The Aliens of the Flaming Red Sun

I'm Proxima Centauri, please help me. I'm nearer to the Solar System than any other star. And if you don't help me I don't know who else will. I'm only a little star. And I'm blushing all red because I'm so little. And I can't get yellow or blue like the bigger stars. I'm not a bright shiny star like Sirius. And I'm not a powerful luminous star like Rigel. And my nearest neighbours are Alpha Centauri A and Alpha Centauri B and they're both a quarter of a light year away. And I'm all alone in a big Galaxy. And I'm scared I'll get hurt.

I’ll tell you what my biggest problem is. You see most of my planets are well behaved. But there’s one orbiting quite close to me. It’s a |real turbulent one. And the things there are the weirdest Aliens. And they’re exploring the Alpha Centauri system now. And when they’ve finished guess where they’re going next?

The things that crawled out of the slime on the planet Porrila
''The following is an account of conditions in the Centaurian system just before First Contact. Translation was collaboration between Centaurian “Blue Tentacles the 5th” and Terran, "Peter Bliggs". It was released into the Public and Alien Domain without copyright restrictions by the authors. After numerous Wiki Conferences and Wiki Edit Wars and Wiki Disagreements and Wiki Conflict Resolution Procedures Wikipedia Uncyclopedia decided to reproduce the text in full without alterations. ''

The Text
A messenger approached lowering all his tentacles respectfully. “A delegation of astronomers wishes to speak with you at the palace oh most eminent one.” The great ruler Morowl extended one of his forward tentacles. He scooped up a huge wodge of mud and splattered it over the front part of his body. “Tell the astronomers to speak to me here.” he replied. The messenger lowered himself respectfully but he took care not to get the mud further than his lowest parts. It was royal mud and he was not worthy to touch it. “Your eminence wishes the astronomers to meet you here in the most sacred and exclusive kingly mudbath?” The great ruler Morowl extended one of his rearward tentacles. He scooped up another huge wodge of mud and splattered it over the back part of his body.“ Yes. I can’t be bothered to go back to the palace” he said. A humble minion ushered the head Royal Astronomer into the presence of the great ruler. Carefully he kept his robe out of the mud. Morowl was pleased that he’d kept to the traditional design of the robes. The deep purple of the robe looked truly impressive. The silver pattern of planets, stars and galaxies superimposed was a real work of art. And when light of the red sun Proxima Centauri shone onto them the designs contrasted exquisitely with the background.

Morowl gestured and the minion indicated urgently that the astronomer must bow lower. The astronomer approached Morowl bowing low. He strove with as much dignity as he could to keep his robe out of the mud. Morowl struck out two of his tentacles and spoke. “Come on my good man alien. I’m really pleased with you. Come share the royal mud with me.” Morowl grabbed the astronomer and pulled him towards the mud. Instinctively the astronomer resisted. "Unworthy" he mumbled. Morowl pulled him till he was firmly planted in the mud and the bottom half of his robe was covered with it. “Now” Morowl asked, “tell me about this new planet you have discovered.” The astronomer shifted about uncomfortably. “Is it your wish that I go back and change my robes?” “No, not at all!” Morowl insisted, “Didn’t you heart me? Tell me about this planet you discovered. I’ve read the early report. You say you have definitely found nitrogen, oxygen and water vapour in the atmosphere of the new planet.” “Yes, indeed we have and we think there may be life there, my lord.” Morowl gestured and a minion scurried off to get the reports from the other astronomers. The astronomer started to explain, carefully keeping the upper part of his robe out of the mud. Morowl struck out three tentacles and pulled him firmly. The astronomer protested, “My lord, I and unworthy”. Morowl paid no attention and pulled. Soon the astronomer was deep in the mud, right up to whatever the alien had instead of a neck.

Reports were brought. The astronomer explained about the new planet, light-years away. He explained the type of sun that planet orbited. He explained about other planets in that planetary system. Mainly he explained why he thought there might be life there. The mud sank steadily deeper into his robes. Finally Morowl dismissed him. A minion escorted him away. “I know I will never wear those robes again.”, the astronomer said. “You are indeed fortunate.” The minion ventured. The astronomer turned to him proudly. “No one will ever wear these robes again. The robes will be carefully preserved. Later I will show my children and my grandchildren that I was permitted to share the royal mud.”

The First Human Spaceship hasn’t yet arrived on Porrila
''This further translation is again the work of "Peter Bliggs", this time assisted by Centaurians “Green Tentacles the 2nd” and “Yellow Eyespots the 23rd”. It was released into the Public and Alien Domain as before. Wikipedia Uncyclopedia has reproduced the text in full. Those disagree with the decision are appealing to Jumbo Whales, the great great great grandson of Jimbo Whales.“

The text again
Long and hard the Centaurian scientists worked to discover and evaluate data on the new planet and the incredible beings that lived there. They found a planet with many pleasant places where there were cool plants and cool animals. And they even found quite a bit of mud at river deltas and other places. But they just couldn’t understand the dominant species on the planet. The dominant species kept doing uncool things like pouring carbon dioxide into the planet’s atmosphere. Now carbon dioxide warmed the planet up so those cool green places and the mud could become sad, lifeless deserts. And the dominant species kept pouring pollutants into streams, rivers, lakes and oceans so those streams, rivers, lakes and oceans and muddy places became bad places and gave off horrible smells and life there died. And the Centaurians had such compassion for the unfortunate planet Earth and its people.

The Centaurians decided to contact the Terrans. Perhaps they hoped, if the Terrans had cool friends from Outer Space they would stop being so suicidal. .Now Proxima Centauri is just over 4 light years away from Earth. That means that waiting for replies took awfully long. After many decades the Terrans and the Centaurians developed a common language that worked most of the time. Then the Centaurians and the Terrans hoped to become friends and thought a visit would be cool. How could they get together? It’s just no good saying, “You just catch the 28 bus away from the City Centre and get off at the crossroads after the railway bridge” when your cool friend is just over 4 light years away.

Building starships
The Terrans and the Centaurians tried to pool information about building starships. The Terrans said, “We’re thinking of scooping up tiny little hydrogen atoms from interstellar space and using them to fuel a starship engine. Then for 4 years the Terrans worried. “What will happen when the Centaurians get the message? We know they're very hierarchical. Will our alien friends think scooping up hydrogen atoms is silly? That looks stupid and it doesn’t look funny at all.” Then for another 4 years the Terrans worried. “Did our alien friends think scooping up hydrogen atoms is silly? Are they looking down on us?”  Then the time came when the Terrans expected the Centaurian reply. A call sign came showing the reply was imminent. Papers put the front page on hold. News websites prepared for the historic reply. Then the reply came. “We don’t understand you. What’s a scoop? What’s an engine?”

The Terrans were so sad that their alien friends couldn’t understand them. And the Terrans were a bit impatient. They had a different idea for a starship engine as well and they didn’t want to wait decades and decades till the Centaurians understood them. The best scientists and linguists set about explaining what beamed propulsion means. Then the Terrans sent a message, “We’re also thinking of sending out a beam of laser light or charged particles. We’ll fit an ever so lightweight sail onto the starship to catch the little photons of light or the charged particles. Our best scientists think that might work splendidly. The starship wouldn’t need to carry fuel so it would be much lighter and better. Which do you think is the better idea? Should we work on the Bussard ramjet or the beamed propulsion? Please tell us, wonderful alien friends. Which of the two do you think is more cool?”

Peter Bliggs noted the tentacles of the Centaurian on the computer screen flashed scarlet. The Centaurian looked young, near his own age. Did the Centaurian like the Terran suggestions? Peter could never quite understand Centaurian expressions. He clicked the computer for an analysis. No. That shade of scarlet meant derision. Then Peter set about typing the translation. Here is is. “What’s the matter with you Earthlings? You think you should develop Ramjets OR Beam propulsion. Can’t you see what’s obvious? Use both together in the same craft.” Momentarily Peter put his hand in front of his face. He turned to his assistant and spoke. “They despise us. They don’t even send some alien in authority. Will we ever get their respect?”