Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring Spoof

'''This script is in progress. Please do not make any changes to it.'''

Darkness.

Fade into title.

Voice of Galadriel: I can feel it in the air, the water, the... wait, that’s not the way to do it! Ah, let’s just skip this whole part about where the ring goes.

Voice of Elrond: You can’t do that!

Voice of Galadriel: Oh yes I can.

Fade into the Shire where Frodo is reading law books and sitting against a tree.

Frodo turns his head as he hears Gandalf humming “Row Row Row your Boat.”

Frodo leaps up and smiles. He runs to Gandalf, who is riding in his cart.

Frodo: You’re late.

Gandalf (looking up from the cart): A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to! Actually, you’re right. I am late.

(long pause)

Frodo smiles and laughs and Gandalf joins in the laughing. Frodo jumps onto Gandalf.

Gandalf: ACK! My back! Just kidding.

Frodo: It’s wonderful to see you Gandalf!

Gandalf: I would never miss Bilbo’s birthday party!

Frodo: But you missed the last eight ones. Gandalf: Oh. Yeah.

Cut to scene of Frodo and Gandalf riding on cart through the Shire.

Gandalf: So how is the old rascal?

Frodo: He’s gettin’ old.

Gandalf: Well duh! He’s one hundred and eleven years old! Ya gotta expect him to be a dried-up old prune by this time.

Show scene of little hobbit kids running after cart shouting about Gandalf. Show the hobbit kids sighing and stop chasing the cart. They scream with joy and delight when Gandalf’s cart releases a bunch of fireworks. Gandalf and Frodo laugh. The cart pulls into the Bag End parking lot.

Frodo (hopping off cart): I’m glad you’re here, Gandalf.

Gandalf: So am I, dear boy! So am I.

Gandalf walks in gate of Bag End, which reads: “No Admittance Except on Party Business or When Giving Away Sweet Pastries.” Gandalf knocks on door.

Voice of Bilbo from inside house: No thank you! I won’t have any more visitors or relatives!

Gandalf: I’m Gandalf, a very old friend, but I’ll just leave now.

Bilbo (opening the door): Gandalf?

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo: Oh, Gandalf!

Gandalf and Bilbo hug.

Gandalf (looking at Bilbo): You haven’t aged a day! Ha ha! No, you’re older than dirt.

Bilbo: Come in! Come in! Would you like something to eat? I’ve got some “Gagrat’s Orc Rum,” if you want to drink something.

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.

Gandalf turns and bumps into a chandelier. It falls to the floor and smashes. Gandalf turns again and whacks his head on the roof.

Gandalf: OH! (curses obscenely)

Bilbo: What’s that you say? Never mind, you’re tea’s almost ready! Do you want some of this old bread?

Gandalf looks at some maps on the table. Bilbo walks into the doorway and finds that Gandalf has disappeared.

Bilbo: I could get you some smelly old cheese if you’d li... Gandalf?

(pause)

Gandalf appears behind Bilbo.

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.

Bilbo: All right.

Bilbo (stuffing food into his mouth): You don’t want some food, do ye?

Gandalf: No, no.

Voices and knocking noises come from the door and Bilbo backs against the wall.

Bilbo: It’s the Sackville Bagginses. They’re gonna kill me for living this long! I’ve had enough of these pesky relatives hanging on the door! I want to see mountains again, mountains, Gandalf, and volcanoes, and then find somewhere noisy where I can finish my book.

Gandalf: I think you’ve played enough with that stupid book.

Bilbo: Not quite. I feel... old.

Gandalf: You are old.

Bilbo: Rub it in! I feel like bread stretched over too much butter... no, butter scraped over too much bread! Or is it... nah.

Switch to night scene of Gandalf and Bilbo smoking pipes. Bilbo blows a perfect sphere cloud of smoke and lets it float. Gandalf blows a smoke cloud shaped like a missile. It shoots toward the sphere and blows it up.

Bilbo: Gandalf, my friend... this will be a night to remember.

Quickly cut to scene of Gandalf blasting fireworks at the party. People dance and scream and laugh. Show scene of Rosie dancing. Show Sam at table looking at her and slowly looking back at his ale.

Frodo: Come on Sam! Go ask Rosie for a dance!

Sam (sighing): I think I’ll just have another ale.

Frodo: Oh no you don’t!

Frodo grabs Sam by the arm and flings him over to Rosie. He starts dancing with her clumsily.

Cut to scene of Merry and Pippin at the back of Gandalf’s cart. Pippin jumps onto the pile of fireworks in the cart and starts rooting through them.

Merry: No, no, the big one! The big one!

Pippin grabs a rocket shaped like a weasel. Merry and Pippin run into a tent and light the fuse on the rocket.

Merry: You’re supposed to stick it in the ground!

Pippin: It is in the ground! Oops, no it isn’t.

Merry: You idiot!

Show scene of tent exploding and rocket lifting up the tent roof and ripping through it. The rocket explodes and a fiery weasel flies out of it. The weasel flies over the hobbits in the crowd and they scream and run. Tables tip over and people crouch down.

Frodo: Bilbo! Look out! There’s a weasel!

Bilbo: Weasel? Nonsense; there hasn’t been a weasel in this place since...

Frodo pushes Bilbo to the ground and the weasel flies overhead. The hobbits look up and see the weasel shrink and then explode. The hobbits cheer.

Pippin: That sucked.

Merry: Yeah, we better get a bigger one.

Gandalf picks up Merry and Pippin by the ears and they scream.

Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. I should have known.

Switch to scene of Merry and Pippin shovelling pig poo.

Bilbo: Speech!

Hobbits: Speech! Speech!

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses, and Proudfoots.

Hobbit in the crowd with his feet on a table: Proud feet!

Bilbo: And my dear Fatheads.

Hobbit in crowd with metal support rods on his shoulders to hold up his huge head: Fat heads!

Bilbo: As you should know, unless you’re a dimwit, today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!

Hobbit in crowd (raising his hand): I’m a dimwit!

Bilbo: Obviously. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Cut to crowd of hobbits looking at each other with puzzled looks.

Bilbo: And I don’t like more than half of you half as well as you deserve, and I like the other half of you much more than you deserve to be liked.

Hobbits look around, frowning.

Bilbo: I’m old now, and I should be gone. So here I go. Bye-bye. Tootle-oo. Adios. Au revoir. So long. See you in Hell.

Bilbo disappears. Show hobbits gasping and looking around. Show nothingness walk up the Bag End sidewalk. The door opens. Inside, Bilbo reappears and flips the Ring with his thumb. He walks into the living room and Gandalf is standing behind him.

Gandalf: I suppose you think that is terribly funny.

Bilbo (quickly looking at Gandalf): Yeah!

Gandalf: There are many magic rings in this world, and none of them should be used for fun.

Bilbo: Huh?

Gandalf: You are leaving the Ring to Frodo, aren’t you?

Bilbo: Yes, it’s right on the mantelpiece. Wait... no, it’s here in my pocket. How stupid of me.

(pause)

Bilbo: Then again, why shouldn’t I keep it?

Gandalf: You must leave it.

Bilbo: I found, it’s mine, it came to ME!

Gandalf: Well there’s no need to get angry.

Bilbo: Well, if I’m angry it’s your fault! It’s mine, my own... my precious.

Gandalf: It’s been called that before, but not by you.

Bilbo: Duh! You should know that!

Show room get dark and Gandalf grow tall.

Gandalf (in a menacing voice): BILBO FREDERICK BAGGINS! You will give that ring to Frodo or you won’t like what happens next!!

Bilbo: All right all right. But my middle name isn’t Frederick. It’s Clarence... I think.

Bilbo puts his coat on and grabs his walking stick. He makes for the door.

Gandalf: Bilbo...

Bilbo: Hmm?

Gandalf: The Ring is still in your pocket.

Bilbo: Oh yes...

Bilbo takes the Ring out of his pocket and slowly tips his hand. Suspense music plays. The music stops and the Ring falls to the floor, rolls around, and falls into the furnace.

Bilbo (pulling the furnace cover off and picking the Ring out): Darn it!

Bilbo puts the Ring on the floor.

Bilbo: I just thought up an ending for my book.

Gandalf: And what is that?

Bilbo: “And he lived happily ever after... until he snuffed it.”

Gandalf: And I’m sure you will.

Bilbo: You really think I’ll live happily ever after?

Gandalf: No, I’m sure you’ll snuff it.

Bilbo (mumbling and going out the door): Stupid moron.

Show Gandalf kneeling down to the Ring and touching it. The Eye of Sauron flashes across the screen.

Sauron: BOO!

Gandalf recoils in horror.

Show Gandalf sitting in front of Bilbo’s fireplace and mumbling “precious.” Silhouette of Frodo comes in the door.

Frodo: Bilbo? Bil...

Frodo kneels down and picks up the Ring.

Frodo (walking up to Gandalf): He’s left, hasn’t he? He talked so long about leaving... I didn’t think he’d really do it.

Gandalf: And he’ll snuff it, too.

Frodo: That’s really nice, Gandalf. Been watching the Action channel lately?

Gandalf: No, my satellite dish broke on Thursday.

Frodo: Pity.

Gandalf: Yes. My satellite dish doesn’t work, Bilbo has left, and Bilbo will snuff it. But he’s left you Bag End... and the Ring.

Frodo: Hooray!!

Cut to scene of Gandalf riding a horse to Minas Tirith. He walks through a hallway and comes to a dusty study room.

Gandalf (sitting down and shuffling through papers): Precious. Precious. Ah... the year 3434. “It is precious to me...”

Cut to ringwraiths riding through the night. Show guard hobbit with lantern.

Guard hobbit: Who’s there?

Show ringwraith pull out sword and spamerize guard.

Cut to Frodo walking into Bag End. He walks in. Inside it is dark and drafty. Frodo slowly walks into the living room. A hand reaches out of the darkness and grabs Frodo. Frodo gasps and whirls around. Gandalf is standing behind him.

Gandalf: BOO! Is it secret? Is it safe?

Cut to Frodo rooting through a file cabinet and pulls out an envelope. He gives it to Gandalf, who throws it in the fire. The envelope burns up.

Frodo: Whoops. That was my Visa bill.

Gandalf (sighing): I want the Ring.

Frodo takes out another envelope and gives it to Gandalf. Gandalf throws it in the fire. The envelope burns up to reveal the Ring.

Gandalf: You told no one about the Ring, did you?

Frodo: Nope! Do I get a cookie?

Gandalf: I heard through the grape vine that the creature Gollum was tortured in Mordor. Orcs questioned him about the Ring. They squeezed three steaming words out of Gollum: Shire. Baggins.

Frodo: That’s two words.

Gandalf: Whatever.

Frodo: Shire... Baggins! But that will lead them to the Shire! And to Baggins...

Gandalf: Good job, Einstein.

Frodo: Oh my god! The Ring cannot stay in the Shire!

Gandalf: Yes, that’s quite obvious. You must take the Ring away from here. Take it to Bree. I will be there. But in the meantime, I have business to do.

Frodo: Number one or number two?

Gandalf: What?

The bushes rustle outside the window.

Gandalf: Get down!

Frodo crouches onto the floor. Gandalf slowly walks up to the window and reaches his staff inside the bush and whacks.

Sam: OW! What the...

Gandalf pulls Sam out of the bush and throws him onto a table.

Gandalf: SAMWISE GAMGEE! How much did you hear!?

(pause)

Gandalf: SPEAK!

Sam: Nothin’ sir, except something about a Ring and a Gullom. No, Gollum. Yeah. But please don’t shred me or dice me or anythin’ nasty!

Gandalf looks at Frodo.

Gandalf: No, Sam. I have a better use for you. And Frodo, you can get off the floor now.

Cut to scene of Gandalf, Frodo, and Sam walking on a path with a horse.

Gandalf: Come on, Samwise! Hurry up, you slug!

Show Gandalf on horse in forest with Sam and Frodo.

Gandalf: I have business with someone, so I’m dumping you. Goodbye.

Frodo: Business with someone? Number one or number two?

Gandalf: What? HEY! That’s sick!

Gandalf rides off on his horse and leaves Sam and Frodo standing there.

Sam: We best get going, Mr. Frodo.

Cut to scene of Sam and Frodo walk through a field. Frodo keeps walking, but Sam stops. Frodo stops and looks behind him.

Sam: If I take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home I’ve ever been.

Frodo: So?

Sam walks up to Frodo.

Frodo: You know what Bilbo always says, Sam. If you sweep your step off your door... no, if you swept off step your... door... ahckk! I can’t remember what he said.

Cut to scene of Gandalf riding his horse up to Isengard.

Voice of Saruman: Gandalf the Grey rides to my tower to bug me or something...

Gandalf (bowing): Saruman.

Saruman: Is that not why you are here, Gandalf?

Gandalf: It’s even better than that!

Cut to scene of Gandalf and Saruman in Saruman’s study.

Gandalf: The Ring-bearer has gone to Bree, for I fear the Nazgul are looking for him.

Saruman: Gone to brie? Wha... but... that’s a cheese.

Gandalf: The town Bree, you stupid butthole!

Saruman: Oh. They will only go to Bree. They will find him.

Gandalf: Geez, you’re a pessimist!

Saruman: It is true. The Great Eye sees all!

Gandalf: How do you know all this?

Saruman: I’m not stupid. Besides, I have seen it.

Cut to Gandalf and Saruman walking into the main Isengard room. There is a stone table with a cloth over it. There is a lump under the cloth. Saruman lifts the cloth off to reveal a nice big ham roast.

Gandalf: But a ham roast is a very dangerous thing! You will get fat and stupid if you eat it!

Saruman: Oops! Wrong altar!

Saruman walks over to another stone table and pulls the cloth off the top to reveal a Palantir.

Gandalf: But a Palantir is a very dangerous thing! You will get evil and corrupt if you use it!

Saruman: Well what am I going to do then? Use a tennis ball?

Gandalf flings the cloth back over the Palantir. The Eye of Sauron flashes across the screen.

Saruman: You do not think that one hobbit can overcome the might of Sauron, do you Gandalf?

(pause)

Saruman: The Nazgul will find the Ring... and kill the one who carries it. We cannot overcome the forces of Mordor, Gandalf... we must join Sauron!

Gandalf: You suck a lot! I have a question: How come you suck so much!?

Saruman blasts his staff power at Gandalf. Gandalf flies over and hits the wall. Gandalf pulls out his staff and uses its power to throw Saruman into the air. Saruman falls back to the floor and blasts Gandalf. Gandalf spins around on the floor and flies up and up and up until he hits the roof. Quickly cut to Sam walking alone through a path in a field of tall corn. He stops and looks around.

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

(pause)

Sam (gasping): Mr. Frodo!

Frodo appears in a turn in the path.

Sam: Frodo! Oh, I thought I’d lost you!

Frodo: You worry about me too much, Sam. What am I gonna do, snuff it?

Sam: Yeah...

Frodo (laughing): Don’t worry about me, Sam. We’re still in the Shire. What can happen to us here?

Merry and Pippin jump out of the corn and fall on top of Sam and Frodo.

Pippin (looking at Frodo): Frodo! Merry, it’s Frodo!

Merry (getting off Sam): Hello, Frodo!

Sam (pulling Pippin off of Frodo): Get off, ya lousy chunk of...

Dogs bark in field and Farmer Maggot shouts at the hobbits to get out of his field. Pippin has an armful of veggies. He runs away with Frodo and Merry and puts the veggies in Sam’s arms. Sam looks at the veggies and runs away, eating as much as his fat little hands can manage. The four hobbits run and run until Merry gets to a steep hill. He quickly stops and the rest of the hobbits crash into him, sending them all rolling down the hill. They stop at the bottom of the hill were there is a road. Pippin has his face stuck in a pile of horse dung.

Merry: Ohh, I think I’ve broken something... oh!

Merry pulls out a snapped carrot from his pocket.

Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took...

Merry: Oh, suck it up, Sam. That was just a detour. A shortcut.

Sam: Shortcut to what!?

Pippin: Mushrooms!

All the hobbits except Frodo start picking from a patch of mushrooms, stuffing their faces as fast as their fat little hands can manage. Frodo looks down the road.

Frodo: Car!

The hobbits get off the road as a car drives past. They go back to picking mushrooms on the road.

Frodo (looking down the road): I think we should get off the road.

The other hobbits ignore him. Show the road shrink eerily in front of Frodo. Scary music plays.

Frodo: GET OFF THE ROAD! There’s freaky music playing!

The hobbits run into the forest. They hide in a hole under a tree root. Show a ringwraith walk up on a horse and get off. The ringwraith crouches down and puts its hands on the root. It sniffs and sneezes. Show centipedes, worms, and spiders crawling out of the dirt and climb over the hobbits. Scary music plays. Merry pulls out the bag of mushrooms and throws it into the bush. The Nazgul screeches and runs over into the bush. The hobbits make a break for it. Cut to night scene of hobbits running through the forest.

Merry: That thing was looking for something... Frodo?

(pause)

The Nazgul jumps out from behind some bushes and chases the hobbits. They run under the Nazgul’s horse and try to escape. They hide under a bush as the ringwraith looks around.

Frodo: Sam and I need to get to Bree...

Merry: All right! I like brie!

Frodo: The town Bree, you idiot.

Merry: Okay.

(pause)

Merry: Bucklebury Ferry. Follow me!

The hobbits run to a dock where a large car ferry is waiting. Merry, Pippin, and Sam jump on. The ferry blows its horn and begins to cross the river. Frodo runs and runs as the ringwraith chases him. Frodo jumps off the dock and over the water. He slams down on top of a car on the ferry and the Nazgul slides to a stop. It screeches and rides back to land, where four more of the Nazgul join it. A ferry manager walks up to the four hobbits. Frodo pulls out a ticket and gives it to the manager.

Manager: Four foot passengers. Where to?

Frodo: We’re going to Bree.

Cut to scene of the four hobbits with their rain hoods up and it is raining. They come to the wooden wall of Bree and knock. An old man opens a small hatch in the wall. He looks around and shuts the hatch. He then opens another hatch lower down.

Gatekeeper: Whaddaya want?

Frodo: Our business is our own.

Gatekeeper: Hobbits have to answer a few questions before entering.

Frodo: All right, but we haven’t much time.

Gatekeeper: What are your names?

Frodo: I’m Frodo Baggins.

Sam: I’m Samwise Gamgee.

Merry: He’s Peregrin Took.

Pippin: And he’s Meriadoc Brandybuck.

Gatekeeper: What is yer quest?

Frodo: We wish to stay at the inn.

Gatekeeper: What is your favourite colour?

Frodo: Uh... blue.

Pippin: Green.

Sam: Purple.

Merry: Chinese burgundy.

Gatekeeper: Why the heck do ye like Chinese burgundy?

Merry: Mind your own business.

Gatekeeper: I said why the heck do ye like Chinese burgundy?

Merry: Just ‘cause.

Gatekeeper: Okay... why the heck do ye want to stay at the inn?

Sam: Our business is our own, remember?

Gatekeeper: I said why the heck do ye want to stay at the inn?

Frodo: We’re here to meet a friend.

Gatekeeper: Who’s the friend?

Merry: Stop being so nosy.

Gatekeeper: I said WHO’S THE FRIEND?

Pippin: Uh, he’s called “Drumbag Biddlewheeze.”

Gatekeeper: Is he another hobbit?

Pippin: Yeah, he is.

Gatekeeper: What are ye meeting him for?

Sam: That’s private.

Gatekeeper: I asked you what are ye meeting him for?

Frodo: We can’t tell you that.

Gatekeeper: I’m going to have to ask you to leave...

Frodo: But...

The hobbits hear a Nazgul scream in the forest a ways away.

Frodo: You must let us in! We’re being chased!

A man walks up to the gatekeeper.

Man: What’re ya doin’!? Let them in, ya scurvy bag o’ lard!

The gatekeeper opens the door and lets the hobbits in. They walk through Bree and walk into “The Prancing Porcupine.” Inside, they walk to the front desk.

Manager: Whassup, hobbits? Ya want some wicked hobbit cribs? Or do ya just wanna dig the party? What’s yer name, eh?

Frodo: I’m...

(pause)

Frodo: My name is Loretta, and these are my minions. We’re looking for Gandalf the Grey, could you tell him we’ve arrived?

Manager: Gandalf? Gandalf... OH YES Gandalf old dude, grey beard, pointy hat! Ain’t seen ‘im fer six months!

Show hobbits looking dismayed. The hobbits sit down at a table and have some ale. Merry comes to the table from the counter and sits down with a large mug full of ale.

Pippin: What’s that!?

Merry: This, my idiot friend, is a kilolitre.

Pippin: They come in kilolitres!? I’m getting one!

Sam: You’ve had a whole half already!

Sam looks at Frodo and gestures to a man sitting in the corner of the room with a hood casting a shadow over his face. He is smoking a pipe.

Sam: That man’s been nothing but looking at us for the last eight hours.

Frodo: But we’ve only been here fifteen minutes.

Sam: Geez, I’m bored.

The manager walks by carrying two mugs.

Frodo: Excuse me? Who’s that man over in the corner?

Manager: ‘E’s one o’ them rangers. Dangerous dudes, they are, wanderin’ the wild. Best watch out for ‘im.

Frodo hears Pippin talking about him to other people in the bar. Frodo runs over to Pippin.

Pippin: ...Frodo Baggins. He’s over there. He’s my third cousin eighteen times removed on my mother’s side. Or something like that.

Frodo: You’re not supposed to tell anyone my real name!

Frodo grabs Pippin, who drops his ale. Frodo slips on the ale and lets go of Pippin. Frodo falls to the floor and the Ring flies out of his pocket. The ranger in the corner of the room sits up, and the Ring falls onto Frodo’s finger when he tries to catch it. Frodo disappears. Show Frodo’s view of the people around him as dark, wispy shapes. The crowd of people parts to reveal the Eye of Sauron.

Sauron: I SEE YOU... GIVE ME A HUG! HEHEH HEH HEEH!

Show Frodo pulling the ring off his finger. He reappears in the Prancing Porcupine. He sighs and the ranger grabs him and drags him to a bedroom upstairs.

Ranger: I suppose you think that is terribly funny.

Frodo: No way! That sucked worse than something that sucks a lot!

Ranger: Call me Strider. Are you frightened?

Frodo: Heck yes! I nearly crapped myself!

Ranger: Not nearly enough. I know what hunts you.

Frodo: So do I.

Ranger (now called Strider): Don’t talk back to me, young man!

Strider flips his hood back. The bedroom door smashes down and the other hobbits come in. Sam is holding his fists up, Pippin is holding a chair, and Merry is holding an AK-47.

Sam: Give Frodo back or I’ll dent your skull!

Frodo: Sam! I thought that I had a non-bloodthirsty best friend!

Cut to scene of the Nazgul riding to Bree. The gatekeeper opens the hatch. His eyes grow wide and the Ringwraiths bust down the wall, which flattens the gatekeeper like a bug on a windshield. Show the hobbits sleeping in Bree in a bedroom and the Nazgul walking in. They lift their swords and stab the beds. Frodo wakes up from his dream and hears screeching outside. Strider is sitting by the window, watching the Nazgul ride around.

Frodo: What are they?

Strider: They are the Nazgul. Ringwraiths. They were once men, each given rings of power... now they are neither living nor dead, and... neither living nor dead!? That can’t b right... can it? Hmm.

Cut to scene of Strider and the four hobbits walking through a snowy forest.

Sam (to Frodo): I just don’t trust this ranger guy. He’s big, he’s got a beard, and he doesn’t smell too dandy, either.

Strider glares at Sam.

Sam: Where’s he leadin’ us?

Strider: To Rivendell, Master Gamgee. To the house of Elrond.

Sam: Totally awesome! We’re going to see the elves!

Switch to scene of bushy area and the hobbits settling down for a meal. Strider turns around.

Strider: Gentlemen. We do not stop until nightfall.

Pippin: Well what about breakfast?

Strider: We’ve already had it.

Pippin: We’ve had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?

Strider stares incredulously at Pippin and starts walking again.

Merry: I don’t think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.

Pippin: Very funny.

Merry: No, really.

Pippin: What? What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? Uber-supper? Ultra-uber-super-supper? He knows about them, doesn’t he?

Merry: I wouldn’t count on it.

An apple thrown by Strider (now called Aragorn) flies out from behind a bush. Merry catches it and gives it to Pippin. Another apple flies out from behind the bush and hits Pippin in the head. Pippin’s eyes start rolling and he falls down on the ground.

Cut to scene of Aragorn (with Pippin on his shoulder, drooling down his back) and the hobbits walking through a muddy marsh. Merry slaps at a swarm of flies all over his face.

Merry: What do they eat when they can’t get hobbits?

Show a night scene in the marsh and Aragorn carrying a dead deer to a campfire where the hobbits are sitting.

Aragorn (singing): We’re gonna go huntin’, we’re gonna kill somethin’, I don’t care what it is, maybe a racoon, maybe a gopher, or maybe the neighbour’s kids!

Pippin (looking at the deer): Ewww...

Cut to scene of all the hobbits sleeping in the marsh. Aragorn is quietly singing in Elvish. Frodo wakes up.

Frodo: Who is she? This woman you sing of?

Aragorn: ‘Tis the lady of Lúthien. The Elf-maiden who gave her love to Beren, a mortal.

Frodo: Sounds like a real nutcase...

Aragorn (shouting): GET THE H#!! BACK TO SLEEP, FRODO!

Frodo (mumbling): What a git...

Cut to scene of Saruman with his hand above the Palantir.

Saruman: The power of Isengard is at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Earth.

Sauron’s voice: I want the ham.

Saruman: No. That’s my ham.

Sauron’ voice: Give me the ham or I shall smite you!

Saruman: Okay fine, I’ll have it couriered over.

Sauron’s voice: Build me an army worthy of Mordor.

Cut to scene of Saruman sitting in his study. Orcs come in.

Orc: What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the eye command?

Saruman: We have a lot of stuff to do!

Cut to scene of orcs ripping down trees around Isengard.

Orc: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep.

Saruman: Aww, poor baby! Rip them all down, you miserable muttering moron!

Orc: Grrr...

Cut to scene of Aragorn walking up a hill. There is a tall round plateau with rocky ruins on top.

Aragorn: This was the great watchtower of Amon Sûl.

Merry: A real fixer-upper.

Aragorn: We shall rest here tonight.

Cut to scene of the hobbits and Aragorn in the watchtower. Aragorn opens a bundle of four swords. He gives them to the hobbits.

Aragorn: These are for you. Keep them close. I’m going to have a look around.

Frodo (looking at his sword): Cool...

Aragorn: Stay here.

Cut to scene of Frodo sleeping. He hears the other hobbit’s voices.

Pippin’s voice: My tomato’s burst.

Merry’s voice: Well duh, you stabbed it with your sword.

Sam’s voice: Could I have some bacon?

Pippin: Ultra-fat or mega-fat?

Merry’s voice: Want a tomato, Sam?

Frodo gets up and looks at the other hobbits. They have a fire going and are cooking food.

Frodo: What the devil are you doing?!

Merry: Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy ultra-fat and mega-fat bacon.

Sam: We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo (waving his cape through the fire to put it out): Put it out, you totally ridiculous idiotic fools! Put it out!!

Show scene of the watchtower from far away. There is a small light where the fire is. It goes out. The hobbits voices echo loudly from the watchtower.

Pippin’s voice: Oh, that’s nice! Ash on my tomatoes!

The Ringwraith’s screams start echoing all around. Show the hobbits look down from the tower. Five Ringwraiths ride through the mist on the ground. The hobbits pull out their swords.

Frodo (to the other hobbits): Go!

The hobbits run up stairs to the top of the tower. Scary music plays. The hobbits look all around them. The five Nazgul slowly walk up to where the hobbits are. They take out their swords and point them at the hobbits. Sam jumps forward and starts clanking swords with a Nazgul.

Sam: Back, you devils!

The Nazgul quickly shoves Sam aside and then pushes Merry and Pippin out of the way. They then start heading for Frodo. Frodo backs away and drops his sword. He falls on the ground. Sauron’s voice whispers to Frodo. Frodo takes out the Ring. The Nazgul all look at it and walk toward it. They raise their swords to stab Frodo. Frodo puts the Ring on and disappears. All the Ringwraiths turn white and wispy. The Witch-King reaches forward for the Ring. Frodo pulls it away and the Witch-King stabs him. Frodo screams in pain. Then Aragorn comes with a sword and a torch and begins fighting the Nazgul. Frodo pulls the Ring off and shouts in pain again.

Sam: Oh, mister Frodo!

Frodo: Sam! This is it! I’m dying, Sam! Eat my body! But please, if you ever make it back, recycle this for me!

Frodo hands Sam a Coke bottle.

Sam: I swear, I will!

Frodo: Actually, no, I’m not dying at the moment. But I think I need a Band-Aid!

Aragorn continues to fight the Nazgul. He scares off four of them and then throws his torch into the Witch-King’s face. The Witch-King screams and runs away, flaming.

Witch-King: Auugh! Hot damn! Hot damn! Oi! This’ll destroy my beautiful ivory complexion!

Aragorn runs to Frodo.

Sam: Help him, Strider!

Aragorn: He’s been stabbed by a Morgul blade. This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine and some Tylenol pain killers, maybe even morphine.

Cut to scene of Aragorn holding Frodo over his shoulder (Frodo is drooling down Aragorn’s back) and the other hobbits running behind.

Aragorn: Dang, I’ve probably got a ton of drool on my back by now.

Sam: We’re six days from Rivendell! He’ll never make it!

Aragorn: If he keeps salivating like this, you’re right.

Frodo (with his eyes closed): Gandalf! Blllruuugh.

Cut to scene of the wall around Isengard. Orcs are wandering along it. Camera flies over large pits where orcs are working. Show Gandalf standing on top of Isengard. A moth flies up to him and Gandalf grabs it with his hand, forming a cage. He holds his hand close to his mouth and accidentally inhales the moth. Another moth flies towards Gandalf. A bat swoops right in front of Gandalf and eats the moth.

Gandalf: Dang it!

Another moth comes and Gandalf whispers to it and lets it go. Camera flies down to the ground beside Isengard and into a pit. Show orcs making blades and helmets and pouring molten metal into moulds. Trees fall into the pits to be burned. Cut to an orc sticking a metal bar into a large lump of moving muck. It wipes the muck away to reveal a face. An uruk-hai rises out of the muck, roaring. It grabs the orc’s throat and strangles it. Saruman watches calmly as two other orcs hide behind his back.

Orc behind Saruman: I think I’ll quit my job.

Saruman: When oliphants come outta my butt. You’ll stay here.

The uruk-hai stands up slowly. It has a huge, muscular body. Saruman smiles evilly.

Cut to scene of large stone trolls. The hobbits and Aragorn are gathered around them. Frodo is lying on the ground.

Sam: Look, Mr. Frodo. It’s Mr. Bilbo’s trolls.

Sam strokes Frodo’s forehead.

Sam: He’s going cold!

Pippin: Is he going to die?

Aragorn: Better. He’ll soon become a Wraith like them.

Frodo: Yeah!

Sam: No, Mr. Frodo. That’s a bad thing.

Frodo: Oh. ARRghhh...

Aragorn: Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?

Sam: Athelas?

Aragorn: Kingsfoil.

Sam: Is that marijuana?

Aragorn: No! It’s a plant that might help slow the poisoning. Hurry!

Sam: I’ll need a flashlight.

Pippin takes out a small flashlight and throws it to Sam.

Sam: Thanks.

Sam and Aragorn walk off into the forest. Aragorn kneels down and looks at a small plant with white flowers. He takes out his knife and starts to cut it. A curved blade comes out from behind his and is held at his nose.

Arwen’s voice: What’s this? A ranger, caught off his guard?

Aragorn (defensively): I’m not off my guard! I’m still on my guard! I’ll tell you when I get off my guard! Which is never!

Aragorn stands up and pulls out his sword. He points it at Arwen’s nose.

Aragorn: Oh. It’s just you. Heh.

Cut to scene of Frodo lying on the ground. His eyes are red and puffy. Light shines on his face. He turns to one side and sees Arwen riding to him on a white horse. Light is shining out from behind her.

Arwen: Frodo.

Arwen (in Elvish): I am Arwen. I have come to save you from a horribly painful and gruesome death, when you will slowly mutate into a wraithlike life form and descend to the 7th Circle of Hell, where you will be tortured every morning at 9:00 until 4:00, upon which you will you will be forced into a formal dinner environment, and surrounded by self-righteous defence lawyers and politicians.

Frodo groans.

Arwen (in Elvish): Hear my voice. Come back to the light.

Frodo: I can see the light! Grrggh. Ack. ARRRggg...

Frodo moans and the bright light fades away.

Merry: Who is she?

Arwen (kneeling down to Frodo): Frodo.

Sam: She’s an elf.

Arwen: He’s fading. He’s not going to last until dinner.

Aragorn licks a small bit of Kingsfoil in his hand and puts it on Frodo’s wound. Frodo gasps and groans.

Sam: Ewwww. Strider, that’s unhygienic – you could give him rabies.

Arwen: We must get him to my father.

Aragorn picks Frodo up.

Arwen: I’ve been looking for you for 23 years.

Aragorn: But we’ve only known each other for a month.

Merry: Where are you taking him?

Arwen: There are five Wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.

Aragorn (in Elvish): Stay with the hobbits. I’ll send horses for you.

Arwen (in Elvish): I’m the faster rider. I’ll take him.

Aragorn: YOU’RE the faster rider?! You couldn’t outrun a slug with Alzheimer’s.

Arwen: Well YOU wouldn’t be able to ride on a horse well even if it had a fancy Elvish saddle and it was trained by the Valar themselves!

Aragorn: I’M faster!

Arwen: No, I am!

Frodo turns to Aragorn and vomits all over his shoulder.

Aragorn: YYYEECCH! Now THAT is unhygienic! YOU take him.

Arwen climbs on her horse.

Aragorn (wiping the puke off his arm): Ride hard. Don’t look back.

Arwen rides off into the forest with Frodo on her horse.

Sam (to Aragorn, shouting): What are you doing?! Those Wraiths are still out there!

Cut to scene of Arwen riding fast through a field. She enters a pine forest and looks to her side. The Nazgul are visible through the trees, riding on their horses. They ride closer to Arwen and begin chasing her. Arwen accidentally gets slashed on the face by a tree branch.

Arwen: OWWY!

Arwen rides into a large clearing. The Nazgul ride quickly after her. Arwen rides through more forest and comes to a shallow river. She rides through the river and stops on the other side. She turns back to the Ringwraiths, which have stopped on the other side of the river.

Kamul: Give up the Halfling, She-Elf.

The last ringwraith rides up to the river.

Ringwraith: I’m gonna hurl!

The ringwraith vomits on his horse’s head.

Kamul: What’s that, motion sickness?

Arwen pulls out her blade.

Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!

The Ringwraiths scream and start riding across the river. Arwen begins saying an enchantment in Elvish. The water in the river quickly starts rising. All the Nazgul look upstream. A huge wave shaped like the heads of donkeys comes rushing down the river. It hits the Nazgul and wipes them downstream.

Ringwraith’s voice, echoing through the canyon: Oh crap, I get seasick too!

Arwen looks at Frodo, who is turning pale and is moaning. She lifts him off the horse and puts him on the ground.

Arwen: Looks like YOU need a diaper change! Oh, wait. It’s the other problem. No, no! Frodo, no! Don’t give in! Not now! Maybe later! But not right now!

Arwen’s mind (whispering): What grace is given me, let it pass to him. Let him be spared. Save him.

Fade into a faint picture of Elrond.

Elrond: Abbadabbadoo. Agoogabaggaboo. Deebagoogagoo. Afoobedoobaeegaboogeh.

Fade brightly into Frodo lying in a bed.

Frodo: Where am I?

Gandalf’s voice: Heaven. No, just kidding! You are in the house of Elrond. And it is 10:00 in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know. But all you probably care about right now is whether or not the coffee machine is still working.

Frodo: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Yes, I’m here.

Frodo: I know you are.

Gandalf: And you’re lucky to be here, too. A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid. But you have some strength in you, my dear hobbit.

Frodo tries to push himself up in bed, but falls back down, panting.

Gandalf: Or maybe you were just lucky...

Frodo: What happened, Gandalf? Why didn’t you meet us?

Gandalf: Oh I’m sorry, Frodo.

(pause)

Gandalf: I was delayed.

Cut to Saruman and Gandalf on top of Isengard.

Saruman: Will you embrace the power of the Ring, Gandalf...

Saruman uses his staff to throw Gandalf so that he has his heels on the edge of the tower and is about to fall. Saruman flings him back onto the tower.

Saruman: ...Or embrace your own destruction?!

Gandalf: Hmm, that’s sort of a rhetorical question, isn’t it? It’s obvious that I’ll do neither.

Gandalf jumps off the tower and lands on a big vulture.

Saruman (shouting): That may just be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made!

Gandalf (flying away on the vulture): Oh no, I’ve made much bigger ones! Like the time that I decided I would see what a bunch of lemon-flavoured Starbursts would taste like in coffee!

Show Gandalf flying on the vulture over a mountain range. Cut back to scene of Frodo and Gandalf in Rivendell. Gandalf has an odd look on his face.

Frodo: Gandalf? What is it?

Gandalf: Nothing, Frodo.

There is a loud scream from the doorway of the room.

Sam (hysterically): FRODO! OH MY GOD! Bless you, you’re alive! I was really worried about you, Frodo! Oh my god oh my god oh my god! I thought that ‘cause you were stabbed by a Wraith blade, you were gonna kick the bucket! But there wasn’t any bucket to kick! I thought for sure you were gonna die a gruesome, horrible, terrible, painful, hideous, excruciating, ghastly, grisly death!

Frodo stares at Sam.

(pause)

Frodo: Good to see you too, Sam.

Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you’re beginning to mend.

Elrond walks up behind Gandalf. His hands are covered in blood and he is wearing a belt with many sharp and horrid-looking medical instruments that are red and bloody. Frodo gulps.

Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins.

Show the whole of Rivendell. There is a cloaked rider on a white horse riding slowly to Rivendell. Cut to Sam and Frodo walking through Rivendell. Frodo smiles as Merry and Pippin run to him and begin hugging him and laughing. Frodo looks over to a bench and smiles. Bilbo is sitting on it, writing his book.

Frodo: Bilbo!

Bilbo: Hello, Frodo, my lad!

Frodo: I was sure you had snuffed it by now!

Cut to scene of Frodo opening Bilbo’s book.

Frodo (looking through the pages): “There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale, by Bilbo Baggins.” This is wonderful.

Bilbo: I wanted to go on an adventure again, but it seems that age has finally caught up with me.

Frodo: Yep, you sure are old.

Show Frodo walking up to Sam, who is packing his backpack.

Sam: Now, what have I forgotten?

Frodo: Packed already?

Sam: No harm in being prepared.

Frodo: I thought you wanted to see the elves.

Sam: I do.

Frodo: More than anything.

Sam: I did. It’s just... we did what Gandalf wanted us to do, didn’t we? And I thought that the way you’re mending so fast, we’d be going home by now.

Frodo: You’re right, Sam. The Ring will be safe in Rivendell. I do want to go home.

Show Gandalf and Elrond watching down on the two hobbits from a higher room.

Elrond: The Ring cannot stay in Rivendell, Gandalf.

Gandalf: Frodo has endured enough, Elrond. Let him rest. Let him sit down with an iced cappuccino or something.

Elrond: Rivendell has run short of iced capp’ mix, Gandalf. And you tell me that Saruman has betrayed us? We do not have the power to fight both Mordor and Isengard! We have bigger things to worry about than iced cappuccino. Who will help us? Dwarves? They hide in their mountains seeking riches. They care nothing for the troubles of others.

Gandalf watches as Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli come through the gates of Rivendell.

Gandalf: It is in men that we must lay our hope.

Elrond: Men?! Men are weak. And they make weak coffee, too, therefore making horrible iced cappuccinos.

Gandalf: Will you shut up about the iced cappuccinos?!

Elrond: It is because of men the Ring survives. I was there, Gandalf. I was there, 65 million years ago... when the dinosaurs became ex... I mean, 3000 years ago...

Cut to scene of Elrond fighting in a battle in Mordor. Show Isildur cutting Sauron’s finger off. The finger lands next to Isildur. Isildur picks up the finger and takes the Ring off of it. He drops the Ring and keeps the finger, looking at it with great interest. Then the finger turns to ash and he turns his attention to the Ring.

Elrond’s voice: I was there, when Isildur took the Ring... the day that the strength of men failed.

Elrond walks up to Isildur.

Elrond: Hurry! Follow me!

Cut to scene of Elrond and Isildur in the Crack of Doom.

Elrond: Cast it into the fire!

Isildur (mutters): Bully.

Isildur looks at the Ring.

Elrond: Destroy it!

Isildur (with an evil look on his face): No.

Isildur turns and walks away.

Return to scene of Gandalf and Elrond.

Elrond: There is no strength left in the world of men.

Gandalf: Aragorn’s pretty good!

Elrond: Aragorn?! He’s a freak.

Cut to scene of Aragorn sitting next to a statue that is holding the Shards of Narsil. Boromir comes in and looks at a painting of Isildur and Sauron. Boromir looks at Aragorn.

Boromir: You are no elf.

Aragorn (in a high-pitched, mocking voice): Ooo! I’m an elf! Look at my pretty pointy elf ears! Look at my pretty little wand! Look at my pretty little jar of pixie magic! Oooo! Oooooooo! Look at...

Boromir (loudly): I get it. You’re not an elf. So you’re a man.

Aragorn (in a low, mocking voice; banging his fist on the armrest of his chair): Ooooh, I’m a man. I use tools to make fire. I kill mammoths. I eat mammoths. Buuuhh.

Boromir: But you can’t be a... dwarf?

Aragorn: I am a man. Men of the South are welcome here.

Boromir: Well then who the heck are you?!

Aragorn: I am a friend of Gandalf the Grey.

Boromir: Gandalf the G-R-A-Y, or Gandalf the G-R-E-Y?

Aragorn: Huh?

Boromir: Which is it, the Canadian spelling or the American spelling?

Aragorn: Canadian.

Boromir: Oh.

Boromir picks up the hilt of Narsil.

Boromir: The Shards of Narsil. The blade that cut the Ring from Sauron’s hand.

Boromir runs his finger up the blade. He makes a small cut on the tip of his finger.

Boromir: OH MY GOD!! I’M DYING!

Boromir falls onto the floor, clutching his finger.

Boromir: IT’S GUSHING BLOOD!! AAAAACCKK!!!

Aragorn stares incredulously at Boromir.

Boromir stops screaming and then acts like nothing had happened.

Boromir: No more than a broken heirloom.

Boromir clumsily puts the blade back in the statue’s hands. It falls off and clangs on the ground. Boromir walks away.

Arwen walks in as Aragorn reverently puts the sword back on the statue.

Arwen: Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself.

Aragorn: The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness.

Cut to scene of Aragorn and Arwen standing on a narrow bridge over a stream.

Arwen (in Elvish): Do you remember when we first met?

Aragorn (in Elvish): Yeah. I was so hammered.

Arwen takes off the jewel around her neck and gives it to Aragorn.

Arwen: I choose a mortal life.

Aragorn: You cannot give me this.

Arwen: Oh yes I can.

Aragorn and Arwen start kissing really mushily and grasp each other. They kiss and kiss and gasp and fall off the bridge into the stream. There is splashing in the water as Aragorn tries to prevent himself from drowning. Cut to the Council of Elrond.

Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer to the threat of Mordor. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.

Frodo gets up from his chair and walks toward an altar. He places the Ring on it and returns to his chair.

Boromir: So it is true...

Boromir gets up from his chair and slowly walks to the Ring. He reaches out for it slowly.

Elrond: Boromir!

Gandalf begins speaking the inscription around the Ring. The sky grows dark and everything begins to rumble. Boromir falls back into his seat and Gandalf stops speaking.

Elrond (frustrated): Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris.

Gandalf (sarcastically): Well, excuse me!

Boromir: It is a gift... a gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this Ring? Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!

Aragorn: You can’t do that!

Boromir: And what would you know? You are just a sludgy, crappy, slippery, slimy, gooey ranger!

Legolas: This is no mere sludgy, crappy, slippery, slimy, gooey ranger! This is Aragorn II, son of Arathorn II, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn I, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad II, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arahad I, son of Araglas, son of Aragorn I, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son of Arahael, son of Aranarth, elder son of Arvedui, son of Araphant, son of Araval, son of Arveleg II, son of Arvegil, son of Argeleb II, son of Araphor, son of Arveleg I, son of Argeleb I, son of Malvegil, son of Celebrindor, son of Celepharn, son of Mallor, son of Beleg, son of Amlaith, son of Earendur, son of Elendur, son of Valandur, son of Tarondor, son of Tarcil, son of Arantar, son of Eldacar, son of Valandil, son of Isildur, son of Elendil, son of Abitch, son of Homo sapiens, son of Homo sapiens, son of Homo sapiens, son of a whole bunch of other Homos, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of a whole bunch of unknown mammals for millions of years, son of Dimetrodon, son of Dimetrodon, son of Dimetrodon, son of Dimetrodon, son of a special link between fish and reptiles, son of another fish-reptile link, son of a whole bunch of fish, and son of a whole lot of weird links between fish and bacteria.

Boromir: Isildur’s heir?

Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor!

Aragorn (in Elvish): Sit down, Legolas.

Legolas sits back down in his chair.

Gandalf: Aragorn is right. We cannot use it.

Elrond: You have two choices. One: The Ring goes to Gondor and destroys good and covers the land in darkness, or two: the Ring gets destroyed. I am assuming that you all have picked two.

Dwarf in background: I picked one.

Elrond: Well, you hardly matter, do you?

Gimli: Well then what are we waiting for?

Gimli takes out his axe and brings it down on the ring. The Eye of Sauron flashes across the screen. Frodo shouts in pain. Gandalf looks at him. The Ring is not even scratched, but the axe’s pieces are scattered everywhere. Gimli is lying on the ground, shocked.

Elrond: The Ring cannot be destroyed by any weapon that we here possess, Gimli, son of Glóin, son of Goin, son of Croin, son of Sloin, son of Zoin, son of Groin...

Gimli: Hey! Groin was my grandfather, not my great-great-great-um... great... ah whatever.

Elrond: It must be dropped into the fires of Mount Doom. It must be taken deep into Mordor. One of you must do this.

Gimli: Pick me! Oh, pick me! Actually, I don’t really want to. Never mind.

Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just orcs. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!

Gimli: And I suppose you think you’ll be the one to do it!

Boromir: And what if we fail? What then? What then, people?!

Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf! Wait, if I’m dead, then I wouldn’t be able to see...

Everyone gets up out of their chairs and starts arguing. Frodo looks at the Ring. He sees fire appear in it.

Frodo: I will take it! I will take the Ring to Mordor!

Everyone looks at Frodo.

Frodo: Though I do not know the way.

Gandalf: I will help you bear this burden as long as it is yours to bear. And as long as I get 15% commission.

Aragorn: If by my life or death, I can protect you... I will. You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Boromir: You carry the fates of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the Council... then Gondor will see it done.

Sam: Hey!

Sam jumps out from behind a bush.

Sam: Mr. Frodo’s not goin’ anywhere without me.

Elrond: God, you’re inseparable. Are you in love or something?

Merry and Pippin run out from behind two pillars.

Pippin: Wait! We’re coming too!

Merry: You’ll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!

Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of... mission. Quest. Hike-doodle. Trip. Walk. Raiding operation. Vacation. Trek. Voyage. Journey. Thing.

Merry: Guess that rules you out, Pip.

Pippin: Rules me out from what?

Elrond: So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!

Pippin: Right. Where are we going?

Merry: Pippin! I should send you home tied up in a sack!

Cut to scene of Frodo and Bilbo in a Rivendell bedroom.

Bilbo (unwrapping a sword from a cloth): This is for you, Frodo. It’s name is Sting. Here, take it.

Frodo (taking Sting): Wicked! It’s so light.

Bilbo: Yes, yes. Made by the elves. Its blade glows blue when orcs are near. And it’s times like that, my lad, when you have to be extra careful.

Frodo: Gee thanks Bilbo! I like shiny stuff.

Bilbo: Then you’ll really like this.

Bilbo takes out a shiny white shirt.

Bilbo: Mithril. As light as a feather, but as hard as dragon scales. Here, put it on.

Bilbo hands Mithril to Frodo. Frodo begins to unbutton his shirt. Bilbo sees the Ring hanging from Frodo’s neck.

Bilbo: My Ring.

Frodo looks at Bilbo and slowly starts to conceal the Ring in his shirt.

Bilbo: Can I just touch it? I want to hold it again. I want to taste it. I want to shove it down my gullet.

Bilbo leaps forward and for a split second his eyes turn red and blue and his teeth turn sharp.

Bilbo (growling): I WANT IT! GIMME IT NOW!

Frodo recoils in horror.

Bilbo: I’m sorry. Sometimes that happens to me, especially when I’m watching movies with Brad Pitt...

Cut to scene of the fellowship at the edge of Rivendell.

Elrond: You set out for the quest of Mount Doom. The Ring bearer blah blah blah blah blah... whatever. Go now.

Gandalf: Well said.

Merry: Elegantly put.

Boromir: With the eloquence of a master.

(pause)

Gandalf: Frodo, lead the way.

Frodo walks to a doorway leading into the forest. The path splits.

Frodo: Mordor. Which way is it, Gandalf? Left or right?

Gandalf: Right. No wait! It’s left. I think... yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s left.

Frodo: If we walk thousands of miles to the wrong side of Middle-Earth, you can go back and destroy the Ring yourself, Gandalf.

Gandalf: No, I know it’s left!

Frodo: Alright.

Aragorn glances back at Arwen and then follows the fellowship out of Rivendell. Show the fellowship walking through fields and hills and valleys. Show the fellowship stopped at a rocky area on a hill. Sam is cooking sausages on the fire. Boromir, Merry, and Pippin are sword fighting.

Boromir (fighting with Pippin): Two, one, five. Good.

Aragorn: Move your feet.

Boromir: Two, one, five.

Merry: You look good, Pippin.

Pippin: Why thank you.

Gimli and Gandalf are talking.

Gimli: If anyone were to ask for my opinion, which I note they’re not, I’d say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin will give us a royal welcome.

Gandalf: No Gimli, I would not pass through Moria unless I had no other choice.

Gimli: What have you got against Balin?

Gandalf: The last time I saw him, he was dancing on a table in nothing but his birthday suit, holding two mugs of strong beer and singing “Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star.”

Legolas looks in the air a ways away and sees a strange cloud of black in the air. Show Boromir and Pippin fighting again. Boromir cuts Pippin’s hand.

Boromir: Sorry!

Pippin kicks Boromir.

Pippin: Get him! Kill him!

Merry and Pippin jump on Boromir, who falls to the ground. The hobbits start tickling him.

Aragorn: Gentlemen, that’s enough.

Aragorn tries to lift Merry and Pippin off of Boromir. They grab his legs and Aragorn falls on his back.

Sam (looking at the cloud): What is that?

Gimli: Nothing. It’s just a wisp of cloud.

Legolas: A wisp of black cloud?

Gimli: Uh, yeah.

Legolas: Moving that fast?

Gimli: Well, it’s a fast cloud.

Legolas: Against the wind?

Gimli: Um... well... yeah.

Legolas: With wings?

Gimli: Hey, I’m not a rocket scientist, okay?! I can’t explain everything!

Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!

Aragorn: Hide!

Pippin: Crabeye from Bunland?

Aragorn: Hurry! Take cover!

Legolas: No... these are no crows... HOLY CRAP! FLYING MONKEYS!!

The members of the fellowship all hide behind rocks and bushes. The “cloud” comes. It is a flock of flying monkeys. They circle the hill and fly away. The fellowship comes out from their hiding places.

Gandalf: Spies of Saruman. The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras.

Gimli: What we really need right now is a stealth plane.

Show the fellowship walking up a huge, snowy mountain. Frodo trips and falls. He rolls down the snowy slope and Aragorn catches him.

Aragorn: Don’t be a klutz! If you keep acting like this, we’ll never make it to Mount Doom.

Frodo feels around on his chest for the Ring. He looks up the slope and it is lying in the snow. Boromir picks it up.

Boromir: It is strange...

Frodo: What’s strange?

Boromir: This...

Frodo: What’s strange about it?

Boromir: It just is...

Frodo: Why?!

Boromir: It’s so small...

Frodo: Yeah? So?

Boromir: It’s so beautiful...

Frodo: Well you can’t have it.

Boromir: Phooey...

Aragorn: Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo!

Boromir walks up to Frodo and gives him the Ring.

Boromir: Anytime you feel like giving it to me, don’t be afraid to.

Show Aragorn, who is clutching his sword on his belt.

Cut to scene of the flock of flying monkeys flying into an Isengard cavern. Saruman is standing inside.

Saruman: So, Gandalf, you try to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails, where then will you go? Will you risk a more dangerous road?

Show scene of the fellowship trudging through very deep snow on a cliff on the mountain. There is a blizzard. Legolas is the only one on top of the snow. He walks lightly to the front of the group and looks out in the air. He hears a voice echoing in the mountains.

Legolas: There is a foul, stinking, horrid voice in the air!

Gandalf: It’s Saruman!

There is a loud cracking as boulders fall off the top of the mountain and hit the edge of the cliff, narrowly missing the fellowship.

Aragorn: He’s trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!

Gandalf: No! I’m not gonna go back! I didn’t come all this way to have a grimy little ranger tell me to go back!

Gandalf stands up on top of the snow. He starts saying an enchantment. Show Saruman standing on top of Orthanc saying enchantments. Many dark clouds begin to crowd around the top of the mountain. Cut to scene of the fellowship on the mountain. A bolt of lightning hits the mountain. A shower of snow falls through the air.

Gimli: This is really bad!

Aragorn: Everyone! Turn you transceivers on!

The snow lands on top of the fellowship. There is a moment of silence, and then arms begin to break the surface of the snow. Everybody climbs out.

Boromir: We must get off the mountain! We shall make for the Gap of Rohan and then go to my city!

Aragorn: The Gap of Rohan leads us too close to Isengard! Saruman will fry us all and put us in boxes of cereal called “Crispy Crunch: now with extra hobbits!”

Gimli: We cannot pass over a mountain. Let us go under it. Let us go through the Mines of Moria.

Gandalf: No! I won’t endure another round of “Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star” from Balin!

Gimli: I’ll tell him to sing another song!

Gandalf: The guy can’t sing at all!

(pause)

Gandalf: ...But there is not much choice. Frodo! You decide!

Frodo: Eh... um... does Moria have pinball machines?

Gimli: Yes!

Frodo: Pool tables?

Gimli: Oh yes! And the best darn pool players in Middle-Earth!

Frodo: Alright! Let’s go to Moria!

Gandalf: So be it...

Show the walls of Moria and the fellowship walking towards it. Gandalf comes to a bumpy part of the path.

Gandalf: Frodo! Help an old man.

Frodo helps Gandalf over the rocky path.

Gandalf: How is you shoulder?

Frodo: Better than it was.

Gandalf: And the Ring?

Frodo: It would have been better with some balsamic vinegar.

Gandalf: What?

Frodo: I tried licking it. It tasted too plain. It tasted really metallic.

Gandalf: Why did you... oh, never mind.

The fellowship walks up to the gates of Moria. The inscription on the door starts glowing. There is a lake in front of the door. Frodo slips and his foot falls in. He pulls it out.

Merry: What does the door read?

Gandalf: It says: “Speak friend and enter.”

Merry: What’s that mean?

Gandalf: I’m not sure. The door needs a password of some kind.

Gandalf pauses to think.

Gandalf: Frog’s phone exile!

The door doesn’t open.

Merry: Why did you think that was the password?

Gandalf: That was just a guess. “Speak Friend And Enter... S-F-A-E... Spoiled Fungus with Aspartame Eggs!

The door stays shut.

Pippin: Silly Frogs with Allied Eagles!

Nothing happens.

Merry: Saruman has Fun with Awful Evil!

Boromir: Sluggish Foxes are Absolutely Excellent!

Legolas: Sago is Fun for Absolutely Everyone!

The door still doesn’t open.

Frodo: What’s the Elvish word for friend?

Gandalf: Mellon.

The door slowly rumbles open. The fellowship enters.

Gimli (to Legolas): Soon, master elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, gallons of vodka, raw meat off the bone! You just have to hope you won’t get a tapeworm!

Gandalf lights up a cigarette.

Gandalf (puffing the cigarette): Oh yeah...

Boromir: That’s not enough light.

Gandalf (lighting up a cigar): If you say so.

Boromir: That’s still not enough light.

Gandalf (lighting up his staff): Alright...

Gimli: This is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!

Pippin: Why d’you suppose they call it a mine?

Gimli: Because it IS a mine, stupid little hobbit.

Boromir: This is no mine. It’s a mineral excavation site.

Gimli: No it isn’t! Didn’t you just hear me say it was a mine?!

Aragorn: It’s not a mine. It’s a tomb.

Boromir: Well, I wouldn’t say it would be so much of a tomb as rather a network of catacombs.

Scary music begins playing.

Gimli looks at his feet to find the skeleton of a dwarf.

Gimli: Oh... OH... OHHHHH!

Sam: What’s the matter?

Gimli: I stubbed my toe on this stupid skeleton of a... OH MY GOD! THEY’RE ALL DEAD!

Boromir: Well, they’re not as much dead as in a permanently unconscious state.

Legolas (pulling an arrow out of the head of a dwarf skeleton and examining it): Goblins!

The fellowship readies their weapons.

Boromir: We make for the gap of Rohan. We should never have come here.

Frodo looks at his feet and sees something moving.

Boromir: Now get out of here. GET OUT!

Frodo gets pulled to the floor by a tentacle. The tentacle pulls him out the door.

Frodo: AHH! Help!

Boromir: I don’t think it’s as much “Help!” as “Come to my aid, I require immediate assistance!”

Sam: Frodo!

Sam begins slashing at the tentacle with his sword.

Sam: STRIDER!

Aragorn looks at Frodo.

Sam (trying to cut the tentacle): GET OFF HIM OR I’LL CRUSH YOUR SKULL, IMPLODE YOUR FACE, SHRED YOUR GUTS, AND MAKE CALAMARI OUT OF YOUR TENTACLES!!

The tentacle lets go of Frodo and goes back into the water.

(pause)

Sam: There! I sure showed him a thing or two!

About eight tentacles burst out of the water. One of them grabs Frodo and lifts him into the air. Aragorn tries to cut some of the tentacles. The huge face of the Watcher rises out of the water.

Boromir cuts off a tentacle. Frodo comes falling down into Boromir’s arms.

Boromir: OOF! You’re fat!

Frodo knees Boromir in the stomach. Boromir barfs all over Frodo.

Gandalf: INTO THE MINES! FOR GOD’S SAKE!!

The Watcher lifts its head out of the water. Legolas shoots it. The Watcher climbs out of the water as the fellowship runs inside the doorway to the mines. The Watcher’s tentacles rips the ceiling apart and the entrance implodes. Everything is dark and quiet.

Gandalf: Oh, great phooey.

Gandalf lights up his staff.

Gandalf: We now have two choices. We either must face the long dark of Moria, or we can sit around and do nothing ‘til the slugs come home.

Legolas: I think the saying’s “’til the cows come home.”

Gandalf: Oh, bull. What would you know about cows?

(pause)

Gandalf: Be on your guard. There are older, more foul things than orcs in the deep places of the world... dragons, basilisks, lawyers...

Frodo: Hey! Don’t make fun of lawyers. I’m gonna be one when I grow up.

Sam looks at Frodo with a worried look on his face.

Sam: Don’t worry, mister Frodo. I’ll save you from such a horrible fate.

Gandalf: Quietly now. It’s a four-day journey to the other side.

Merry: Four days?! I’ll have grown a beard by then!

Gandalf: Oh, there’s nothing wrong with beards. They’re very handy for setting on fire and frightening enemies. Crushing their fragile souls until only a bucket of nil is left, allowing their terrified bodies to be creamed.

Everyone stares at Gandalf.

Cut to scene of the fellowship walking through Moria. Gandalf runs his hands along a silvery crack pattern on the wall. He shines his staff into a chasm.

Gandalf: The wealth of Moria was not in gold... nor jewels... not even cocaine... but mithril.

The fellowship looks into the chasm.

Pippin: You’re gonna make me jump, aren’t you?

Gandalf: Now why would we do that, my dear hobbit?

Pippin: I dunno. Maybe you think I’m a crap-disturbing malcontent.

The fellowship stares at Pippin.

Pippin: Never mind.

Gandalf: Bilbo had a shirt of mithril rings that Thorin gave him.

Gimli: Oh! That was a kingly gift.

Gandalf: Yes! I never told him... but its worth was greater than the value of the Shire.

Frodo: WHOOPEE! HOT DAMN!!

Everyone looks at Frodo.

Frodo: Eh, uh... wow! Just look at that chasm. Gee! They just don’t make chasms like this anymore.

Show the fellowship climbing up a very steep stairway. Pippin slips and slides back down.

Pippin: OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH son of a OH!

Merry (climbing back down the stairs to get Pippin): Ah, for the love of ...

The fellowship comes to three doorways, each leading in different directions. Gandalf looks around slowly.

Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.

Cut to scene of the fellowship sitting around a fire in Moria.

Pippin: Are we lost?

Merry: No.

Pippin: I think we are.

Merry: Shh. Gandalf’s thinking.

Pippin: Merry?

Merry: What?

Pippin: I’m hungry.

Merry: Well you can eat my shorts for all I care.

Pippin: You’re not wearing shorts.

Merry: Shut up.

Pippin: And besides, why would I want to eat a pair of shorts?

Merry: It’s a saying, doofus.

Pippin: What’s a doofus?

Merry: It’s a person who sits around all day bugging his friend about trivial things.

Pippin: Oh, I love that game.

Merry: What?

Pippin: Trivial Pursuit.

Merry: Will you just bloody well shut your face?!

Pippin: I wonder where that phrase came from. I mean, you don’t shut your whole face, right? You just shut your mouth.

Merry: I will shut your whole face if you don’t zip the lip!

Pippin: Why are you so angry right now?

Merry: Pippin?

Pippin: What?

Merry: Be quiet please.

Pippin: Fine.

Frodo looks down towards a far-away part of the cave. He sees a figure jumping from rock to rock. Frodo walks up to Gandalf.

Frodo: There’s something down there!

Gandalf: It’s Gollum.

Frodo: Gollum?

Gandalf: He’s been following us for three days.

Frodo: He escaped the dungeons of Barad-dûr?

Gandalf: Escaped... or was set loose. Now the Ring has brought him here. He will never be rid of his need for it. He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. Sméagol’s life is a sad story. Yes, Sméagol he was once called, before the Ring found him... before it drove him mad.

Frodo: It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill him when he had the chance.

Gandalf: You violent sicko! Don’t you have any sympathy for poor old Sméagol?

Frodo: Not really.

Frodo sits down on a rock.

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times... but that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us... if that means braving all hardships to destroy the Ring, or summoning an army of mutant dinosaurs to do the dirty work for us.

Frodo: God, that was random.

Gandalf looks up.

Gandalf: Oh! It’s that way.

Merry: He’s remembered.

Gandalf: No, but the air doesn’t smell so foul down here. Always trust your nose, Merry. You nose will guide you wherever you need to go.

Everyone looks at Gandalf with shocked looks on their faces.

Gandalf: What?

Aragorn: You didn’t know?

Gandalf: Know what?!

Merry: I don’t have a sense of smell. I got hit in the head with a ball... when I was nine.

Gandalf: Uh. W... eh... sorry.

The fellowship walks into an extremely large hall.

Gandalf: Let me risk a little more light.

Gandalf brightens his staff.

Gandalf: Behold... the great realm and Dwarf-city of Dwarrowdelf.

Sam: HOLY SH... CROW!

The fellowship walks some more.

Gimli sees a doorway leading into a chamber with a stone coffin the centre.

Gimli (running into the room): Oh!

Gandalf: Gimli!

The fellowship follows Gimli into the chamber. Gimli stops at the coffin and kneels down.

Gimli: No... oh no...

Gimli starts to cry.

Gandalf walks up to the coffin.

Gandalf: “Here lies Balin... son of Fundin... Lord of Moria.”

Frodo pats Gimli on the back.

Gandalf: Well... guess that means no more “Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star.”

Gandalf picks up a large book out of the hands of a dwarf corpse.

Legolas: We must move on. We cannot linger.

Gandalf (reading from the book: “They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates... but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow moves in the dark.”

Pippin backs against a well with a dwarf corpse sitting on it.

Pippin (very nervously): Pffft. Just a stupid corpse...

Gandalf: “We cannot get out. They are coming.”

Pippin (nervously): Okay, corpse. You wanna piece of The Pippin?

Pippin brings his fist back and wallops the corpse’s head. The head falls off and clangs noisily down the well. The rest of the corpse slides down the well and also makes a massive racket. Pippin winces with each bang the corpse makes. The noises stop.

Gandalf (with an extremely irritated look): You crap-disturbing malcontent.

Pippin (moving towards the well): So... you want me to jump?

Merry: Pip! No.

(long pause as Pippin looks guiltily at the floor)

A low, faraway boom echoes through the mines.

Gandalf looks slowly at Pippin. Another boom sounds. Pippin looks at a puddle of water on the ground. With each boom, there is a small ripple that appears in the puddle.

Pippin: Oh my god... it’s the Tyrannosaurus.

Merry (staring at Pippin): You really need to get out more.

The shrieking of orcs echoes through the mine. Frodo pulls out his sword, which is glowing blue.

Legolas: Orcs!

Boromir runs to the entrance of the chamber. Two arrows fly past him and stick into the door.

Aragorn (to the hobbits): Stay back! Keep close to Gandalf, and if everything looks really bad, bend over and kiss your sorry a...

Gandalf: Shut the h#!! up, Aragorn!

Aragorn and Boromir close the door as a tremendous roar echoes through the mine.

Boromir (calmly): They have a dinosaur.

Pippin: See? Seeeeee? And you said I needed to get out more!

Merry: Well hey, you said it was a Tyrannosaurus! It could be a Deltadromeus, or a Spinosaurus, or a...

Aragorn: Stay quiet, hobbits.

Legolas throws Aragorn and Boromir some axes. Aragorn and Boromir use them to block the door.

Gimli (climbing on top of the stone coffin): Let them come! There is one dwarf left in Moria who still can shred orcs into Spaetzle!

Gandalf: No matter where we go or where we are, Gimli, you always seem to have that sick sense of humour.

Gimli: What? No, I can actually shred orcs int...

The orcs bust down the door. Aragorn and Legolas shoot some. The whole fellowship then begins fighting. Aragorn chops off an orc’s head. There is a loud roar. Sam looks at the doorway. A Tyrannosaurus crashes through and roars.

Pippin: See? I told you!

Merry: Whatever!

Legolas shoots an arrow into the Tyrannosaurus’s shoulder. The Tyrannosaurus growls. Sam runs between its legs just as it snaps its head forward, trying to get a snack. The T. rex turns around and corners Sam. It is about to eat Sam when Aragorn and Boromir begin pulling on the T. rex’s chain. The T. rex turns around. Aragorn lets go of the chain, but Boromir does not, and gets flung towards a wall. Boromir smashes against the wall and falls to the ground. An orc comes up to Boromir and is about to impale him. Aragorn throws his sword at the orc, and the sword sticks into the orc’s neck. Aragorn nods to Boromir. Meanwhile, the T. rex snaps at Gimli, who is still standing on the stone coffin. The T. rex bites the coffin, and Gimli jumps off. Gimli kills some orcs. The T. rex chases Gimli, but then turns its attention to Legolas. The T. rex flings its head around, using its chain as a whip. The chain flicks against some pillars, but doesn’t get to Legolas. The T. rex flings the chain again, and the chain wraps around a pillar. Legolas runs along the chain and shoots the T.rex in top of its head.

Pippin: Legolas! You missed the braincase! The brain is f...

The T. rex bucks Legolas off. Legolas lands perfectly on the ground. Meanwhile, Sam is hitting orcs in the face with a frying pan.

Sam: HAVE A TASTE OF MY CONCUSS-O-TRON!!

The other three hobbits are suddenly confronted with the T. rex. The T. rex snaps at them. Merry and Pippin run in one direction, while Frodo runs the other way. Frodo darts behind a pillar. He walks around it, trying not to be seen by the T. rex. When he thinks he is finally safe, Frodo stops. The T. rex suddenly peers around the corner. It roars loudly.

Frodo: YIPE!!!

Frodo runs into a corner. The T. rex bites his legs and drags him out. Frodo slashes the T. rex on the nose.

Frodo: ARAGORN!!

Aragorn: Frodo!

Aragorn runs toward the T. rex, who lets go of Frodo. Aragorn spears the T. rex in the leg. The T. rex hits Aragorn with its head. Aragorn hits a wall and falls down, unconscious. The T. rex turns its head around and takes the spear out of its leg. It then spears Frodo in the stomach.

Frodo: UNGGH!

Merry and Pippin jump onto the T. rex’s back.

Pippin: TIME TO OPEN UP A CAN OF MY FAVOURITE BRAND OF WHOOPASS!!!

Merry and Pippin slash away at the T. rex. Legolas gets a tranquilizer gun off his back and shoots the T. rex in the side. The T. rex grumbles and stops fighting. It wobbles and then falls over. Merry and Pippin fall off the T. rex. The fellowship walks over to Frodo, who is lying on his front on the ground. Aragorn flips Frodo over. Frodo pants.

Sam: HE’S ALIVE!! WHOOPEE!

Aragorn: How the... what the... why the...

Frodo opens his shirt up to reveal his mithril shirt.

Gimli: Mithril!

(pause)

Gimli: You... you... you’re like a big sack of surprises, you know that? You’re like an Antonov 225 that’s chock-full of surprises. You’re so full of surprises, I bet you’re about to explode!

Merry: You’re weird, Gimli.

Gimli: Oh yeah?! Well, I bet... I bet...

Orcs shriek and squeal outside the entrance to the chamber.

Gandalf: To the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!

The fellowship runs through a doorway and into the hall. Orcs climb out of cracks in the ground and in the ceiling. The orcs surround the fellowship. Everyone is quiet as the orcs stare at the fellowship. A great, low rumbling sound echoes through the hall. A red light appears at the end of the hall. All the orcs look around, frightened. They all run away.

Gimli: AND DON’T COME BACK! HA HA!!

The fellowship turns their attention to the red light.

Boromir: What is this new devilry?

Pippin: Please tell me it’s not another Tyrannosaurus!

Merry: Tyrannosauruses don’t glow red, Pip.

Pippin: Oh yeah?! They might! There’s no fossil evidence that they glowed red, but there isn’t any that shows they didn’t glow red, either!

Merry: We just came across one, you ditz. Was it glowing red?

Pippin: Ah, touché.

Gandalf: A Balrog.

Merry: See?

Gandalf: This foe is beyond any of you.

(pause)

Gandalf: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

The fellowship runs. Boromir comes to a stairway that has broken off.

Boromir: AAAAAAH!

Legolas grabs Boromir and prevents him from falling.

Gandalf (to Aragorn): Lead them on, Aragorn. The bridge is near.

(pause)

Gandalf: DO AS I SAY, ARAGORN ELIZABETH MCKNIGHT!

Aragorn: That’s not even close to my real name!

Gandalf: If you want to be burned into a crisp and crushed into oblivion, be my guest! But if not, DO AS I SAY!! Swords are no more use here!

The fellowship runs down a staircase. Legolas jumps over a break in the stairs. Gandalf is about to jump, but pauses. There is a grumble from behind him as parts of the ceiling fall out.

Legolas: Gandalf!

Gandalf jumps. Boromir grabs Merry and Pippin and jumps across. Arrows come out of the dark and bounce off the staircase. Legolas shoots into the darkness with a sniper rifle and plugs an orc. The orc falls off a ledge.

Aragorn: Sam!

Aragorn tosses Sam across the gap. Aragorn is about to toss Gimli across.

Gimli: Nobody tosses a dwarf!

Gimli jumps across and almost falls off. Legolas grabs Gimli’s beard.

Gimli: NOT THE BEARD!

Gimli gets properly onto the stairs. A piece of the stairs falls off on the other side. Aragorn and Frodo clamber up the stairs. A huge piece of rock falls from the ceiling and breaks a higher-up piece of the stairs.

Frodo: Well, it was nice knowing you, Aragorn.

Aragorn: Geez, really?

The piece of staircase that Aragorn and Frodo are on wobbles.

Aragorn: Lean forward!

Frodo: That’s not gonna do anything!

Aragorn: Just do it.

Frodo and Aragorn lean forward. The staircase piece wobbles backwards.

Frodo: See?!

Aragorn: AAAH!

The staircase piece wobbles forwards. It falls beside the downward stairs. Aragorn and Frodo jump off the side and land with the rest of the fellowship. Frodo happens to land in Boromir’s arms.

Boromir: OOF! You’re still fat!

Frodo knees Boromir in the stomach. Boromir vomits all over Frodo.

Frodo: EWW! Not again!

Sam gives Boromir a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Boromir drinks some and vomits all over Sam.

Sam: WHY YOU...

Gandalf: COME ON!!

The fellowship runs down the stairs. They come into a hall. Part of the floor is flaming.

Gandalf: RUN LIKE HECK!! ALL OF YOU!

The Balrog rises out of the flames. It chases the fellowship onto the bridge. Gandalf stays on the bridge and confronts the Balrog.

Gandalf: IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA PASS, THEN YOU’RE SADLY FREAKIN’ MISTAKEN!!

The Balrog rises up and its fire brightens.

Gandalf: I am Agent 008 of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor! The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn!

The Balrog takes out its sword and brings it down on Gandalf. Gandalf holds up his staff and melts the sword. The Balrog roars.

Gandalf: Go back to the Shadow. You shall not freakin’ pass!

The Balrog takes out its whip. Gandalf slams his staff down on the bridge. There is a flash of light. The bridge breaks in half and the Balrog falls into the chasm. Gandalf pants and turns around. The Balrog’s whip flies around and grabs Gandalf by the leg. Gandalf is pulled down. He hangs onto the ledge.

Frodo: GANDALF!

Gandalf: Fly, you totally ridiculous fools!

Gandalf falls into the chasm.

Frodo: GAAAANDAAAALF!

Everyone stares into the chasm.

Frodo: NOOOOOOO!!

Orc arrows fly past the fellowship. They run out of the mines and outside onto a rocky area. Sad music plays. Everyone sits around, crying (except for Pippin, who is blissfully eating a sausage). Aragorn cleans his sword off and puts it in his belt.

Aragorn: Legolas, get them up.

Boromir: Give them a moment, for pity’s sake!

Aragorn: By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with orcs. We cannot afford any lacerations, eviscerations, annihilations, obliterations, or any other kinds of ations.

Legolas: What about decorations?

Aragorn: Tss! You wish! We must reach the woods of Lothlórien.

Cut to scene of the fellowship walking through a forest.

Gimli: Stay close, hobbits. They say a great sorceress lives in these woods.

Pippin: Any dinosaurs?

Merry: Will you shut up about dinosaurs?!

Pippin: No harm in begin cautious.

Gimli: An Elf-witch... of terrible power.

Pippin: A dinosaur Elf-witch?!

Gimli: All who look upon her... fall under her spell.

Voice of Galadriel (to Frodo): Frodo...

Gimli: And are never seen again!

Pippin: Well thanks a lot, Gimli! I just wet myself.

Voice of Galadriel (to Frodo): Your coming to us is as the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, Ring-bearer.

Gimli: Well, here’s one dwarf she won’t ensnare so easily. I have the ears of a... thing that can hear really well, and the eyes of a thing that can see really well.

A bunch of Elven arrows point at the fellowship. Haldir walks up to Gimli.

Haldir: The dwarf breathes so loud, we could have pwned him in the dark.

Gimli: Grrr...

Cut to scene of the fellowship in Lothlórien.

Haldir (in Elvish): Welcome Legolas, son of Thranduil.

Legolas (in Elvish): Our fellowship stands in your debt.

Haldir (in Elvish): I’m not in debt.

Legolas (in Elvish): No, I mean that you saved us.

Haldir (in Elvish): From what?

Legolas (in Elvish): I dunno.

Haldir turns to the rest of the fellowship.

Haldir (in Elvish): Aragorn of the Dunedain... you are known to us.

Gimli: So much for the legendary courtesy of the Elves! Speak words we can all understand.

Haldir: We have not had dealings with the dwarves since the Dark Days.

Gimli: And which dark days do you mean when you say “the Dark Days?!” The Great Depression? The Medieval Times? The Great Extinction? The Galactic Empire? The Separation of Pangaea?!

Haldir: Surely even a dwarf should not be stupid enough to know that the Galactic Empire is a fictional time in Star Wars.

Gimli: And you know what this dwarf says to that?! I would rub crap in your face and spit in your hideous scraggly hair if only I had a stool to stand on.

Aragorn turns to Gimli.

Aragorn: That was not so courteous.

Gimli: And you think I meant it to be courteous?!

Haldir walks to look at Frodo.

Haldir: You bring great evil with you.

Frodo: FOR GOD’S SAKE! GIMME A BREAK, WILL YOU PLEASE?! YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE “GREAT EVIL” THAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH!!

Frodo leans on Legolas and starts to cry.

Haldir (embarrassed): I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean anything offensive!

Legolas picks up Frodo and hugs him.

Legolas (to Haldir, in Elvish): He’s been a wee bit sensitive lately. Don’t feel bad.

(pause)

Legolas: Don’t worry, Frodo. We’ll defeat that meanie beanie Sauron.

Cut to scene of Aragorn and Haldir talking in Elvish.

(long pause)

Boromir (to Frodo): Gandalf’s death was not in vain, nor would he have you give up hope. You carry a heavy burden, Frodo. Don’t carry the weight of the dead.

Haldir walks up to Frodo.

Haldir: You will follow me.

Frodo: Oh yeah?! Who says?

Haldir: Me.

Frodo: Oh yeah?! Well excuse me for breathing when you didn’t say that I could!

Haldir (sighing): Could you please come with me, Frodo?

Frodo: Fine.

Cut to scene of the fellowship walking through a forest. They come to a hilltop and look at a huge tree-covered hill.

Haldir: Caras Galadhon. The heart of Elvendom on Earth.

Pippin: Do they have bathrooms?

Haldir: My good hobbit, even the elves must go pee every once in a while.

Pippin: Woooowww.

The fellowship walks through a maze of stairways until they reach a platform. Celeborn and Galadriel slowly walk down a staircase to look at the fellowship. There is a bright light behind them.

Merry (gazing and drooling): Woah. So, even they pee too?

Haldir: Shut up right now.

Celeborn: The enemy knows you have entered here. What hope you had in secrecy is now gone. Eight there are here – yet nine there were set out from Rivendell.

Sam: Dang straight, Escher.

Celeborn: Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him. I can no longer see him from afar.

Galadriel: Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land. He has fallen into shadow.

Celeborn: So, like – he fell down a well or something?

Legolas: He was taken by both Shadow and Flame.

Celeborn: What?!! So somebody knocked Gandalf down there and set the whole thing on fire.

Legolas: A Balrog of Morgoth.

Celeborn: Ohhhhhh... those things. Yeah. WHAT?! GANDALF’S DEAD?!!

Legolas: He went needlessly into the net of Moria.

Galadriel: Needless were none of the deeds of Gandalf in life. ‘Cept when he got drunk and slept with a cat.

Merry: And when he kicked me in the pants!

Galadriel: No, that was needed. You deserved it, Merry.

Galadriel looks at Gimli.

Galadriel: Do not let the great emptiness of Khazad-dûm fill your heart, Gimli, son of Glóin. For the world has grown full of peril, and in all lands, love is now mingled with grief...

Galadriel looks at Boromir.

Celeborn: What now becomes of this fellowship? Without Gandalf, hope is lost.

Frodo quietly takes a knife out of his pocket and is about to cut his wrist when Aragorn quickly takes the knife away from him.

Galadriel: The quest stands upon the edge of a knife.

Aragorn: No, it’s okay, I took the knife away from him.

Galadriel: Don’t interrupt me.

(pause)

Galadriel: Stray but a little and it will fail to the ruin of all.

Galadriel looks at Sam.

Galadriel: Yet hope remains while the Company is true.

(pause)

Galadriel: Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. And those greasy donuts you’ve been eating along the way.

Pippin (whispering to Merry): How does she know about the donuts?!

Galadriel’s voice to Frodo: Welcome, Frodo of the Shire. One who has seen GLOBAL WARMING AND OTHER SCARY BUT YET VERY REAL HORRORS!!

Cut to scene of Legolas walking through Caras Galadhon. Elves are singing in the background.

Legolas: A lament for Gandalf.

Merry: What do they say about him?

Legolas: I have not the heart to tell you. But I will tell you that they say “doobie doobie doo” way too much. And the “F” word.

Sam: I bet they don’t talk much about his fireworks. There should be a verse about them. “Big explosions, blue and green / They make me say “awesome dude!” / And I lost my – spleen – uh...

Merry: No offence, but you poetry sucks like crap!

Sam: Um - none taken.

Aragorn walks up to Boromir.

Aragorn: Take some rest. These borders are well-protected.

Boromir: I will find no rest here.

(pause)

Boromir: I heard her voice inside my head.

Aragorn: Ohhh – do you have autism?

Boromir: No! Shut up. She spoke of my father and the fall of Gondor. She said to me, “Even now, there is hope left.” But I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope.

Aragorn: Are you emo?

Boromir (getting up and walking away): Is it possible for anyone to have a decent conversation with you?

Cut to scene of Galadriel walking in bare feet across grass. She steps on a pile of Lego.

Galadriel: Ack! Son of a...

Frodo wakes up and sees Galadriel. He follows her. They come to an area with a waterfall and a birdbath. A chickadee is drinking out of the bath. Galadriel whacks it off and the chickadee flies away, annoyed. Galadriel picks up a metal vase and scoops some water from the waterfall.

Galadriel: Will you look into the mirror?

Frodo: What will I see?

Galadriel (pouring water into the birdbath): Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Things that were... things that are... and some things that have not yet come to pass.

Frodo steps up to the birdbath. He starts drinking from it.

Galadriel: No, you just look into it, you idiot.

Frodo looks into the bath. He sees images of the fellowship and the Shire.

Frodo: Wow, how’d you put this together, Windows Movie Maker?

Galadriel: Just keep watching...

The pool starts showing scenes of the Shire burning and orcs enslaving people. Frodo begins looking nauseous. The eye of Sauron appears.

Frodo: OH GAWD!

Frodo pukes in the bath and falls backwards.

Galadriel: I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind. It is what will come to pass if you don’t stop being a screw-up. The fellowship is breaking; it has already begun. He will try to take the Ring. You know of whom I speak.

Frodo: Uh... jog my memory.

Galadriel: BOROMIR.

Frodo: Oh. Anyway, if you ask it of me, I will give you the One Ring.

Galadriel: You offer it to me freely. I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a dark lord, you would have a queen!

Galadriel suddenly takes the form of a cartoony Mickey Mouse-Optimus Prime-Naruto thing.

Galadriel: Not dark but beautiful, and terrible as the dawn!! Treacherous as the sea in that movie about those guys on that sword fishing boat!! Stronger than the foundations of the earth!!! All shall love me and despair!

Galadriel changes back to normal.

Galadriel: I passed the test.

Frodo: Oh cool! What mark did ya get?

Galadriel: I will diminish and go into the West where the sun is always shinin’ and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so FLUFFY!

Frodo: Look – I can’t do this alone.

Galadriel: You are a Ring-bearer, Frodo. To bear a Ring of Power is to be alone.

Galadriel lifts up her hand, which has a white ring on it.

Frodo: Nice bling.

Galadriel: This is Nenya, the Ring of Adamant. And I am its keeper. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, we are all going to die an excruciatingly painful dead, and our bleeding carcasses will be crushed into the ground along with our hopes and souls! But no pressure.

Frodo: I know what I must do – but I’m afraid to do it.

Galadriel: Even the most hairy-footed person can change the course of the future.

Frodo closes his hand around the Ring.

Galadriel: Oh, and uh – be careful with those Rings of Power, Frodo. They’re almost as addictive as TimTams.

Cut to scene of the outside of Isengard.

Saruman: Do you know how the orcs first came into being?

Lurtz: No.

Saruman: They were elves once...

Lurtz: Yeah?

Saruman: Taken by the Dark Powers...

Lurtz: Oh.

Saruman: Tortured and mutilated!

Lurtz: Ah!

Saruman: A ruined and terrible form of life.

Lurtz: Ooh!

Saruman: And now...

Lurtz: Yeah?

Saruman: Perfected.

Lurtz: Yeah!

Saruman: My fighting Uruk-hai.

Lurtz: Mmm.

Saruman: Whom do you serve?

Lurtz: You!

Saruman: You can say more than just one-syllable words, can you not?

Lurtz: No.

Saruman: Crap. Umm... okay, say my name in parts.

Lurtz: Sar.

Saruman: Yeh?

Lurtz: Ooo.

Saruman: Go on...

Lurtz: Man!

Saruman: YEAH!