Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Scenes 9 to 10

Scene 9
Ryan  Who's that artist? [points at an old man with a bandaged ear in the corner]

Old Mae  (Slightly awestruck) I believe that’s Vincent van Gogh!

Vincent van Gogh  Cutting off my ear wasn’t the most sensible thing I ever did! Did I cut my ear off or did someone else cut it off when I got into an insane fury? I can’t quite remember but I know I spent time in an insane asylum.

Vincent van Gogh scratches his head below the hat, he starts in pain as his scratching fingers, his hand or his arm gets too close to the bandaged ear. A spirit leaves the group of Scientology victims carrying a folder with on the front £ & $ signs and in writting, “Expensive Scientology Courses”.

Scientologist  You really should have done a Scientology Course! That’s guaranteed to cure insanity!

Lisa McPherson  (Suspiciously) Does Scientology cure insanity in actual fact? Scientology didn’t cure me.

Scientologist  If you weren’t cured that must be your fault! You can’t have done the courses properly and now you must pay out more money to do more courses.

Another good-looking young girl of 20 wearing Norwegian type clothes comes to the front of the group of Scientology victims.

Girl Scientology harmed me! Scientology harmed my friends and family! Scientology harmed everybody who knew me! (She wrings ghostly hands.)

Several Scientology Victims together Something terrible must have happened!

Girl I was Kaja Bordevich Ballo!

Lisa McPherson  you look attractive, Kaja! How did the Scientologists hurt you?

Ghost of Kaja Bordevich Ballo (wistfully) I was attractive and intelligent, I’d left Norway where I lived and was studying French in Nice.

Vincent van Gogh  Nice was a pleasant town in my time.

Kaja Bordevich Ballo Nice is a cool town in our time too, I was doing well there, I had lots of friends, my life was just fine. I should have carried on with my studies, the lecturers were pleased with me, I should have prepared for a good career, found someone who liked me and married him, I should have got myself a happy, successful life!

Lisa McPherson What on Earth did the Scientologists do to you?

Kaja Bordevich Ballo Scientologists made me kill myself! 

Several make comments like, “That’s terrible!” “How could the Scientologists?” “You had just so much to live for!

Kaja Bordevich Ballo I took the  Oxford Capacity Analysis! It looked scientific, I thought it was to do with Oxford University.

Victims of Scientology (All together in one voice) The Scientologists tell lies! Their shitty test is nothing to do with Oxford University!

Kaja Bordevich Ballo After I’d done the test the Scientologists convinced me I was just worthless so within hours I killed myself!

A man among the Scientology Victims who hasn’t Spoken before That simply was not true! Your family valued you, your friends valued you! '''All were devastated when you died!

Kaja Bordevich Ballo I know that now! I wish I hadn’t hurt those who knew me that way! I wish I hadn’t done that dreadful thing! (She wrings her ghostly hands once more.)

Footnotes

A masked rider turns up on a white horse, if any group wanting to produce this play does not have the resources for horses the rider can be replaced by a man in appropriate outfit walking on and the man will not say, “Woa Sliver”. If resources permit a Native American accompanies the masked rider.

Masked Rider  We will avenge, Kaja, Lisa and all those harmed by Scientology! (The horsed gets a bit restless) Woa Silver.

Lisa McPherson  Whose that masked rider? (If there is no horse she asks) Who is that man in a mask?

Old Mae  He’s The Lone Ranger!

Masked Rider  ''' We will not forgive, We will not forget! ''' We are anonymous. We are legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us!

Old Mae  the masked rider is a manifestation of Project Chanology. Those wishing to attack Scientology without reprisals may wish to join them, just avoid anything illegal. They stay Anonymous to avoid reprisals, Anonymous show the world the harm Scienology causes, Anonymous have fun.

The tape ends as all the spirits get sucked up into the ceiling

Old Mae opens her eyes.

Steve  Something doesn't smell right.

Oda Mae I recognize the spirit with Van Gogh. He has that same Evil Presence feeling that I got with Tom Cruise.

Ryan These spirits are all bewildered and confused...I’m not even sure they all really know that they're dead.

Oda Mae Some of them don't. Sometimes for a short while they know they've died, then they get confused and forget. They think they're still alive, and they're reliving their suffering over and over, and they're taking it out on the house. They kidnapped your little Carol Ann because they see her life force as their salvation.

Diane Oh no! Then how can we get her back?

Oda Mae I know a professional psychic, Tangina Barons. She's cleaned many houses of these type of ghosts. She'll know what to do. First we'll need to take these tapes back to the lab. I'll leave Ryan and...

Marty I'm not staying. I've had enough of this place! That chicken leg nearly burned my tongue off.

Oda Mae Very well, Marty will stay behind at the lab while Ryan and I return with help.

Cut

Robbie and the family dog are leaving in a taxi for Robbie's grandmother.

Diane Robbie? Call me, okay?

Robbie I'll send you a text.

He sticks his tongue out at the house as he leaves in mockery of the ghosts but the window rolls up and traps his tongue.

Robbie AAAAAUGH! Helth me!! My tongue ith thuck!

Scene 10
Steve's boss is visiting the house. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7j4MqRHIv3o Begin at 6:25)

Boss The boys have been missing you at the office, Steve!

Steve Yeah I know, but we've all been real sick. REAL sick.

Boss You still got the flu?

Steve Swine flu. You know how long that stuff lasts.

Boss Whew, it's a good thing I got my vaccination!

Steve Yeah, sure! You're going to end up with a bunch of other health problems as a result.

Boss Come on, you right-wing nutcase. It's been proven to work.

Steve No, I'll show you some studies...

Boss ANYWAY I have no interest in debating at this time. Aren't you people getting any better?

Steve Nope, it's just been getting worse. It's probably not going to let up for a long time. On top of that we've been being attacked by....well we've all just been really sick, I'll leave it at that shall I?

Suddenly the drum set starts playing itself and moving towards Steve's boss. The lamp picks itself up and aims for the boss and so do the set of knives in the drawer. Robbie's Darth Vader poster comes to life, comes down the stairs and swings its lightsaber at his head. Steve quickly grabs him by the shoulders and hustles him toward the door.

Steve Anyway I'm sure you don't want to stick around this house full of sick people, so I'll see you later okay?

Boss (examining porch light which is suddenly glowing unnaturally brightly) Gee, you've got some electrical problems too! What's in there, thousand watt bulb?

Steve Oh no, that's our new Energy-Saver light bulb. It's the best way to cut down on greenhouse emissions and save money from those money-grubbing electrical companies.

Lightbulb gets brighter then suddenly explodes.

Boss Doesn't look like you've quite grasped the green idea yet, Steve.

Steve Well it's a work in progress.

Boss Steve, would you like to go for a drive? There's something I'd like to show you.

Cut

Steve and his boss are standing on a hill overlooking Cuesta Verde.

Boss Imagine Steve...this is a lovely spot for a landfill.

Steve A what?

Boss A landfill! You know, this town doesn't have one nearly close enough, and it takes up so much gas to get the trash to the nearest one. We could built one right here.

Steve (looking across fence) This is a cemetary. How the devil could you think of building a landfill over a cemetary??

Boss Aw come on, Steve. It's just a bunch of dead bodies.

Steve You disrespectful b****!

Boss Watch it, bub. Remember who's boss around here.

Steve Sorry. But how could you be so inconsiderate?

Boss Don't worry Steve, we'll just move the bodies is all! We've done this sort of thing before, you know.

Steve (whirling around) WHAT! WHERE?

Boss The whole town, Steve! It used to be a graveyard. So unprofitable! We moved the cemetary and we built this money-making little outfit on the location.

Steve Did you know the identities of any of the corpses?

Boss (laughing and shrugging) I don't go around memorizing grave stones, Steve. I know there was a rumor that there was some big-time cult leader buried here, but...

Steve You know the name? Boss Something Hubbard, I can't remember.

Steve Sounds sinister. I really wish you guys would lay off graveyards. Don't the dead deserve any respect at all?

Boss They're dead, Steve! They don't care. No one's going to complain if they don't know!

Steve Someone may have already been complaining...