Novelas talk:Deep vortex/1

Pivorod,

Your story needs reworking and polishing to become very well written. Here's a line by line analysis, something you might consider getting into a habit of doing to your entire story:

Capitalize the first word of every sentence. This first sentence is an expository, and serves to disrupt the flow of your work. Is it necessary? I find that getting right into the story, leading with an anecdote, etc. can prove far more effective than not getting around to it. Also, spelling is important: 'worn' > 'warn', 'your' > 'you're'. The second line, a warning, isn't good either, because people expect that in stories.


 * it kind of began along time ago; it was something that I must tell you before we can move on with the story. I must worn you that it could be a little more than your used to.

What's a cram day? What's 'something bad well bad for the shi some one' supposed to mean? Read it out loud and ask yourself if it makes sense! Is this fantasy, science fiction, or realism? A person's name should always be capitalized, 'Max Spendilten'.


 * It was a nice cram day in the town of vendor and it was the start of something bad well bad for the shi some one with great power was born and he was called max spendilten.

Umm... This part is flow shattering. It disrupts the flow too much and is off-putting for readers. A better way would be to start off the story already with Max's point of view. You should have a period after 'story'.


 * This is where I come into the story I'm max spendilten and I think that I should take the story from now on.

Boasts, boasts... Try to avoid them? What does 'well will' mean? 'Well we'll'? Such a cliffhanger is artificial, meaning readers perceive them way too easily and get disgruntled. Use 'eleventh' instead of '11th'. Quit with all the pointless words, get to the point already! If you 'will like to go back to when I did not have any powers', explain what powers you have first, tell the reader why it's important, and why you want to start with a flashback. 'Powers' just by itself is also an artificial cliffhanger.


 * I was born with great power well will find out what power I have. I did not know that I had powers until my 11th birthday but I will like to go back to when I did not have any powers.


 * Wake up max wake up (Sara my mother yelled)


 * Mum I am awake thanks to you (I groaned)


 * I got up and got my dressing gown on, and walked down to breakfast.


 * Mum why did you get me up so early (I asked)?


 * Dad (Quin-t-won) came in and sat down mum didn't say a word.

Son where taking you to training (Quin-t dad said)