Talk:Vortex

Pivorod,

You definitely have significant room for improvement on this work. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but here's a few pointers:


 * 1) Your English needs significant improvement. The grammar/mechanics are consistently weak, and punctuation is also missing quite often.
 * 2) Proofread! Get yourself a beta--someone who will take a look at your work before you post. That will help improve the work overall.
 * 3) I think some work on story flow would be beneficial. It's quite jumpy, what with Mr. and Dr. Vortex ruining camp and all, and they both seem childish.
 * 4) Dialogue is a bit confusing. I don't know whether the girl is called Angel or Faith, and whether the protagonist is called Angel or Faith. Try putting a character's words on the same line on which you mention the character.
 * 5) What are your characters experiencing? Describe, create imagery, etc. You did a fine job at the beginning with the protagonist's rant--it was really moving--but you should make it consistent too.

Hope that helps improve your writing,

16:01, 26 December 2007 (UTC)