Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Scenes 11 to 12

Scene 10
Back in the Freeling House, extremely short Tangina Barrons is conducting a thorough investigation. Ryan, Oda Mae and Steven and Diane are standing beside the entrance to the kitchen as Tangina walks through.

Tangina (in a hoarse, raspy voice) Would ya'll mind movin'? You're jammin' my frequencies. [holds up a small transistor radio]

Steve [to Oda Mae] What's the problem, can't she just use her mind to pick up the signals?

Tangina You moron, this is t' pick up the white noises! Those always prove useful, we can write down the coded messages sent and find out something extremely useful from them. Just look at this message I got while clearing a castle in Germany!

She produces a piece of notebook paper with the words "SIEK HEILghos" and "JAWL MIN FRUHR" scrawled on it.

Diane Either that ghost can't spell worth shit or you completely made the whole thing up.

Tangina Don't talk down to the more experienced. How the f*** could you undahstand such complicated science? Now no more talkin' because I'm also listenin' with mah mind!

The voice of Tom Cruise is suddenly audible

Tom Cruise [struggling] Believe me, young lady, once you deposit all your family's savings into Scientology you'll be more than glad you did it! No one wants to have --OOF-- body thetans hanging around!

Carol Ann STOP IT, you stupid f***ing moron! You're not getting any money from me or my family!

Tangina Oh no! I know that voice! Now you must all take control of yourselves...to her it is merely Tom Cruise...a deluded, wasted millionaire. To us, however, it is someone far more dark and sinister...it is L. Ron Hubbbard, the founder of Scientology itself and drugged up to the teeth the way he was when he died!

Diane Oh lord, no! What can we do??

Tangina I'm afraid this will be very hard for you...which one of you is more threatening to her?

Diane Neither one! I mean...well, Steve decides the punishments.

Steve Oh no you don't go pinning it on me! YOU were the one who suggested the bricks. It was only my kind, compassionate nature that prevented you from doing it!

Diane Ha! I saw you go upstairs with the Grim Reaper costume that one time when the kids wouldn't go to sleep.

Steve puts his pointer finger up to protest, but he can't say anything.

Tangina Steve, then you need to call to her and tell her that if she doesn't respond to you she'll get punished!

Steve Oh very well. [Cups hands to mouth and puts on dark, deep scary Grim Reaper voice] CAROL ANN! CAROL ANN! THIS IS THE GRIM REAPER!

Carol Ann Who?

Steve THE GRIM REAPER! I AM DEATH!

Carol Ann This isn't about the hedge, is it?

Steve WHAT?? No, this has...I mean, NO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DAMN HEDGE. NOW LISTEN TO ME! YOU'RE DEAD NOW, SO SHUT UP! I MEAN, NO DON'T SHUT UP! TALK!

Carol Ann Okay...so Mr Death, are you a reaper?

Steve No...Carol Ann, this is your father here. Now listen here, if you don't answer me you'll get a good paddle from both your mother and me!

Carol Ann I already am talking!

Steve Oh, right. Um...I guess I'll turn it over to you, Diane.

Tangina Diane, tell her to go to the light! That's the only way to rescue her from L Ron Hubbard!

Diane No! She'll die!

Tangina Tell her, you stupid moron, or the next time you see her she'll be a member of the Church of Scientology.

Diane Oh okay, alright! Stop threatening me! CAROL ANN, GO TO THE LIGHT SWEETHEART! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE TOM CRUISE!

Carol Ann Are you in the Light, Mommy?

Diane Eeerrrrrggg....YES! MOMMY'S WAITING FOR YOU IN THE LIGHT! NOW RUN, AND GET AWAY FROM THAT STUPID ASSHOLE!

Tangina [points towards refrigerator] Now, open the door!

Tangina opens door and bright white light erupts from the fridge. Hurricane-force winds whip from the fridge, tearing the kitchen to pieces and tossing the people around like rag dolls.

Tangina CALM DOWN YOU STUPID BUTTHOLES! IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL!

Wind dies down and kitchen magically returns to normal and Tangina approaches the fridge.

Diane No! What are you doing?

Tangina I'm going in there, to her!

Diane Shouldn't we try throwing tennis balls into it first, so we can see where the exit is?

Tangina Very good point! Ryan, bring the tennis balls!

Ryan brings in two tennis balls with goofy faces drawn on them. Tangina takes one and orders Steve to stand in the bathroom by the toilet. Tangina throws tennis ball into fridge, ball comes up out of toilet with a flash and hits Steve in the face.

Steve Eew, what is this nasty brown slime on it?

Oda Mae We've found it! The portal to the other side!

Tangina throws the other ball in and this time Ryan catches it as it comes from the toilet.

Ryan I hope this didn't go through the septic on its way up!

Tangina Okay, now bring the rope!

Ryan goes outside and comes back in with a package of Nerds Rope candy.

Tangina You asshole, not that rope! The NON-edible kind!

Ryan Aha. [Runs back out and comes back with the actual rope]

Tangina approaches fridge

Diane What are you doing??

Tangina We've been over this!

Diane But she'll never come to you! Let me go in!

Tangina But you've never done this before!

Diane Neither have you!

Tangina C'mon, Diane! This is the ghost of L Ron Hubbard here! Do you really think you're going take him on?

Diane Hmmm...wait a minute! I've got an idea...Steve, get me one of our expired credit cards! The one that you were about to cut up the other day.

Steve Huh? What for?

Diane JUST GET IT FOR ME YOU BOZO! Our daughter's about to enter the afterlife!

Steve Okay okay...[comes back with credit card] Here you go.

Diane Keep it with you. You'll need it. [Ties rope around waist] Hold on, Steve! Don't you let go!

Steve Of course not, my preciouss!

Diane gives him a weird look, then goes into the fridge and disappears in the light. They all wait for several minutes in agonized silence, when suddenly a voice is heard:

Voice WHO ENTERS MY DOMAIN?

Diane One who will have your allegiance! Wait a minute...no, one who seeks her daughter!

Voice (King of the Dead from Return of the King) The Dead do not suffer the living to pass!

Diane You will suffer me! And stop with your phony LOTR getup, I know who you really are, Mr Hubbard!

L Ron Hubbard Shit, how'd you know it was me??

Diane C'mon, do you think I'm an idiot?

Hubbard Damn. Oh well...GO AND GET HER, MY MINIONS!

Steve NOO!

Tangina Wait! No panicking! I know how to deal with these guys! [Cups hands to mouth] RUN TO THE LIGHT, CHILDREN! THERE IS PEACE AND SERENITY IN THE LIGHT!

Hubbard NOO! DON'T LISTEN TO HER! ATTACK!

Voice of Lisa McPherson Just one minute! Hold it everybody! What are we doing, fighting for this guy? His religion caused our agonizing deaths!

Other voices Hey, yeah! That's right! You've no right to expect this of us, Hubbard! We'll serve you no more!

Tangina That's it, Children! Block your ears to him! He is a liar, thief and all-around scoundrel! RUN TO THE LIGHT!

Redneck Ghost 3  This light sure is cool!

Redneck Ghost 1 Reminds me of the lights at a travelling fair mah Poppa took mah to when I was just a little kid.

Redneck Ghost 5  Look here! There’s a tunnel running right to the light.

Redneck Ghost 2  I think it's like a Helter Skelter.

Redneck Ghost 4  No, it's more like a Tunnel of love.

Woman Redneck Ghost  Will you come with me into the Tunnel of love, Dave?

Redneck Ghost 4 (Dave)  (To the other Rednecks) Why didn’t you do anything about it when Ruthie damm well shot me?

Redneck Ghost 2  We did something.

Redneck Ghost 3  Haven’t you noticed, Ruthie’s dead as well?

Dave Why the **** did you shoot me, Ruthie?

Woman Redneck Ghost (Ruthie)  Why the **** did I see you with that other woman?

Dave  Will you forgive me, Ruthie?

Ruthie  I’ll forgive you now that you’re dead.

Dave and Ruthie kiss with Earthly passion Unearthly passion, Dave breaks off abruptly and wipes his mouth.

Dave In the name of all that’s Holy I shouldn’t be kissing a woman murderer. Now how about that tunnel?

Redneck Ghost 3 There sure was a tunnel at that fairground too! Mah brothers and me used to ride down it, Whoosh! We just loved that.

Redneck Ghost 2 Do we get in the tunnel head first of feet first?

Tangina  You get in whichever way is cool for you. You just be good little ghosties and get into that tunnel.

Redneck Ghost 3  Did you notice? Dave and Ruthie got in the tunnel together.

Redneck Ghost 5  You’d have thought they’d have knowed better after that little bit of a fatal misunderstanding.

Redneck Ghost 1 Some folk never learn.

Redneck Ghost 3 And they can’t do very much together anyway, remember we’re ghosts we haven’t got proper bodies.

The Rednecks are heard from the tunnel shouting stuff like, “Yippee!“ and, “I love this tunnel!”

Lisa McPherson Before I go, there's one thing I'd like to do...

Loud "BIFF" is heard, followed by a yell and groan from Hubbard.

McPherson FUCK YOU, HUBBARD!

Loud whooshing and a wind blows from the fridge, and voices are no more.

Steve Oh no! Diane and Carol Ann might have gone with them! NOOOO!! [Yanks on rope]

Tangina Not yet, Steve! NOT YET!

Suddenly a giant, horrendous head bursts out of the fridge and roars at Steve.

Steve AAAUGH! It looks like MICHAEL JACKSON! Michael Jackson's one of the spirits Hubbard was using!

Michael Jackson Look at me! I'm a child! SHIMONA

Tangina Oh no! Hubbard had one last secret weapon! Michael Jackson's denial!

Steve What'll we do??

Tangina Mr. Jackson, please stop this silliness! Everybody loves you as a black man! Stop trying to be a little white girl!

Jackson You...ya really think so?

Tangina Of course! I was a big fan of yours when you still looked halfway decent! I have all your albums from the eighties and nineties! I practically memorized them!

Jackson [with a tear in his eye] I can't believe it! It's so...so sweeeet! I'm touched! Really!

Jackson cries with happiness and disappears back into the fridge.

Hubbard NOOOOO! FUCK YOU ALL! YOU'VE DESTROYED ME!

Hubbard's head suddenly bursts through the fridge and roars at them.

Steve Oh no! What'll we do??

Tangina Steve...the credit card!

Steve Huh?

Tangina GIVE HIM THE F***ING CREDIT CARD, STEVE!

Steve AHA! I see now! [holds up credit card] Here ya go, Ronnie!

Monstrous head examines credit card, then gives an evil grin and grabs it with mouth and disappears back into fridge. Suddenly Ryan shouts from the bathroom.

Ryan They're here! They've come back!

Suddenly there is a scream of rage from the fridge as Hubbard realizes the credit card was expired.

Oda Mae Quick! Shut the door!

Steve slams the door shut and the voice is cut off. He runs to the bathroom and sees Ryan pulling a brown slime-covered Diane and Carol Ann out of the toilet.

Steve Eeew...YECH!

Oda Mae Quick, get them into the tub!

Steve No way! I don't want that shit in the bathtub, for Christ's sake! Hose 'em off outside.

Diane and Carol Ann are hauled outside and given a good hose-down with ice-cold water by Steve.

Diane [gasping and coughing] What the f**** are you doing, you prick?!

Steve Well what did you think I was going to do, put you in the bathtub? You're all covered in brown shit!

Diane Oh yes, I keep forgetting how much more important the clenliness of the tub is than me.

Steve Besides, the cold water revived you!

Diane and Steve suddenly realize Carol Ann is still unconscious.

Steve and Diane together CAROL ANN!!!!

Steve starts spraying Carol Ann but she doesn't wake up.

Steve C'mon, C'MON! WAKE UP! WAKE UP YOU LITTLE...

Carol Ann What the hell? Where the f*** am I??

Diane Oh my darling, I'm so glad you're back!

Carol Ann What? Back from where? I never left!

Steve You were lost in the spirit world! We thought you'd never make it out!

Carol Ann Oh really? I thought Tom Cruise had broken into our house. I like the spirit world thing better though!

Back inside the house

Tangina [primping and preening in front of Oda Mae's camera] This house is clean! And this body is HOT!

Oda Mae Oh for Christ's sake, you're out of your mind.

Tangina SILENCE! How dare you question the hotness of the body of a professional psychic! How else do you think I persuade invading poltergeists and spirits to leave houses?

Oda Mae They flee in horror.

Tangina [sputtering and fuming] See if I ever help you turdballs out again!

Oda Mae Oh you will, because you still owe me for all those six-packs!