, then with the camera following them they rush into the kitchen. Desperately they open the refrigerator door, Carol Ann is nowhere to be seen and her voice is heard yet again.

 Carol Ann  from somewhere inside the fridge Help me! Help me! I’m in the freezer section!

The parents open the freezer section, there they see Carol Ann’s disembodied head inside a giant ice cube. Carol Ann speaks to them from the ice cube.

 Carol Ann (echoing)  It’s freezing here!

Diane: What's with that creepy voice?

Carol Ann: It happens when you get sucked into another dimension, you silly cow!

Diane and Steve look at each other. Dana is panicking in the background.

Dana Freeling: AAAAAAUGH! CAROL ANN'S HEAD IS IN THE FRIDGE!!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

Diane: Calm down, sweet....

Dana: IT'S POSSESSED! SATAN'S COME FOR OUR SOULS!!! AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!

Diane: Steve, take care of her will you, honey?

Steve: No problem, dear!

Steve takes a frying pan from the stove and whacks Dana quickly on the back of the head. A goofy grin spreads across her face and she falls to the ground and stars and circles and screeching birds circle around her head.

Diane: Thanks! Now, what do you propose we do about our daughter?

Steve: Well, I suppose we should just wait for her to regain consciousness and then...

Diane: No, I mean the one in the fridge!

Steve Oh. I guess we should call for some help!

Diane Ghostbusters?

Steve Don't be silly! I was thinking more like the Ghost Hunters team.

Cut to: Ghost Hunters walking up to walk to the Freeling home.

Jason Did you guys hear that???

Brian I think that was the door creaking open! And there's someone behind it!

Grant Oh, I think it's our host! You guys can chill.

Steve Thank goodness you guys are here! We need to get our daughter out of the other dimension.

Ghost Hunters enter the house and immediately freeze.

Brian AAAAUGH! That noise! I heard a creepy noise! It was like 'bip'!

Jason OMIGOSH! What's that??? (pointing towards photograph of Farrah Fawcett on the living room wall) A GHOST!!! A GHOST! RUN!

The Ghost Hunters stumble and push and shove and step all over each other as they rush out of the house in panic.

Steve Maybe we should've tried asking a psychic medium...