Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring Spoof/3

Cut to scene of the fellowship walking through Moria. Gandalf runs his hands along a silvery crack pattern on the wall. He shines his staff into a chasm.

Gandalf: The wealth of Moria was not in gold... nor jewels... not even cocaine... but mithril.

The fellowship looks into the chasm.

Pippin: You’re gonna make me jump, aren’t you?

Gandalf: Now why would we do that, my dear hobbit?

Pippin: I dunno. Maybe you think I’m a crap-disturbing malcontent.

The fellowship stares at Pippin.

Pippin: Never mind.

Gandalf: Bilbo had a shirt of mithril rings that Thorin gave him.

Gimli: Oh! That was a kingly gift.

Gandalf: Yes! I never told him... but its worth was greater than the value of the Shire.

Frodo: WHOOPEE! HOT DAMN!!

Everyone looks at Frodo.

Frodo: Eh, uh... wow! Just look at that chasm. Gee! They just don’t make chasms like this anymore.

Show the fellowship climbing up a very steep stairway. Pippin slips and slides back down.

Pippin: OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH!

Merry (climbing back down the stairs to get Pippin): Ah, for the love of ...

The fellowship comes to three doorways, each leading in different directions. Gandalf looks around slowly.

Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.

Cut to scene of the fellowship sitting around a fire in Moria.

Pippin: Are we lost?

Merry: No.

Pippin: I think we are.

Merry: Shh. Gandalf’s thinking.

Pippin: Merry?

Merry: What?

Pippin: I’m hungry.

Merry: Well you can eat my shorts for all I care.

Pippin: You’re not wearing shorts.

Merry: Shut up.

Pippin: And besides, why would I want to eat a pair of shorts?

Merry: It’s a saying, doofus.

Pippin: What’s a doofus?

Merry: It’s a person who sits around all day bugging his friend about trivial things.

Pippin: Oh, I love that game.

Merry: What?

Pippin: Trivial Pursuit.

Merry: Will you just bloody well shut your face?!

Pippin: I wonder where that phrase came from. I mean, you don’t shut your whole face, right? You just shut your mouth.

Merry: I will shut your whole face if you don’t zip the lip!

Pippin: Why are you so angry right now?

Merry: Pippin?

Pippin: What?

Merry: Be quiet please.

Pippin: Fine.

Frodo looks down towards a far-away part of the cave. He sees a figure jumping from rock to rock. Frodo walks up to Gandalf.

Frodo: There’s something down there!

Gandalf: It’s Gollum.

Frodo: Gollum?

Gandalf: He’s been following us for three days.

Frodo: He escaped the dungeons of Barad-dûr?

Gandalf: Escaped... or was set loose. Now the Ring has brought him here. He will never be rid of his need for it. He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. Sméagol’s life is a sad story. Yes, Sméagol he was once called, before the Ring found him... before it drove him mad.

Frodo: It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill him when he had the chance.

Gandalf: You violent sicko! Don’t you have any sympathy for poor old Sméagol?

Frodo: Not really.

Frodo sits down on a rock.

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times... but that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us... if that means braving all hardships to destroy the Ring, or summoning an army of mutant dinosaurs to do the dirty work for us.

Frodo: God, that was random.

Gandalf looks up.

Gandalf: Oh! It’s that way.

Merry: He’s remembered.

Gandalf: No, but the air doesn’t smell so foul down here. Always trust your nose, Merry. You nose will guide you wherever you need to go.

Everyone looks at Gandalf with shocked looks on their faces.

Gandalf: What?

Aragorn: You didn’t know?

Gandalf: Know what?!

Merry: I don’t have a sense of smell. I got hit in the head with a ball... when I was nine.

Gandalf: Uh. W... eh... sorry.

The fellowship walks into an extremely large hall.

Gandalf: Let me risk a little more light.

Gandalf brightens his staff.

Gandalf: Behold... the great realm and Dwarf-city of Dwarrowdelf.

Sam: HOLY SH... CROW!

The fellowship walks some more.

Gimli sees a doorway leading into a chamber with a stone coffin the centre.

Gimli (running into the room): Oh!

Gandalf: Gimli!

The fellowship follows Gimli into the chamber. Gimli stops at the coffin and kneels down.

Gimli: No... oh no...

Gimli starts to cry.

Gandalf walks up to the coffin.

Gandalf: “Here lies Balin... son of Fundin... Lord of Moria.”

Frodo pats Gimli on the back.

Gandalf: Well... guess that means no more “Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star.”

Gandalf picks up a large book out of the hands of a dwarf corpse.

Legolas: We must move on. We cannot linger.

Gandalf (reading from the book: “They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates... but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark.”

Pippin backs against a well with a dwarf corpse sitting on it.

Pippin (very nervously): Pffft. Just a stupid corpse...

Gandalf: “We cannot get out. They are coming.”

Pippin (nervously): Okay, corpse. You wanna piece of The Pippin?

Pippin brings his fist back and wallops the corpse’s head. The head falls off and clangs noisily down the well. The rest of the corpse slides down the well and also makes a massive racket. Pippin winces with each bang the corpse makes. The noises stop.

Gandalf (with an extremely irritated look): You crap-disturbing malcontent.

Pippin (moving towards the well): So... you want me to jump?

Merry: Pip! No.

(long pause as Pippin looks guiltily at the floor)

A low, faraway boom echoes through the mines.

Gandalf looks slowly at Pippin. Another boom sounds. Pippin looks at a puddle of water on the ground. With each boom, there is a small ripple that appears in the puddle.

Pippin: Oh my god... it’s the Tyrannosaurus.

Merry (staring at Pippin): You really need to get out more.

The shrieking of orcs echoes through the mine. Frodo pulls out his sword, which is glowing blue.

Legolas: Orcs!

Boromir runs to the entrance of the chamber. Two arrows fly past him and stick into the door.

Aragorn (to the hobbits): Stay back! Keep close to Gandalf, and if everything looks really bad, bend over and kiss your sorry a...

Gandalf: Shut the h#!! up, Aragorn!

Aragorn and Boromir close the door as a tremendous roar echoes through the mine.

Boromir (calmly): They have a dinosaur.

Pippin: See? Seeeeee? And you said I needed to get out more!

Merry: Well hey, you said it was a Tyrannosaurus! It could be a Deltadromeus, or a Spinosaurus, or a...

Aragorn: Stay quiet, hobbits.

Legolas throws Aragorn and Boromir some axes. Aragorn and Boromir use them to block the door.

Gimli (climbing on top of the stone coffin): Let them come! There is one dwarf left in Moria who still can shred orcs into Spaetzle!

Gandalf: No matter where we go or where we are, Gimli, you always seem to have that sick sense of humour.

Gimli: What? No, I can actually shred orcs int...

The orcs bust down the door. Aragorn and Legolas shoot some. The whole fellowship then begins fighting. Aragorn chops off an orc’s head. There is a loud roar. Sam looks at the doorway. A Tyrannosaurus crashes through and roars.

Pippin: See? I told you!

Merry: Whatever!

Legolas shoots an arrow into the Tyrannosaurus’s shoulder. The Tyrannosaurus growls. Sam runs between its legs just as it snaps its head forward, trying to get a snack. The T. rex turns around and corners Sam. It is about to eat Sam when Aragorn and Boromir begin pulling on the T. rex’s chain. The T. rex turns around. Aragorn lets go of the chain, but Boromir does not, and gets flung towards a wall. Boromir smashes against the wall and falls to the ground. An orc comes up to Boromir and is about to impale him. Aragorn throws his sword at the orc, and the sword sticks into the orc’s neck. Aragorn nods to Boromir. Meanwhile, the T. rex snaps at Gimli, who is still standing on the stone coffin. The T. rex bites the coffin, and Gimli jumps off. Gimli kills some orcs. The T. rex chases Gimli, but then turns its attention to Legolas. The T. rex flings its head around, using its chain as a whip. The chain flicks against some pillars, but doesn’t get to Legolas. The T. rex flings the chain again, and the chain wraps around a pillar. Legolas runs along the chain and shoots the T.rex in top of its head.

Pippin: Legolas! You missed the braincase! The brain is f...

The T. rex bucks Legolas off. Legolas lands perfectly on the ground. Meanwhile, Sam is hitting orcs in the face with a frying pan.

Sam: HAVE A TASTE OF MY CONCUSS-O-TRON!!

The other three hobbits are suddenly confronted with the T. rex. The T. rex snaps at them. Merry and Pippin run in one direction, while Frodo runs the other way. Frodo darts behind a pillar. He walks around it, trying not to be seen by the T. rex. When he thinks he is finally safe, Frodo stops. The T. rex suddenly peers around the corner. It roars loudly.

Frodo: YIPE!!!

Frodo runs into a corner. The T. rex bites his legs and drags him out. Frodo slashes the T. rex on the nose.

Frodo: ARAGORN!!

Aragorn: Frodo!

Aragorn runs toward the T. rex, who lets go of Frodo. Aragorn spears the T. rex in the leg. The T. rex hits Aragorn with its head. Aragorn hits a wall and falls down, unconscious. The T. rex turns its head around and takes the spear out of its leg. It then spears Frodo in the stomach.

Frodo: UNGGH!

Merry and Pippin jump onto the T. rex’s back.

Pippin: TIME TO OPEN UP A CAN OF MY FAVOURITE BRAND OF WHOOPASS!!!

Merry and Pippin slash away at the T. rex. Legolas gets a tranquilizer gun off his back and shoots the T. rex in the side. The T. rex grumbles and stops fighting. It wobbles and then falls over. Merry and Pippin fall off the T. rex. The fellowship walks over to Frodo, who is lying on his front on the ground. Aragorn flips Frodo over. Frodo pants.

Sam: HE’S ALIVE!! WHOOPEE!

Aragorn: How the... what the... why the...

Frodo opens his shirt up to reveal his mithril shirt.

Gimli: Mithril!

(pause)

Gimli: You... you... you’re like a big sack of surprises, you know that? You’re like an Antonov 225 that’s chock-full of surprises. You’re so full of surprises, I bet you’re about to explode!

Merry: You’re weird, Gimli.

Gimli: Oh yeah?! Well, I bet... I bet...

Orcs shriek and squeal outside the entrance to the chamber.

Gandalf: To the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!

The fellowship runs through a doorway and into the hall. Orcs climb out of cracks in the ground and in the ceiling. The orcs surround the fellowship. Everyone is quiet as the orcs stare at the fellowship. A great, low rumbling sound echoes through the hall. A red light appears at the end of the hall. All the orcs look around, frightened. They all run away.

Gimli: AND DON’T COME BACK! HA HA!!

The fellowship turns their attention to the red light.

Boromir: What is this new devilry?

Pippin: Please tell me it’s not another Tyrannosaurus!

Merry: Tyrannosauruses don’t glow red, Pip.

Pippin: Oh yeah?! They might! There’s no fossil evidence that they glowed red, but there isn’t any that shows they didn’t glow red, either!

Merry: We just came across one, you ditz. Was it glowing red?

Pippin: Ah, touché.

Gandalf: A Balrog.

Merry: See?

Gandalf: This foe is beyond any of you.

(pause)

Gandalf: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

The fellowship runs. Boromir comes to a stairway that has broken off.

Boromir: AAAAAAH!

Legolas grabs Boromir and prevents him from falling.

Gandalf (to Aragorn): Lead them on, Aragorn. The bridge is near.

(pause)

Gandalf: DO AS I SAY, ARAGORN ELIZABETH MCKNIGHT!

Aragorn: That’s not even close to my real name!

Gandalf: If you want to be burned into a crisp and crushed into oblivion, be my guest! But if not, DO AS I SAY!! Swords are no more use here!

The fellowship runs down a staircase. Legolas jumps over a break in the stairs. Gandalf is about to jump, but pauses. There is a grumble from behind him as parts of the ceiling fall out.

Legolas: Gandalf!

Gandalf jumps. Boromir grabs Merry and Pippin and jumps across. Arrows come out of the dark and bounce off the staircase. Legolas shoots into the darkness with a sniper rifle and plugs an orc. The orc falls off a ledge.

Aragorn: Sam!

Aragorn tosses Sam across the gap. Aragorn is about to toss Gimli across.

Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf!

Gimli jumps across and almost falls off. Legolas grabs Gimli’s beard.

Gimli: NOT THE BEARD!

Gimli gets properly onto the stairs. A piece of the stairs falls off on the other side. Aragorn and Frodo clamber up the stairs. A huge piece of rock falls from the ceiling and breaks a higher-up piece of the stairs.

Frodo: Well, it was nice knowing you, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Geez, really?

The piece of staircase that Aragorn and Frodo are on wobbles.

Aragorn: Lean forward!

Frodo: That’s not gonna do anything!

Aragorn: Just do it.

Frodo and Aragorn lean forward. The staircase piece wobbles backwards.

Frodo: See?!

Aragorn: AAAH!

The staircase piece wobbles forwards. It falls beside the downward stairs. Aragorn and Frodo jump off the side and land with the rest of the fellowship. Frodo happens to land in Boromir’s arms.

Boromir: OOF! You’re still fat!

Frodo knees Boromir in the stomach. Boromir vomits all over Frodo.

Frodo: EWW! Not again!

Sam gives Boromir a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Boromir drinks some and vomits all over Sam.

Sam: WHY YOU...

Gandalf: COME ON!!

The fellowship runs down the stairs. They come into a hall. Part of the floor is flaming.

Gandalf: RUN LIKE HECK!! ALL OF YOU!

The Balrog rises out of the flames. It chases the fellowship onto the bridge. Gandalf stays on the bridge and confronts the Balrog.

Gandalf: IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA PASS, THEN YOU’RE SADLY FREAKIN’ MISTAKEN!!

The Balrog rises up and its fire brightens.

Gandalf: I am Agent 008 of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn!

The Balrog takes out its sword and brings it down on Gandalf. Gandalf holds up his staff and melts the sword. The Balrog roars.

Gandalf: Go back to the Shadow. You shall not freakin’ pass!

The Balrog takes out its whip. Gandalf slams his staff down on the bridge. There is a flash of light. The bridge breaks in half and the Balrog falls into the chasm. Gandalf pants and turns around. The Balrog’s whip flies around and grabs Gandalf by the leg. Gandalf is pulled down. He hangs onto the ledge.

Frodo: GANDALF!

Gandalf: Fly, you totally ridiculous fools!

Gandalf falls into the chasm.

Frodo: GAAAANDAAAALF!

Everyone stares into the chasm.

Frodo: NOOOOOOO!!

Orc arrows fly past the fellowship. They run out of the mines and outside onto a rocky area. Sad music plays. Everyone sits around, crying (except for Pippin, who is blissfully eating a sausage). Aragorn cleans his sword off and puts it in his belt.

Aragorn: Legolas, get them up.

Boromir: Give them a moment, for pity’s sake!

Aragorn: By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with orcs. We cannot afford any lacerations, eviscerations, annihilations, obliterations, or any other kinds of ations.

Legolas: What about decorations?

Aragorn: Tss! You wish! We must reach the woods of Lothlórien.

Cut to scene of the fellowship walking through a forest.

Gimli: Stay close, hobbits. They say a great sorceress lives in these woods.

Pippin: Any dinosaurs?

Merry: Will you shut up about dinosaurs?!

Pippin: No harm in begin cautious.

Gimli: An Elf-witch... of terrible power.

Pippin: A dinosaur Elf-witch?!

Gimli: All who look upon her... fall under her spell.

Voice of Galadriel (to Frodo): Frodo...

Gimli: And are never seen again!

Pippin: Well thanks a lot, Gimli! I just wet myself.

Voice of Galadriel (to Frodo): Your coming to us is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, Ring-bearer.

Gimli: Well, here’s one dwarf she won’t ensnare so easily. I have the ears of a... thing that can hear really well, and the eyes of a thing that can see really well.

A bunch of Elven arrows point at the fellowship. Haldir walks up to Gimli.

Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loud, we could have pwned him in the dark.

Gimli: Grrr...

Cut to scene of the fellowship in Lothlórien.

Haldir (in Elvish): Welcome Legolas, son of Thranduil.

Legolas (in Elvish): Our fellowship stands in your debt.

Haldir (in Elvish): I’m not in debt.

Legolas (in Elvish): No, I mean that you saved us.

Haldir (in Elvish): From what?

Legolas (in Elvish): I dunno.

Haldir turns to the rest of the fellowship.

Haldir (in Elvish): Aragorn of the Dunedain... you are known to us.

Gimli: So much for the legendary courtesy of the Elves! Speak words we can all understand.

Haldir: We have not had dealings with the dwarves since the Dark Days.

Gimli: And which dark days do you mean when you say “the Dark Days?!” The Great Depression? The Medieval Times? The Great Extinction? The Galactic Empire? The Separation of Pangaea?!

Haldir: Surely even a dwarf should not be stupid enough to know that the Galactic Empire is a fictional time in Star Wars.

Gimli: And you know what this dwarf says to that?! I would rub crap in your face and spit in your hideous scraggly hair if only I had a stool to stand on.

Aragorn turns to Gimli.

Aragorn: That was not so courteous.

Gimli: And you think I meant it to be courteous?!

Haldir walks to look at Frodo.

Haldir: You bring great evil with you.

Frodo: FOR GOD’S SAKE! GIMME A BREAK, WILL YOU PLEASE?! YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE “GREAT EVIL” THAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH!!

Frodo leans on Legolas and starts to cry.

Haldir (embarrassed): I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean anything offensive!

Legolas picks up Frodo and hugs him.

Legolas (to Haldir, in Elvish): He’s been a wee bit sensitive lately. Don’t feel bad.

(pause)

Legolas: Don’t worry, Frodo. We’ll defeat that meanie beanie Sauron.

Cut to scene of Aragorn and Haldir talking in Elvish.

(long pause)

Boromir (to Frodo): Gandalf’s death was not in vain, nor would he have you give up hope. You carry a heavy burden, Frodo. Don’t carry the weight of the dead.

Haldir walks up to Frodo.

Haldir: You will follow me.

Frodo: Oh yeah?! Who says?

Haldir: Me.

Frodo: Oh yeah?! Well excuse me for breathing when you didn’t say that I could!

Haldir (sighing): Could you please come with me, Frodo?

Frodo: Fine.

Cut to scene of the fellowship walking through a forest. They come to a hilltop and look at a huge tree-covered hill.

Haldir: Caras Galadhon. The heart of Elvendom on Earth.

Pippin: Do they have bathrooms?

Haldir: My good hobbit, even the elves must go pee every once in a while.

Pippin: Woooowww.

The fellowship walks through a maze of stairways until they reach a platform. Celeborn and Galadriel slowly walk down a staircase to look at the fellowship. There is a bright light behind them.

Merry (gazing and drooling): Woah. So, even they pee too?

Haldir: Shut up right now.

Celeborn: The enemy knows you have entered here. What hope you had in secrecy is now gone. Eight there are here – yet nine there were set out from Rivendell.

Sam: Dang straight, Escher.

Celeborn: Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him. I can no longer see him from afar.

Galadriel: Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land. He has fallen into shadow.

Celeborn: So, like – he fell down a well or something?

Legolas: He was taken by both Shadow and Flame.

Celeborn: What?!! So somebody knocked Gandalf down there and set the whole thing on fire.

Legolas: A Balrog of Morgoth.

Celeborn: Ohhhhhh... those things. Yeah. WHAT?! GANDALF’S DEAD?!!

Legolas: He went needlessly into the net of Moria.

Galadriel: Needless were none of the deeds of Gandalf in life. ‘Cept when he got drunk and slept with a cat.

Merry: And when he kicked me in the pants!

Galadriel: No, that was needed. You deserved it, Merry.

Galadriel looks at Gimli.

Galadriel: Do not let the great emptiness of Khazad-dûm fill your heart, Gimli, son of Glóin. For the world has grown full of peril, and in all lands, love is now mingled with grief...

Galadriel looks at Boromir.

Celeborn: What now becomes of this fellowship? Without Gandalf, hope is lost.

Frodo quietly takes a knife out of his pocket and is about to cut his wrist when Aragorn quickly takes the knife away from him.

Galadriel: The quest stands upon the edge of a knife.

Aragorn: No, it’s okay, I took the knife away from him.

Galadriel: Don’t interrupt me.

(pause)

Galadriel: Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all.

Galadriel looks at Sam.

Galadriel: Yet hope remains while the Company is true.

(pause)

Galadriel: Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. And those greasy donuts you’ve been eating along the way.

Pippin (whispering to Merry): How does she know about the donuts?!

Galadriel’s voice to Frodo: Welcome, Frodo of the Shire. One who has seen GLOBAL WARMING AND OTHER SCARY BUT YET VERY REAL HORRORS!!

Cut to scene of Legolas walking through Caras Galadhon. Elves are singing in the background.

Legolas: A lament for Gandalf.

Merry: What do they say about him?

Legolas: I have not the heart to tell you. But I will tell you that they say “doobie doobie doo” way too much. And the “F” word.

Sam: I bet they don’t talk much about his fireworks. There should be a verse about them. “Big explosions, blue and green / They make me say “awesome dude!” / And I lost my – spleen – uh...

Merry: No offence, but you poetry sucks like crap!

Sam: Um - none taken.

Aragorn walks up to Boromir.

Aragorn: Take some rest. These borders are well-protected.

Boromir: I will find no rest here.

(pause)

Boromir: I heard her voice inside my head.

Aragorn: Ohhh – do you have autism?

Boromir: No! Shut up. She spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said to me, “Even now, there is hope left.” But I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope.

Aragorn: Are you emo?

Boromir (getting up and walking away): Is it possible for anyone to have a decent conversation with you?

Cut to scene of Galadriel walking in bare feet across grass. She steps on a pile of Lego.

Galadriel: Ack! Son of a...

Frodo wakes up and sees Galadriel. He follows her. They come to an area with a waterfall and a birdbath. A chickadee is drinking out of the bath. Galadriel whacks it off and the chickadee flies away, annoyed. Galadriel picks up a metal vase and scoops some water from the waterfall.

Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?

Frodo: What will I see?

Galadriel (pouring water into the birdbath): Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Things that were... things that are... and some things that have not yet come to pass.

Frodo steps up to the birdbath. He starts drinking from it.

Galadriel: No, you just look into it, you idiot.

Frodo looks into the bath. He sees images of the fellowship and the Shire.

Frodo: Wow, how’d you put this together, Windows Movie Maker?

Galadriel: Just keep watching...

The pool starts showing scenes of the Shire burning and orcs enslaving people. Frodo begins looking nauseous. The eye of Sauron appears.

Frodo: OH GAWD!

Frodo pukes in the bath and falls backwards.

Galadriel: I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass if you don’t stop being a screw-up. The fellowship is breaking; it has already begun. He will try to take the Ring. You know of whom I speak.

Frodo: Uh... jog my memory.

Galadriel: BOROMIR.

Frodo: Oh. Anyway, if you ask it of me, I will give you the One Ring.

Galadriel: You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a dark lord, you would have a queen!

Galadriel suddenly takes the form of a cartoony Mickey Mouse-Optimus Prime-Naruto thing.

Galadriel: Not dark but beautiful, and terrible as the dawn!! Treacherous as the sea in that movie about those guys on that sword fishing boat!! Stronger than the foundations of the earth!!! All shall love me and despair!

Galadriel changes back to normal.

Galadriel: I passed the test.

Frodo: Oh cool! What mark did ya get?

Galadriel: I will diminish and go into the West where the sun is always shinin’ and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so FLUFFY!

Frodo: Look – I can’t do this alone.

Galadriel: You are a Ring-bearer, Frodo. To bear a Ring of Power is to be alone.

Galadriel lifts up her hand, which has a white ring on it.

Frodo: Nice bling.

Galadriel: This is Nenya, the Ring of Adamant. And I am its keeper. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, we are all going to die an excruciatingly painful dead, and our bleeding carcasses will be crushed into the ground along with our hopes and souls! But no pressure.

Frodo: I know what I must do – but I’m afraid to do it.

Galadriel: Even the most hairy-footed person can change the course of the future.

Frodo closes his hand around the Ring.

Galadriel: Oh, and uh – be careful with those Rings of Power, Frodo. They’re almost as addictive as TimTams.

Cut to scene of the outside of Isengard.

Saruman: Do you know how the orcs first came into being?

Lurtz: No.

Saruman: They were elves once...

Lurtz: Yeah?

Saruman: Taken by the Dark Powers...

Lurtz: Oh.

Saruman: Tortured and mutilated!

Lurtz: Ah!

Saruman: A ruined and terrible form of life.

Lurtz: Ooh!

Saruman: And now...

Lurtz: Yeah?

Saruman: Perfected.

Lurtz: Yeah!

Saruman: My fighting Uruk-hai.

Lurtz: Mmm.

Saruman: Whom do you serve?

Lurtz: You!

Saruman: You can say more than just one-syllable words, can you not?

Lurtz: No.

Saruman: Crap. Umm... okay, say my name in parts.

Lurtz: Sar.

Saruman: Yeh?

Lurtz: Ooo.

Saruman: Go on...

Lurtz: Man!

Saruman: YEAH!