Lord of the Rings (Politically Correct version)

Back when the The Lord of the Rings was written, it was a time when people were very mean and nasty and used obscene, racist, ageist and sexist terms, amongst other things. This new, updated version of Lord of the Rings is an attempt to correct those wrongs. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not calling J.R.R. Tolkien a bad man; we are not calling anyone bad. We are saying that he was basically good, but he had some less-than-benevolent habits. I am certain that today he would realize his mistakes and would be more than willing to correct them, given his basically good tendencies. So without further delay, we present to you, the Politically Correct Lord of the Rings.

The Prologue
We will start with a description of some decent creatures called hobbits. Now hobbits are vertically challenged, meaning they are not as vertically enhanced as humans are. However, although they may be different, they are certainly not unequal to humans in any way. They speak, think, and act in very similar manner.

Now hobbits have a tendency to be rather size-enhanced, and they ingest edible substances in a manner which exceeds the average human, but we are not promoting discrimination against them because of this. They certainly have a right to ingest more food than the average human, as have they the right to be size-enhanced. Despite these factors, however, they are certainly very much more speed-enhanced, being able to vanish into heavily-wooded areas more speedily than the average human, especially when they hear the less-than-graceful individuals like you or I come along in a sound-enhanced way, making noises that are rather pachydermish in nature that they could detect at least 2,580 feet away. Now we are not denying individuals like you or I the right to be less-than-graceful, we are simply stating the rather unusual (but not "strange" or "weird") abilites of hobbits.

Now, there was one certain hobbit by the name of Baggins. His first name was Bilbo, but most folks knew him by the name Baggins. Now Baggins had a very unusual adventure, being taken out of the land of his birth (the Shire) and being exposed to new ideas and places. This certainly helped him to become more open-minded toward others, and to cut it short it also helped him to become more wealth-enhanced than his various relatives and acquaintences. But we won't go into that right now, because we have a much more length-enhanced story to relate to you.

Now on Mr. Baggin's adventure, he was separated from his more vertically-enhanced companions (who were still considered to be challenged in this area when compared to humans) in a large, open space which was light-impaired. In this large, open light-impaired space, he encountered a wetness-enhanced and rather viscous-skinned individual who was called by the name Gollum. Now Gollum was very kindness-impaired. This is certainly not an attempt to say that all creatures of his likeness (as a matter of fact, specially, he was quite alone) are this way, nor is it denying him the right to his various dispositions. Now Gollum had some rather unique habits (which are certainly not unequal to ours), which included catching creatures of the species Ichthyus and ingesting them without taking any measures to dispose of the illness-causing, misunderstood creatures which lived inside them. At any rate, Gollum was a unique, yet misunderstood being.

Now Bilbo discovered that Gollum (or Smeagol, as he was previously known as) possessed a rather unusual piece of gold, a ring. Now this ring had a very unique property which is worthy of recognition: when placed on one's finger, it gave that person the very special attribute of being visually diminished, meaning that no light was now reflecting off of him. Needless to say, this proved a very useful ability, and through it he was able to escape some less-than-tolerable conditions.

In a small amount, Bilbo Baggins managed to arrive back home very wealth-enhanced and a lot more open-minded than he had been previously. This is the story of what happened to his sibling's male child, Frodo.

Book One: The Brotherhood of the Golden, Circular Artifact
Now Bilbo Baggins was becoming very chronologically-enhanced. He had many years of knowledge and experience behind him, and was looking to the future with confidence and peace. Now this particular time at which this story is written is a very special time, as Mr. Baggins was approaching his one-hundred and eleventh celebration of the day of his birth. Needless to say, visually he did not seem to be this chronologically-enhanced, but he confirmed it, so he was having a celebration, and he invited all his various acquaintences, friends, well-wishers and distant relations to join him in this very joy-enhanced time.